As is normal, my ex, at every opportunity, the day before or the day of my visitation, takes whatever opportunity she can to twist the knife.
I had posted in another thread that I had sons, I was worried my wife would find the post and use it against me. i actually have 3 young daughters, and i spent the past 10 years building a thriving business, a new home, and was getting ready to step back and look after our daughters full time.
In the past 6 months my ex has stolen the business, and is now running it with the guy she was having an affair with.
She has ruined me financially, and is about to take our home, while she is earning a fortune, and I am surviving on £40 per week benefits.
None of that really matters, but it makes the court process somewhat one-sided. I have little to offer.
The problem is that I spent the past 5 years working towards the dream of being a full time dad. Its all I ever really wanted since our first daughter was born.
Now I spend every moment of every day trying not to think about them, and when I do, as now, I find myself in tears.
While my ex always wanted children because she felt it would fix some of her childhood issues, I did not want them because I was worried that Issues I faced would make it hard to be a father.
When they came she preferred to be at work, and I wanted nothing more than to spend time with them. It seems as if my life was all leading to this point of fatherhood.
After 10 years of constant hard work and struggle we were so close to never having to work again, we were so close to the good life. Now I see my daughters for a few hours per week, and my ex makes that as difficult as possible.
I scan every forum, every post in the hope that I will find something to give me hope, but it seems I am destined to be at best a distant memory, a part time daddy who will eventually, who already has been replaced in their hearts and minds.
I really am not sure how long I can continue to take this. We live in a small town, and had a prominent business. My wife had me arrested on false DV allegations, but not before the whole town seen me going off in the back of a police car.
My life has been ruined and the only thing good, the only thing pure, my daughters are being poisoned, are being mentally and emotionally abused. My ex forced my oldest not to tell me that she has been having night terrors for 5 months. I see her changing, I see her turmoil and social services, the courts nor my ex, who cares little about anyones feelings, and simply wants to win, disregards the damage they are causing.
My ex came from a highly damaged childhood and has been suggested that she may have sever psychological issues. She takes joy in others pain, has never apologised or felt remorse in the years I have known her and lies about everything. She is also much stronger emotionally and mentally than I am, she blocks out anything that makes her uncomfortable, where as I feel everything.
I really am not sure how long I can keep fighting, but if I stop fighting I do not feel I could go on without my girls.
I cannot see a future without them, I miss them every moment of every day.
How do you guys do this?
man i feel 4 u, what you are now living , i sure will face one day,, i just hope to god that it dose not happen, its about the kids, always will be,
Hi There,
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You have really been through it and What I would say is at the moment you need to try and look after yourself, so that you are able to then work towards having a relationship with your girls.
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Have you been to see your GP to ask for help, while you are feeling so down.
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We are all here for you, and you ask how we do it.....it's the support of fellow forum members that helps and we all have an understanding from others and being able to talk openly with like minded people.
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GTTS
Thank you for the support everyone. This just gets harder every day. Well I had my 2 hours visitation. Ex held ground so we met in the carpark, it was stormy and raining so I brought the 3 little ones to a cafe for breakfast, and then walked home. By the time we got there there was only 45 minutes of visitation left. My middle girl, who acts the strongest but who I think misses me more than any...she is just turning 3 and more aware now, sat with me as I read her stories the entire time. The other two running around playing as normal. It seems that if I am lucky, I get the chance to connect on a personal basis with one of them, but before you know it its time to get them wrapped up and get ready to leave. Without fail one of them will cry or throw a tantrum at being forced to leave and every time the shortness of the visit, the little time spent in their company, brings tremendous heartache, knowing that it will be another heart wrenching 3 or four days, until this happens again.
I really cannot grasp why the system feels its ok to do this. Its like giving a slice of mouldy bread to a man who is starving. The thought of it makes him so excited, but it does nothing to fill that void inside. If anything it make him worse, because he is reminded that what sustains him is so real, yet he can never, no trying, no begging, no amount of reason, ever, hope to feel sustained.
In many ways, I feel like a black protester in middle America, during the 50's. Eventually I know they will let me sit on the front of the bus, and by doing so, it will have appeased their need to look fair and progressive, but in reality, no matter where I sit on the bus, I will never, ever be treated equally.
I know whats coming, I can feel it. No matter what she does, no matter how little respect she shows me, how little effort she put into placing the needs of our children, she will win. A woman who never wanted to take on the parenting role will fight just to prove to the observers that she was "right all along" , and I will be remanded in a cell of weekend parenthood until new people, new pastures, new waves of life replace me.
But at least I get to sit on the front of the bus !
What you've just described is almost exactly the same as my situation. An ex that lies and thrives on the power she has over our children and myself (particularly the latter). She is voraciously clever and knows the system (her sister has been through the same situation and she works with social services).
What keeps me going - the thought that one day things will be better. Or the thought that should something ever happen to my ex, they will need me - the thought that the two people I love most in the world would have to be without a mother and a father is more than I can bear. Certainly any amount of pain I go through now must be worth, even if it is a remote possibility, saving them from that kind of pain in the future.
I cannot walk away. I will not. I will fight for them no matter the cost or how long it takes. Even if they decided they never wanted to see me again I would still wait every day for that call. That's my job - I'm dad. I'll always be there for them.
Just know that you're doing the right thing. Get through the pain one day at a time. You're still here, you're still trying, still making that effort even though it hurts so very badly. You will get through it and hopefully sometime in the future you'll look back and it will all seem like a bad dream.
Good luck.
I can't believe how the UK government can be so insensitive/ignorant about the plight of so many fathers wrongly accused of DV with such grave and disproportionate consequences. I understand the concerns about the minority of people in danger of real abuse, but come now this is scandalous. They are throwing the baby with bath water.Sorry, but I am so furious. the lives of so many children and their fathers destroyed over this makes me really sad.
I am no expert by any means but for what it is worth here are my thoughts.
What is done is done. If I were you I'd look to gradually increase contact time, hopefully changing the status quo. I think you will need a job and a suitable place for the children.
I think from what I have read you are entitled to a decent financial settlement. Certainly a chunk of your business. The courts would look at the needs of both of you and split things accordingly I think based on what is best for the children. I would argue it is best for the children to be able to live with both of you. Obviously if you have your children living with you hopefully soon, your needs will be greater and entitled to better settlement because this could be best for the children.
Can you contest those DV allegations.
In many ways, I feel like a black protester in middle America, during the 50's.
I can totally relate to this, as a separated father you feel the recurring discrimination, however, one thing I learned is that you are in control of how you react to it.
Just because everyone says something doesn’t mean you have to believe it. Trail your own path. Since you made the appropriate analogy with the civil rights movement, take Booker T Washington as an example, born a slave, could have easily fallen into the trap of self pity and how unfair life was to him, and he would have been right, but he chose to write his own story, and instead became an educational leader and presidential advisor.
Just because everyone tells you you’re are going to become an ever less relevant part of your children’s life doesn’t mean you have to believe them. Flipp em, then write your own story.