Hi,
I was just wondering how you other non-custodial dads handle something like clothing.
Basically, I have clothes for my daughter to wear when she stays with me. She is often handed over to her mum wearing them. The general consensus between us is that I'm more than happy for my daughter to wear the clothes when she's with her mum during the week, but I collect them on the next contact to ensure that there are always plenty of clothes for my daughter to wear when she's here.
However, as time has gone on, my ex has got more and more relaxed (to put it politely) about returning any clothes that I have clothed my daughter in, leaving me more and more short of things for her to wear. I don't have a lot of money, plus buying new clothes every weekend just isn't an option for anyone. Just lately, my ex has amassed about 20 items of clothing from me and is purposely not handing them back in a hurry, saying things like 'You MIGHT get the clothes back next weekend', 'I'll dig them out if I have time', etc. Some of these items she has had for over a month. I don't think it takes that long to dig some clothes out. Unless they're in the bin, they're going to be in her house, and there's only so many places she would have put them.
This is basically just getting really frustrating. And to top it off she knows she's frustrating me by doing this, which is egging her on. Although I try not to show it obviously. It's more annoying that a couple of these items of clothing are things that my daughter picked out herself and she's barely worn, which seems unfair on her, as it doesn't sound like they are getting worn at all, so I might as well have them back.
I'm aware that my ex's mum has some of the clothes too, as I often hand my daughter over to her, and she then stays with her granny overnight. I've now asked her in person if she could get the clothes when I've been over there. She basically tells me she'll look and then the next time I'm there she'll say she didn't even bother looking.
Sorry for the rant, but has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? What have you done to resolve the issue? It's not like I can get my solicitor on the case with this one.
Cheers in advance.
Hello richcthomas,
Simple, take off the clothes she comes to you in when she arrives at yours, wash them and send her back in them. The clothes you buy will then always be at yours for her to wear during the time she is with you.
As for getting the clothes back her mother has kept, you can only ask politely if she will return them and if there is no response I personally would not make an issue of it but in future, keep at your home, all items you purchase whatever those may be.
I agree with the above, unless of course you are collecting your daughter from school and it might seem strange to make her change in to her uniform to go back to her mum's house.
I appreciate how frustrating that must me for you. Have you thought about just getting cheap stuff from Primark or similar and just sending her back in those?
If you pay maintenance privately, perhaps you could say that if she doesn't return the items listed below that cost XXXX you will deduct from her next maintenance payment?
Not really sure on this. I know it's been a bone of contention for lots of our members though.
Shame you're not picking up from and returning to school as that usually sorts it out 🙂
to be honest, even if you are picking her up from school, it's no big deal to send her back in her school clothes, she can change as soon as she gets home, and if she objects, you can ask her to bring clothes with her to go back home in.
Hi There,
.
I agree with the above, send her home in her own clothes and then you will always keep your clothes at your home, and if you can't get the other clothes back no matter how annoying it may be just leave it, you have to pick your battles and some are easier to just drop.
.
GTTS
same here..... big bone of contention around cloths, toys, belongings..... anything and everything really to cause frustration.
The only way is as per above really....... though i hate doing it and my kids don't particularly like it either, oldest understands thankfully.
.mind field of answers with this one,///////..............did the washing machine eat it? ..but with my scenario ...how many one pound toys can you buy from pound land every time you have the children.......
it is a nit pick thing,,,,,,, unless you have a very good solicitor that can claim costing?
but you are right............... you have paid for your children????????
it is a fly on the back of a horse..... if you have enough flies some one might notice
hope that helps
Thanks for all your replies.
I think I'm going to start getting her changed into fresh clothes when she gets here and sending her back in the clothes that belong at her mum's, when it's feasible anyway. She's only 4 so not at school yet, but will be soon.
Good advice on picking your battles, will definitely take that on board, because so time and energy consuming chasing my ex for clothes all the time. Her house swallows up everything that goes in it. That's why I make sure my daughter's toys stay here. She knows they are her toys, but understands that they live at daddy's so that she always has stuff to play with here.
Mate I've been struggling with this for over 3 years lol I don't think I have ever got back anything I have sent my girl home in so I basically did as the above, Now instead of buying new cloths all the time I buy bundles off gumtree or ebay and keep a stock at my house and anything which is no good give to charity shops or the clothes banks ect and this works really well.
As has been said I really do pick my battles and clothing in the general scheme of things is not allot to get stressed over 🙂
Yeah, that's what I tend to do, and I'm caring less about the missing clothes since posting here. My ex gives me [censored] telling me that I'm treating the clothes as if they aren't my daughters, but mine, etc, which isn't true. She's giving me [censored] about toys lately too, putting pressure on our daughter to ask me to bring toys from mine back to hers, and she's started putting me on the spot about it on the doorstep with our daughter present, and then makes out to her that Daddy is unfair and Mummy cares about her even if Daddy doesn't, blah blah blah. My daughter understands that the toys here belong to her, but live here to make sure that she has things to play with when she comes to stay, I think anyway, but I can see my ex is starting to get in her head about it all. She's very controlling and manipulative, and she managed to completely brainwash me, a then 27 year old grown man, so it's scary to think what she's capable of with a 4 year old.
My ex was like that at first she really was the cow bag from [censored] and saying I spoilt our girl because I bought her things, thats really not on saying them things in front of your child. Thankfully my ex has mellowed with time and hopefully yours will too.
It's a nightmare but just try and be nice as pie to her when you see her and try not to enter into any arguments I always thought its for my daughters benefit so I bite my lip. Even though all is ok with my ex it is still hard work keeping things on an even keel for sure but 10x better than it used to be.
Try keeping the toys on the down low and don't tell your ex what you have bought her and maybe send her own with something small one a month say just to keep the ex happy and make it look like you're listening to what she's saying so it doesnt give her an excuse to create drama.
My daughters the same age as yours and she's getting into her board games, snakes and ladders is a winner and junior monopoly I've got her loads of arts and crafts stuff and often send her home with pictures for mum which keeps mum sweet too.
I'm not sure where you live and it might not be doable but I took my girl to Peppa pig world and she went nuts I really enjoyed it too defo worth a visit if you can
all the best
slim 🙂
Hey, yeah I definitely do my best to bite my lip - my ex can't stand it when I do as she wants a reaction. It does get difficult sometimes when she puts me on the spot on the doorstep like that with both her and my daughter looking to me for answer in their (my ex's) favour.
Like you, I send her home with plenty of pictures, and the odd small toy or magazine. Board games are popular here too. I never tell my ex about anything I have bought for my daughter, but if she is really excited about a particular toy she'll go home and tell her mum about it, and then from what I can gather it's 'Would you like to bring those back with you next time? You'd like that wouldn't you. Ask your dad if you can bring them back here. I hope he let's you darling.' (she's always adding the darling to the end of her sentences whoever she's talking to for extra emotional weight and emphasis, to get whoever she's talking to onside, along with various other emotional tactics, like the way she will soften her voice to make someone feel sorry for her, or themselves) and of course a 4 year old is going to respond 'Okay Mummy'. When I was in a relationship with her I was petrified to ever say 'no' to her for the inevitable backlash, so god knows how a child is going to brave enough to stand up to her should they ever feel they want or need to.
Let's hope it gets easier with time, though I am worried about my ex getting more and more into my daughter's head with her 'Daddy's useless and mean and Mummy's best' rhetoric. I always speak about her mum with her with respect and I even cover my ex's [censored] if my daughter is upset with something she's done, like forgot to pack her favourite teddy or something, by saying she probably forgot and didn't meant to, when the reality is usually that she's a disorganised mess when it comes to parenting. Maybe I shouldn't make excuses for her, I don't know, but I always try to make sure my daughter feels that her mummy and daddy are on good terms and are equally important.
Where's Peppa Pig World? I'm in Plymouth, so I'm guess it's quite far from me.