Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: We are not open to new posts at this time
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
My partner ( i am female but signed upto try and et some help) has a child with his ex ( who is 3). We took her to mediation because she was violent towards him she orchestrated this ill mannered dictatorship that he had to do everything she asked , nothing was negotiable if he didnt do what she asked she lost it and has huge anger issues. Her language and behaviour is incredibly violent towards my partner. He has his daughter 2 days a week ( mid week) because she told him he has to have her then and one night to stay but she says it is not enoughl. She will not move on with her life, she asks his parents for money non stop and always ask his parents to look after the child when she wants to go out doing drugs, she makes them look after her non stop. His parents probably spend more time dealing with her toxic behaviour than they do getting to know me. I have been with him nearly 2 years now. I want her to move on with her life and stop trying to disrupt ours. They are not together anymore, she needs to find her own unit and independence in her own life to look after her, as its so disruptive towards our life. His parents do us no favours saying yes to everything. We have already been to mediation and she pays no attention to it, she is not interested in looking after her daughter , only the money she craves from my partner, which we know she spends on herself. Never buys her new clothes, never even buys her birthday parents. She also takes her to the pub most evenings, and will drink drive home. I dont know what to do , but its stressing me out so badly. I dont think his parents do it any favours by always saying yes to her. Isnt this weird? and not normal for an ex to be still clinging in the picture.
@lmcb hi. Do you think it would better for child to be in the primary care of the father? If so then that is something he could think about. You mention she has issues with drugs and alcohol. Is also violent with anger issues. These may be serious safeguarding concerns related to the child.
@bill337
Yes i agree, but he and i both work full time so we are unable to look after her full time. I also have a lodger which isnt the best living situation for us all.
@lmcb Hello, Thank you for sharing. It reads to me like you are in a very difficult and stressful situation, wanting to do the best by your partner and also for his little girl. I would strongly urge you to make time to sit down with your partner and discuss a plan of action with the safety and well being of his 3 year old at the forefront. There appears to be some serious issues from what I have read, and if correct, cannot be ignored. For the safety and well being of this child, there has to be a way to asses if all her needs are being met when she is with her main caregiver as well as yourselves. However, this, I think has to be instigated by your partner, the father of the child, because he has a duty of care for her. You are there to be his support and to help bring up his daughter when she is with you, but I would encourage him to speak to a professional to whom he can voice his concerns too and then take it from there.
The mother of the child sounds like she needs help too, but I would suggest that this is not for you to have to deal with or to become involved with.
On a lighter note, make the times that you are together as a family memorable - make memories that she will remember when she is older. Give praise and encouragement when she does something new for the first time, or does something well. Spend quality 1-1 time with her, so that you and your partner get that special time to create memories.Do an activity that is only something you would do at your home. Try really hard not to talk disrespectfully about the little girls Mum in front of her, even though you may feel like it sometimes, she is still her Mum and as she's 3, she will not realise quite what is going on.
I understand it must be tough for you both, but please make sure that you encourage your partner to get the right help with this situation. His daughter will be starting school aged 4, so she will need lots of encouragement and care for that.
Hope this helps,
All the best, Fegans Parent Support.
- Samaritans – call 116 123
- Shout – text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258
