[Solved] Access

Hi Lee

I would say that your ex is being quite reasonable, with her offer, I would suggest maybe though that as the time increases that the Thursday isn't dropped and that it goes something like:-

TUESDAYS - 4,45 -6
THURSDAYS 4,45-6
SUNDAY'S 9.45-10.45

AFTER THE 1ST OCTOBER SHE HAS AGREED

TUESDAY 4.45-6
THURSDAYS 4,45-6
SUNDAY 9.45-11.45

AFTER THE 1ST NOVEMBER
TUESDAY 4.45-6
THURSDAYS 4,45-6
SUNDAY 10-2.30

As your child is young the courts are unlikely (though not impossible) to order every other weekend, Your ex seems to have thought things through to have shorter but more regular visits rather than longer periods which is actually quite normal for younger children. as above though maybe look to not droping the Thursdays as the time increases on the Sundays. If you can agree to this now it will probably save a whole host of issues in later years with regards to contact, if you have a read through the forum you will see many people have struggled to get any contact at all and have to go through court.

I know how you feel about have short time with your child, but bear with it whilst they are young.

Darren

But she has picked the times as she says its round his "routine" but I think the times and the length of visits are unreasonable and she wont let me pick a time and the fact she is only agreed for me to take him when he was 17 weeks old. I keep threatening her with court but she wont listen and just wants it all her own way. I also live a 10/15 minute drive away from where she lives so I only get to spend 30 minutes with him. I also cant take him to my home in the week as it would take to long in the traffic and she said I should take him somewhere near to where she lives but isn this defeating the object if I cant take him to my home

Hi I understand your frustration, and if she is dictating the days and times that you see him then maybe you can discuss this further with her.

I would maybe try using mediation first before you decide to go to court as court can be a long drawn out proccess and she seems to be being reasonable in that she is giving you times when you can see him, these may not fit with regards to your own schedule so maybe mediation will allow you to agree on days and times that suit you better.

I will say again though that as your son is young that little and often is the best for him, he is young and dependant on his mother, this doesn't mean he can't also have a life with you, but it may be in your son's best interest for this to happen slowly over time, every other weekend may just be too much for you son to be away from his mum at the early stages of his life.

I would suggest mediation with your ex this will not only be a quicker and nicer option than court but will show your willingness to be reasonable to her and also to a judge in the future should court be needed.

Darren

I agree completely with Darren. I think a court would see what she has suggested is not only reasonable at the moment, but that she is looking to increase contact - I think if you go in trying to get a significant increase, then you will alienate the court, and if you go in for a small increase, they will wonder why you haven't tried mediation anyway.

sorry guys I need to fess up. I am actually the mum in this situation. I have had the same advise about access arrangements with my ex and our baby from 4 differently solicitors to check I am doing the right thing but he is still being completely irrational and unreasonably, I have asked him several time what he thinks is a good idea but he goes off on one or just ignores me. I am meant to be getting a letter off his solicitor tomorrow which he says is proposing an over night stay from next month, if I don't then he is taking me to court. I obviously dont want to go to court but overnight stays is far off the mark yet, but I have tried explaining to him that we are building up to that but he wont have any of it. He also wont go to mediation, I have arranged it!

I am so sorry that I have intruded on your dad website and that I have been sneaky and I hope I haven't caused any offence or upset to anyone I just needed reassuring from a man but coming from him rather than me if you get me. Again I am so sorry this is just obviously something that is worrying me and upsetting me a great deal.

My mum and dad split up when I was five and I was lucky enough to never be dragged into what so many people are now. I love my dad so much he is the best dad in the world, id never deprive my son of that. But my ex cant seem to understand our son is just a baby now.

Good luck to all you dads out there xxx

Hi There,

We may be a dad forum but we are open to mums too, I guess I can see your reasons for posting as you did but we would have answered the same had you confessed to being the mum offering this agreement.

I think that what your offeringh is fair and that if your ex does get a solicitor to send a letter then the solicitor would be acting because your ex has told them to, not as they believe it to be a good idea, I also think a judge would side with you on overnight contact at this stage being to soon in your baby's life.

If you do go to court, don't get caught up in solicitors fees, go alone and represent yourself, its not as hard as you would think and going in with a fair reasonable offer like the one you have put on here, I would have thought it would be pretty straight forward.

It will also go in your favour that you have tried to arrange mediation as this is something the judge will look for as a way of you sorting this yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Darren

Had a letter advising he wants the following

Sept

TUESDAYS 4.30-6.30 (to bath our son and at his house give him his bottle and then put him in the car at bring him to mine so i can put him in bed)

THURSDAYS 5.30-6.30 (at my house)
SUNDAY 9.45-10.45

October
TUESDAYS 4.30-6.30
WEDNESDAY 5.30-6.30
THURSDAYS 5.30-6.30
(MY EX HAS PROPOSED THIS SHOULD ALL TAKE PLACE AT MY HOUSE AS HE IS MOVING FURTHER AWAY BUT STILL WORKS IN THE TOWN I LIVE)

SUNDAY 9AM-12PM

November
TUESDAYS 4.30-6.30
THURSDAYS 5.30-6.30

Sat 5.30pm till Sunday 10am

December
Tuesdays 5.30pm til Wednesday 8.30am
Sat 5.30pm till Sunday 12pm

I am in utter shock this has been suggested my idea was to work up to FULL DAYS before overnight stays and then when that happened I would have suggested every other Saturday

Hi there,

Well I'd say that what you have suggested is fair and I would stick to it, as said before I would have thought that a judge and caffcass would be in your corner on this. You seem to be looking at things sensibly with your child's best interest in mind and this is what a judge would do also.

I won't would right back (do this yourself no need to pay fees of a solicitor) saying that you feel that your offer is fair and in the best interest of your son. You could offer to add an extra evening of an hour or two, but stick to your guns and don't be intimated just because you've received this letter.

Darren

Thanks Darren I will. I have a feeling this is going to go to court no matter what. Do you know roughly how long it all takes and what is involved etc....

Hi Lee

Like Darren and anyone else on here, no problem at all with how you've posted on here - at least you have confidence that we haven't sided with the father because he's the dad, but said straight off that what we thought you were offering was fair, even without knowing it was you, if you see what I mean 🙂

Have you read yoji's "guide to representing yourself" at the top of the legal eagle section? That will give you a lot of help with where you are going, though your ex will be the one who is applying to court, so he'll be the one paying the fee.

Thanks Darren I will. I have a feeling this is going to go to court no matter what. Do you know roughly how long it all takes and what is involved etc....

Unfortunately (for me) I do

I went through court it took about 12 months from me writing a letter to my ex explaining that if we weren't able to sort things ourselves then I would go to court, I say about 12 months the letter I sent her was dated exactly 12 months to the day prior to my final court hearing where the judge set out our contact order.

As actd has said your ex will be applying for the contact order so you don't need to worry about that bit, you will just have to reply with your offer of contact when you receive the court papers, your offer isn't that far off what he wants, just give your reasons for what you are offering.

When you have replied you will receive a date for the first hearing, at this hearing I would imagine the judge would place an interim order but this will just be so your ex gets some contact with your son. I would expect you will be expected to attend a pip (parenting information program) this is government funded and you attend separately and go through a work book and watch videos about how you should keep your child's best interest at heart, the judge may suggest mediation so you can try and sort things yourself (like I've said as you've tried to offer this already that will go in your favor) caffcass will be involved throughout and will contact you and your ex before and probably during the whole process.

You may have many visits to court before a final order is written, I think I went 4-5 times.

You can represent yourself and I'd advise this not only as it will save you a lot of money but because the judge gets to hear your voice and your emotions which will help when explaining you have your sons best interest at heart, you will be able to talk about your experience of growing up and how you know your son needs a father but just at a speed that suits him and not his father.

I went to court without a solicitor and used this Site for advice and support and it proved such a valuable asset I stayed so I could offer support to others (as you've seen not just dad's we are here for all) its only an opinion but that said it's an opinion of actd too but I feel you are right in what your offering and you shouldn't back down, your son needs his father and none of us here would ever tell you any different but having a father shouldn't be at the expense of loosing a routine at a very young age, your ex should see this and be working to get that routine instead of fighting for what turns out to be not really much more than you are offering.

Good luck with this and please feel free to stick around and contribute to other posts as a mum I'm sure you could offer another view we may not think of which could be valuable to others.

Darren

Thanks actd I just worry so much and I was worried people were telling me what I wanted to hear.

And Darren if you read it again you will see my ex is actually asking to take him overnight on a weekend from November and once during the week overnight from December. But if you look at the times there dont seem to be beneficial to my ex or our baby. Given he is in bed for 7pm and its an hour to drive to where my ex will be leaving then

Thank you so much its been so nice having advise and support from you dads. I will certainty be sticking around to offer any advise I can give