Hi,
I'm feeling a bit trapped and im curious to see if this forum would be of any help before i see a professional.
I'm going to start off by saying im a young bloke in the low 20s. Very career orientated and driven by the logic of work hard, play hard. In 2 years ive climbed my way to double the national average salary to fuel my hobbies and passions. These arent go out drinking every weekend with the lads. These are sports ive been passionate about for years. They arent cheap to fund and ive worked 16 hour day and night shifts for nearly 2 years to get to where i am. All of this has now gone to sh*t.
Im a father of a 5 week old baby and am in a huge downward spiral of negativity towards fatherhood. The first week was great. The novelty was there and i was happy to do the day to day of caring for a newborn. Then that novelty has worn off and the reality kicked in. Everything i have to do is a chore. I know that most parents will say they dont exactly look towards nappie changes or bath time. Thats fine but im sure 90% of you feel love when your baby looks at you with their big colourless eyes and cracks a little grin. I feel nothing. Absolute emptiness. If anything i feel annoyed because there are other things id prefer to do with my time than to feed or soothe my baby.
This might get better. My sister has a 2 year old girl. I love playing with her. Shes great fun. But when i try to imagine playing with my child once he is older I cant feel that same joy.
The girl ive had the child with is the love of my life and i fear that the only way for me to solve this problem is to also lose her. So... im a bit stuck for advice. As i said before i dont feel the urge to make it work. I dont feel sadness that i dont love him. I literally just feel emptiness and annoyance.
I know how this reflects on me. Im fully aware that if this doesnt change im a failure of a dad. But at the end of the day its ok for me to admit im bad at something i dont enjoy. Im [censored] at football too because i dont play it as i find no enjoyment in it.
Not many people i can talk to about this in person. Not loving your child is frowned upon by the general public so the onlything i can do is ask for your advice or visit a professional.
Have any of you ever had this happen? How did you tackle the issue? Do you regret doing/not doing anything about it?
Hi.
What you seem to be going through is something I'm sure others have gone through before. I don't know to much about this subject but I have heard of other father's who have felt like this and especially as you are so young. From what they have said is that the love grows overtime and especially once they get a little personality you could find that your love will grow and you will never look back.
I'm sure someone else on hear could help you further or point you in the right direction for advice.
Good luck.
Hello Dary17735,
You are giving yourself a very hard time over this and creating more stress and anxiety for yourself. Many fathers do not have an instant bond with newly born babies and also question what they are doing wrong as some cannot soothe the baby and stop them from crying as easily as the mother is able to. Regarding the latter, mothers have an advantage as they have carried the baby for nine months.
There is no yardstick to measure your feelings when a baby is born. Each parent differs from another when it comes to bonding and having feelings of connection with the child. It may take weeks or months but eventually it happens. I personally think you should not reproach yourself for feeling as you do. Let time pass, let nature take it's course and do not make your situation more difficult by reproaching yourself for what you feel. Initially there is a lot of excitement for a week or two when a baby is born and then that recedes and a normal daily routine is then established. Where there was two in a family there are now three and that takes time to readjust to.
I am a mother and a grandmother and have never bonded with any of the babies in my family. However, months later when they grow and begin to develop and recognize things, it is then my bond begins. I do not feel that it has been to the detriment of the children or me as we have a very secure, loving relationship and lots of fun.
Be kind to yourself and patient, let time pass and gradually it will all fall into place.
Hi There,
.
I think as above, things can sometimes take some time to settle after a baby is born, the love for you son will grow I'm sure and you will enjoy spending time with him.
.
At the moment he is still very young and the time you spend with him, isn't very active, when the personality starts to come through I'm sure that your bond will start to happen.
.
I would ensure that you are talking through the way that you are feeling with your partner, and make sure she knows how you are feeling.
.
Losing the life that you had, has had a big impact on you and that will take some time to adjust too, but it will happen.
.
GTTS
I felt something similar before my baby was born and I realised that life was about to change drastically. Now that the baby is a toddler, I don't miss the things I gave up at all.
And you never know, in a few years time you might have a little buddy to go along with you on sport trips.
Talking to your partner about this seems like a healthy thing to do, but I'm sure it goes without saying that it is a topic that can test a relationship, you'd want to approach it very softly.