Hello, I am the father of a beautiful one-year-old baby. Her mother and I met in high school, we were friends for a couple years and we started dating in my senior year. We had Emily when we were nineteen-years-old and it has been an experience in all kinds of ways. Before Emily and Angela, I was a very quiet person. During my school years I would go so long without speaking that it would feel like I had forgotten how. That was perfectly fine for me. I have always been this way and am quite satisfied with it, but there is a problem with that. I have never had patience with people. I have always had an issue with my anger to the point of flying off the handle and blacking out on a number of occasions. Now I will say this beforehand, I have NEVER blacked out and hurt my daughter, but I've had this struggle. My father was an abusive guy so I figured I just inherited his temperament, which isn't an excuse. Anyways, I had thought I was getting better with my control but something happened today to make me question myself.
I have always loved computers. I am currently in college pursuing a degree in computer science and I have made sure that I bought Angela and I VERY good, fairly EXPENSIVE, computers for us to enjoy as a celebration. Emily was playing with a bottle of propel, which I told Angela on a couple of occasions to not just give her unattended, and she got the cap off and spilled it all over Angela's laptop. I've gotten angry with Emma before on several occasions and I've gripped too tight on accident or something but this time I lost my cool. I roughly grabbed Emily and jerked her up into my arms roughly. Her poor little head did a little whip as I did so. I didn't hurt her, after some tears she was fine, but the incident scared me. Angela was, of course, furious at me and has refused to talk to me for awhile.
I guess what I am here to do is ask advice from people more experienced than I on methods they use to control their anger. I know I won't be a good father, I just don't have it in me for fatherhood. I would like to ensure, however, that Emily doesn't fall victim to my temper more than necessary. I just don't want to become my father, even if I have such tendencies.
Any help would be appreciated.
Hi Aaron
Thanks for being so honest about what you have been through.
My advice is to go and get counselling for anger management - it really does work, and as well as learning to recognise what triggers an outburst, and how to manage that, you will also have an added benefit that your wife/partner will respect the fact that you recognise you have a problem and are doing something to resolve it.
Thank you for the suggestion actd, I have been along a similar thought pattern its just I am already busy with college that it seems like anger management would be difficult to work in, but I suppose sacrifices must be made in order to "get better". I think I will start looking into attending these classes as soon as I can. Like I said I doubt I'll ever be a "good" father but I can atleast avoid being an abusive or terrible parent.
Also about triggers it is mostly silly things that get me irritated. I just hate that there is no communication. I could tell her "no that is bad" until I'm blue in the face but there wouldn't be much in the way of progress, and that just frustrates the [censored] out of me.
That's the thing about counselling - you say it's the little things that can trigger it, but what it will help you to realise, and manage, is that there are events leading up to the trigger that you almost certainly don't realise, and the "little thing " is just the final straw setting you off - if you can learn to recognise the problem further back, you may never get to the trigger.
As for not being a good dad - you'd be surprised. A lot of men probably think the same, but you'll come to realise that you are a good dad without even knowing it - just being there is a start, and let's face it, the fact that you've opened up on here to complete strangers just shows that you do want to be a good dad 🙂
Well done Aaron, I think you do yourself an injustice and as actd says, the fact that you have come here and been open about this speaks for itself...don't be so hard on yourself.
It might be worth investigating if the college can offer you some access to counselling...I know this service exists in Uni. They could then fit it around you classes.
As your daughter is just 1 year old then you shouldn't expect anything but the most basic communication with her at the moment, she's too young to grasp the concept of right and wrong in the way you would like...but it will come and she will make progress as she learns more.
I know she will, developmentally she is doing wonderful ,but even though I realize she doesn't grasp right or wrong or understand what I am saying I just can't help but feel irritation about it. It isn't her fault but I just can't shake it.
I will ask my college about it, I never thought about going to the college for assistance thank you for the suggestion. If I can make it to where I can control my anger even a little better I'll jump through hoops to do so. In the meantime I think I am going to get her a small toy or something as way of an apology. I really thank you two for being supportive. I didn't think i would get such a warm welcome as I did.
Parenting is one of the toughest jobs going! We get no training for it and are expected to be perfect parents from the off. Some think it comes naturally but I think that happens very rarely and most of us mere mortals struggle with getting right!
When I think of my own parents its their imperfections that endeared me to them even more...the memory that endures is the love they gave to my brothers and I...I very rarely recall the times they got it wrong, what's important is knowing how much they loved me.
Good luck,
Here's a link to self help C.B.T. Posted in the Building Self Esteem section by another member, it was recommended by his GP. I thought it might help
www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome