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Hi I am Bruce and thanks for reading my story, I have a 7 month old baby girl called Shelbie. Her mother and I split up about 3 months ago it had always been a trying relationship. However Shelbie came along on Boxing day 2011, since our split I have tried to see as much of Shelbie as I can which the mother has set at 4 hours every fortnight. This amounts to 104 hours a year or 4.3 days, not very much......??? I keep hearing that the courts rule in the best interests of the child, however we went through solicitors at the start and my solicitor discussed the issue with the firms family law expert, who said the court would be unlikely to grant any more access, they might make it 2 hours weekly? what can I do in 2 hours when that time includes picking her up and dropping her off. Her mother is not very reasonable and there is no way I would get her to attend mediation, also her parents are a big issue as they were right from the offset too involved in the relationship. She stays with them even though she has a house in the town that she never stays in. I pay through the CSA £81 a week for Shelbie. I just want to be a dad to my little girl but my ex is doing everything she can to prevent her developing a bond with me, even telling me this by text message. I was out last night, so was she, I seen her out with friends today no baby. These are times I could have been looking after my daughter but instead she has the ready made babysitters in mum and dad. I have been on holiday for 3 weeks and asked if I could have Shelbie for a few hours during the week as well as next Saturday. I received a reply leave me alone you get her next Saturday 12-4. I don't know what to do can anyone advise me how I should progress, all I want is to be a father to my daughter. thanks B
Hi Bruce,
Welcome to the site! I'm sorry to hear about your problem. It must be quite a frustrating time for you?
Can you answer a couple of questions for me? Does your name appaear on Shelbie's birth certificate? And do you live relatively close to your ex or her parents? Is your ex breast feeding?
Given your daughters age the courts tend to approach contact from the perspective of "a little, but often". This means that they would suggest seeing her in in brief spells, say between two and four hours. However whilst each period of contact is fairly restricted, the court would like it to happen regularly to help the non-resident parent bond with their child and develop a strong relationship. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to see your daughter for at least 3-4 hours PER WEEK. Maybe 2-3 hours on a Saturday or Sunday with an extra 1-2 hours on an evening during the week? Obviously as she gets older you want that level of contact to increase accordingly with a view to overnight stays, holidays etc.
I think you should seriously consider mediation even if you think your ex will refuse. The court will have expected you to have tried this prior to approaching them anyway. You also need to be aware that if you decide to go to court you do run the risk that your ex will further restrict contact to try and control you. If this happens you'll be waiting 6-8 weeks before your first appearance in court. That could be 6-8 weeks of not seeing your child.
FM '70
Hi and thanks for getting back to me. Yes my name is on Shelbie's birth certificate, and no Shelbie is not breast fed, I live approx 6 miles away from her parents and her own house. I would love to get her mother to attend mediation but that will be nigh on impossible, As I struggle to even get a response to my text messages. B
Hi There,
I agree with FM you need to try and get better access with your daughter but you will have to go for the small visists more often rather than longer visits whilst she is at this age and then increase these to better access as she gets older.
As your ex won't consider going to mediation I would suggest writting a letter to her and sening it recorded delivery asking for better contact, work out a plan to see shelby (love her name by the way) that show's you are thinking of her needs and ask that if your ex can't agree to this that she attends mediation with you so you are able to discuss further. You never know she may attend, but if she refuses or ignores the letter then you have grounds to go to court (and as you have asked for mediation this will help)
If you have to go to court there is a guide to doing this at the top of the legal section it talks you through applying for and representing yourself through court, I'd have a read through now so you know what to expect.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Darren
Thanks Darren, much appreciated I will try and send a letter as you mention and take it from there I have tried to text her today as I am on holiday to see if I could possibly get her for a few hours during the week she point blank refuses this and says I will get her on Saturday and to stop texting as her new boyfriend doesn't like her getting upset, and wait for it........!!! it's not fair on the kids.
My ex has an older daughter called Caitlin who I also had a strong bond with, however I never ever tried to replace her own dad, but Caitlin will not even speak to him on the phone and starts shaking and gets stressed out when ever he asks her if she wants to come over. This Is partially caused by the grandmother and grandfathers molly coddling of Caitlin. This is what scares me as I do not want the same thing to happen to me and Shelbie. I don't for a minute think there is any other reason for Caitlins behavior than she just doesn't have a bond with him partiality her dads fault because initially it used to be his mum that looked after Caitlin and there was never an issue she used to stay for weekends no problem. However she sadly passed away a few years ago and the relationship between Simon and his daughter has never been the same since. B
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