I'm in a bit of a tricky situation and I've reached the point where I'm not sure what the right thing to do is anymore. I was hoping someone could give me some advice on the best thing to do in this situation.
My son's mother and I have been separated since before my son was born. When my son turned 3 his mother moved quite far away. (6 hour drive there and back) We went to court, the judge decided that my son would visit only half of all school holidays. (about 5 weeks)
My son is now 8. There have been times when he didn't want to come, It's been really hard, but I've always stuck at it and remained consistent. When he visits I always do my best to make sure he enjoys himself, we go out daily to play parks, holidays etc. However, the last three times he has come, he has been more and more vocal about not wanting to come. From his perspective, he has no friends that he can play with as I do not have any friends with children his age. As a result I have been taking him to holidays or activities where there are other children he can play with. Last time I told him that if he wanted we could reduce the amount of days that he sees me from 7 days to 4 and from 2.5 weeks in the summer to 1 week. Not ideal but I'm trying to find a compromise.
The problem is it's not enough. It's becoming clear that he just doesn't want to come and visit me. He calls me just before it's time to visit and tells me he doesn't want to come. Unfortunately, I cannot speak with his mother to find a solution as she is incredibly spiteful and angry all the time. Last time he didn't want to come, she got really angry saying I was forcing him to come. Ideally she would want to stop visits altogether, that way she would not have to share travelling with me anymore.
So I've reached the point where I do not know what to do anymore. Half of me wants to let him choose, and therefore I would not see him until much later in his life if he changes his mind. The other half isn't convinced that that's the right decision. But I'm pretty sure that his resistance to coming here is only going to get worse as he gets older.
I've been hurting a lot over this ever since he was 3, having a child that doesn't want to see you despite your best efforts is not a nice feeling.
I am asking for advice here as hopefully someone can offer a fresh perspective on the best way to approach this situation.
Thank you for your time.
Hi there
This must be very distressing for you, I can only imagine how hurt you must feel.
It’s quite true, as children grow more independent they want to play with their friends and their peers become more important. However, I do feel that there could be an element of parental manipulation here, particularly as the mother is hostile towards you.
Is there any way that you could travel there to stay over, so that you can spend time with him on his own turf? That way you could do things that fit around other activities he might want to do.
Perhaps suggest that you have more indirect contact, but more often, such as FaceTime or Skype, that way you would be keeping your relationship going more regularly. Direct contact could then be organise more flexibly, giving him more say in when to visit with you.
He’s still quite young at 8 and I’m sure he would miss you if contact was stopped, but if you can work out a way to make it work for you both, that would show him that you are prepared to listen to him, your relationship may well improve.
There are no easy answers to this, hopefully someone else who has experience of this will be along to share their thoughts with you.
All the best
Thank you for the suggestions. I have been over to stay where he lives in a hotel before when he was younger but I cannot afford to stay in a hotel for the whole week. I would love to be able to spend time with him in his day-to-day life where he feels the most comfortable, and I know this is something he would like too as he has told me he wishes that I could spend time with him there. The main difficulty with this is that it can be particularly awkward/difficult for both him and myself as his mother and her partner can be very unwelcoming. I don’t ever get a “hi” or “hello” back when I see them and I get the evil eyes etc. However, this is a really good suggestion. I think this is something I should think about more. Maybe there is a way to make it work, I just haven’t come up with an idea yet. Obviously, this would not be possible every time and not for the whole week. I am starting a new job as a junior software developer in December, so hopefully in a couple years money for hotels should no longer be an issue.
I used to call him but eventually I stopped. I have to call him on his mum’s mobile and it’s harder than it sounds. He’s different on the phone, very nonchalant because his mum is always right behind. I understand that he doesn’t mean it and that he’s only trying to please his mum. It just felt like he didn’t want to speak and I just didn’t want to keep putting him in that position. It’s made me really insecure about calling him too, but that’s on me. Sometimes when his mum is mad at me, for example when she wants him not to come and see me, she will put him on the phone/on the spot so that he can tell me what she wants to tell me and it’s just heart-breaking seeing him being put in that position. That’s why I try to avoid speaking to him when his mum is around. But it’s hard to tell whether that’s the right thing to do or not. This will all become much easier hopefully when he is old enough to have his own mobile phone.
One thing I do notice is how incredibly different he is on the first day he sees me, compared to the last day. He just seems so much happier and more comfortable towards the end. His whole personality changes. Having said that, I have spoken to him about how he feels many times when he’s with me and his mother isn’t around, and although there is some obvious manipulation (I do not mention his mum of course), it’s not just his mum, he genuinely doesn’t feel like staying.
As far as contact being more flexible, I see him 5 weeks a year. This is what is written in the court order and the dates are set in stone unless I see him less, in which case his mum won’t mind. I can only see him during school holidays as I work all week. As it is a 6 hour drive, going up on a Saturday and coming back on a Sunday leaves us with very little time together. I’ve done it, but it was exhausting and not financially viable if I was going to do that fairly regularly (for now).
Thanks again,
Would it be feasible to do something like going to Center Parcs or something similar for the occasional long weekend, and tell him he can bring a friend? That way you're around to do some things with them, but he can also go off with his friend for periods. It might mean that both of you don't feel that you have to fill every moment doing something together, but can be a bit more relaxed about the whole thing?
You could try looking on Airbnb, there are some really cheap rooms on offer, it might be that you could get somewhere really cheaply, a room in someone’s home might be just the kind of informal situation that would work for you. I was really pleasantly surprised when I first had a look at the website.
All the best