Hi guys,
I'm new to this forum and have come here to talk about an issue which, upon a bit of research, I have found out is quite common. 5 months ago I became a dad for the first time, something which I had always thought, and was told, would be the most incredible experience of my life and 'the best thing you'll ever do'. For me however, this has not been the case.
To cut to the point quickly, I feel for the most part absolutely fed up and bored. I love my son unconditionally, he's my own flesh and blood after all, but as a whole I can honestly say that the experience since he was born has been one that I've just put up with rather than enjoyed. The overwhelming feelings that I have are of boredom, I'm bored out of my mind, and I feel like my freedom has all but gone forever. I always knew I wanted to be a dad at some point in my life and carry on the family name as I'm the only child after my older brother passed away when I was 17, and at 34 years old I don't think I would've liked to have left it any later. I had a few conversations with my girlfriend about my concerns of losing my freedom when we had the baby (my girlfriend already has a 10 year old daughter so knows all about parenting) and she always said "it won't change that much you know, your worrying about it too much".
Well it has changed, everything, as I should have known it would. I work away from home for a few weeks at a time and have done for years. I was single for nearly 8 years through my own choice, and have always enjoyed being my own person and having nobody to answer to, and I think that has made me a very selfish person. I played golf 3 or 4 times a week and also started teaching myself music production which I was starting to get quite good at. All that is now history since the baby came along, I barely get a spare second scratch my [censored] during the day now as I'm basically daddy day care while my girlfriend works and I feel a huge frustration at not being able to do what I love anymore. I'm lucky I get an hour a day to go to the gym and try to keep myself in shape. I met my girlfriend last year and within 18 months she and her daughter moved in with me and I love it, I really do, it sucks being in a house on your own for weeks on end. Now when I come home I feel trapped, completely trapped. My days consist of nothing but sitting in my living room watching [censored] on tv while I try and entertain the baby and I know this is only going to become a million times harder the older he gets once he's crawling then walking around trying to destroy everything in sight.
This is the thing I feel awful about. Having children is supposed to be this amazing experience which is the best thing that will ever happen to you, but for me it just doesn't feel like that. I love my son, but I just don't have this 'amazing' feeling that I'm supposed to. Every time he cries, my girlfriend picks him up with so much patience and love, where as I just sit and feel like "For [censored] sake, here we go again". I get stressed so easily every time he cries even if its just for attention. I feel so horribly guilty feeling like this. I hate the person that I'm turning into, I am so [censored] miserable all the time these days and people are starting to pick up on it as I was never like this. I feel sorry for my girlfriend waking up every morning seeing me fed up, and me giving her the same excuse that "I'm just tired". If she knew the real reason I'm miserable I think it would break her heart, I'd never tell her the way I feel at the moment and I just hope I snap out of this soon, although my fear is that I'm only going to get more frustrated and miserable the more of my already scarce spare time disappears over the coming years.
I have done a small amount of research into my feelings, thinking I was in a minority of new dads who feel like this, but it would appear I'm far from alone. After all this isn't a subject a lot of men will openly talk about or admit to for fear of being labelled as dead inside for having these feelings towards their children. I mean seriously, how many dads have you ever spoken to about how they're enjoying their amazing new chapter in life, only for them to turn around and say "well actually I'm [censored] sick of my life".
Has anybody else had these feelings or know of others who have?
Thanks for reading guys.
HI There,
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I don't think how you are feeling is isolated and as you say many dads feel this way, you are feeling trapped as you care for your son, I guess in a way it is simalar to PND in the way that the mothers can get, and actually it is possible for fathers to get this too.
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Having a child brings huge change and it's not always easy to adjust to this, I would go and speak with your GP and ask for some advice, it won't just be a case of them giving you meds and sending you away, they will be able to talk through your options.
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You may also want to look at joining some groups for babies, taking your son along to singing groups or play groups would get you out of the house and mixing with others, I dare say that as a dad you could be in the minority in these groups but I am sure that you would be welcomed, and actually spending time with some mothers who probably have some similar felings to the ones you have at times may also help.
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GTTS