I am here for some advice. I have been with my partner and her two children for 5 years now, but have always struggled with the parenting part towards the children. I always make sure I provide for them and they are looked after in that sense but I seem to be incapable of interacting and showing affection and attention towards them. It's not always something I do through choice either. I want to do all the right things for them and be a real dad. They have no contact with their real dad so it should be really easy but I am really struggling.
Regards
Ben
Hi Ben
Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? Parenting isn't easy and even biological parents struggle, it doesn't always come naturally.
It's great that you are acknowledging how you feel and are looking for ways to improve the situation. Talking to your partner about this, getting her support and working out strategies to help you move through this will help a lot.
If you feel it has gone past this point then you might like to think about family counselling, Relate can offer this service, here's a link to their website
www.relate.org
I've taken some excerpts from a website called Family Lives which you may find helpful...
As parents we don’t always start with that rush of affection or have an instant bond. Even when we do, as time passes and they grow and inevitably change we sometimes have to revisit and renew our connection with them. You build a relationship with your stepchildren in exactly the same way. Accepting them for who and what they are - they may do things we hate and irritate the [censored] out of us at times but deep down, children are ours and we love them unconditionally. Stepchildren may not be yours but by loving their parent they become yours by proxy. You build a relationship by accepting that, and them.
Spending time with them - we don’t always feel we have enough time for our partners, our own children and ourselves so stepchildren may come some way down the list of priorities. It is important to try and prioritise children where you can as unlike partners who are with you for life children grow up and leave.
Having stepchildren who value and feel affection for you and want to continue seeing you when they've grown and left home will be something you prize later on. It starts with you valuing and wanting to spend time with them, now. Ask them what they did today and don’t interrupt or comment, simply listen. Sit on the sofa and watch their favourite programme willingly. Take them to the movies, take them bowling and take them to the park. Doesn't matter if you hate doing these things, if they like it, they’ll like you for doing it with them.
Sometimes it goes wrong, there may be times when a stepchild either suddenly becomes moody or argumentative or hostile to a stepparent, or steps up previous dislike to active warfare. It’s very easy to wonder “what did I do?” and become riddled with guilt. Or, to search your mind, come up with nothing and become furious with the child for being so unreasonable.
Perhaps there are arguments going on which upset the child, who finds it hard to protest or put their own case, so they may resort to taking out frustration and distress when with you. Children often hit out and kick back at the adults in their life who seem safe and steady.
All stepfamilies start with unfinished business and baggage, and with parents and children having different views. What is a beginning and a joy for the adults is an ending and a loss for the children. Adults need to make the effort to understand and accept the child’s feelings otherwise the stepfamily or any new relationship will suffer.
Don’t expect instant results or acceptance. Take your time, keep trying and don’t take things personally if children are argumentative or uncooperative. It’s not about the stepparent, it could be about the fact that their parents now live apart and that some of their old life is gone forever.
Communication is the key to everything in a stepfamily. This doesn’t just mean talking, it means listening too. Respectful, concerned and concentrated listening helps the other person to listen to and hear you. In turn this can lead to negotiation and compromise – the solutions to so many stepfamily problems.
Building a step child/parent relationship is not an instant thing. Patience, acceptance of the child for who or what they are, and spending as much time as possible with them will help, as will having realistic expectations. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or stepparent. What you aim for is being “good enough”.
Here's a ink to the Family Lives website which you may find useful.
www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/
I'm pretty sure you're not alone in how you feel, step families are a large part of the changing family dynamic, problems inevitably arise, its recognising them and then how you deal with them that's important....you've made a good start.
All the best 🙂