[Solved] Access stopped at will

I feel for you my friend. I separated from my wife 2 years ago and had all the contact I wanted at first , like you, stopped along with a CSA application being made. Keep all receipts for anything you buy your children, it will not change CSA am mounts you pay but you have evidence of assisting your children's welfare. You also need to contact a lawyer and ask them to write to your ex formally requesting reinstatement of previous contact or provide reasons why this is not suitable, this puts ball in her court, keep all letters, texts, emails etc you may need these if you eventually have to go to court. Above all, remain consistent in your request for contact, try not to change days times too much as you want to show you are offering stability and consistency. Try to keep emotions in check and avoid confrontation and arguing unfortunately as men we come across far more aggressive in eyes of law even if we are only standing our ground or defending ourselves. Don't make threats about going to court but ask your lawyer to start building your case and write down every event that takes place. Remember that you are doing this to see your children and focus only on them. Good luck

Hi akb and welcome 🙂

David has given some good advice but quite often people find they just cannot afford a solicitor as their fees can run into the thousands quite easily. If this is the case for you, you might like to consider self representing. There are many Dads here that have been, or are going through this process so you will get plenty of advice and support.

I think the first step would be to consider Mediation, this is almost always the first step before involving the courts, and it is something that a solicitor would advise you to attempt before taking your case further anyway. This can be arranged relatively quickly and you would both be encouraged to discuss all of the issues and reach an agreement, the mediators are fully trained to help and guide you both through this. There is a charge for this service but if you are in receipt of benefits, or on a low income, you will be entitled to Legal Aid to cover the cost. Both Mediation and the Court would find stopping contact as a means of increasing CSA payments wholly unacceptable. Here's a link to the Mediation service - www.nfm.org.uk

If you want to check that you are making the correct maintenance payment you can google the CSA calculator which will provide you with a guideline amount. There is also a sticky situated at the top of the Child Maintenance section called "How does the CSA calculate payments" this link to a CSA leaflet that you may find helpful.

If you take a look at the top of the Legal Eagle section you will find a couple of stickys about self representing and one that is a guide to the C100 form, which is the form you would need to apply to,court for a Contact Order.

Best of luck 🙂

Sorry to say this......but with CSA involved i'd almost say 100% she's realised she can get more money by stopping you having the kids for more than 52 or 54 days per year!!!
if you were having them for more than that figure then you would be able to reduce the amount of maintenance by a 7th!!

Just call me untrusting/suspicious of the motives behind contact denial!!

I am afraid Dad I D could be right.

Have you asked her about reinstating contact? You could write/text her herself asking her to reinstate contact and if she refuses or does not reply, go for mediation. If that is unsuccessful you will have no choice but to issue an application for contact. there are plenty of us on here who can help you, information stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section regarding representing yourself and issuing the C100.

...yes writing a letter would be good idea rather than paying a solicitor! I think a letter would be better, as its a little more formal, dont forget to keep a copy though! Have a look at the link to the Mediation service i gave you, the website is very informative. 🙂

Well, further update...

CSA have confirmed i will have to pay £490 a month, as my ex has declared i am only having the boys everyother weekend once a night (Compared to every weekend fri-sunday - pre CSA application).
I have also arranged a mediation session, out of my own pocket - which she has also declined to attend.

I am absolutley astonished that people can do this to their children! Albeit, thats all she has now to hurt me, she has my home and car already!

Any advice on how to proceed now would be greatly appreciated, but i fear a solicitor is now the only way forward....

Well I would start at the beginning, write a letter asking her to reinstate your contact to what it was previously.

If she refuses, you could apply for Mediation, where I may end up being sorted out and will only cost you roughly £100 unless you are eligible for legal aid.

If she refuses mediation, then it will be necessary to make an application to Court which will cost you £200 for the initial application.

Oh, and I would now stop purchasing items for your children that she asks you to buy! If the kids ask you, i.e.cds books, pretty clothes, ipad(!) when they are with you fine, (just make sure that she is not getting them to ask you or they are not items that she normally asks you to bu!) but I would not be paying extra on top of the CSA and she has reduced your contact.

You do not need to use a solicitor if you do not want too and many on here have successfully self-represented themselves. There is some advice in the stickies section (see NJ I remembered again! LOL!) and plenty on here who can and will help you.

What I'd like to see as a decent hard working and devoted father would like to see is an end to the use of reducing contact for fathers for financial gain!

The government and CSA ought to encourage mothers to promote contact for their maintenance rather than allow the mothers to reduce it so they get more money/benefits!
Fathers (generally speaking) are being ripped off by the CSA and every other organisation involved in family disputes! solicitors see £££ signs on these cases! many organisations want to help us fathers see our kids...but you need to pay for the services....how about making the person preventing contact pay when found to be deceiving people/lying about you!

If you want to see your children you just have to find a way to pay up what they demand seems to be the reoccurring theme!

I’ve no objection to paying for my child to have anything he needs….what I do object to is my ex having 2 holidays a year, a better car, a better house etc… when she’s not working and my child attends school!!! Who’s paying for all that? Me..and every other decent working father! Oh and other tax payers I’ve missed out there!

How about instead of the CSA/Government paying them money direct….why not give them vouchers to spend in shops/supermarkets…and only for goods that are in the best interests of our children…food, clothes, etc… I’d say a percentage towards heating, electric, housing etc… too but make sure its for the good of the children not these contact denying persons!

Sorry….rant over!

Any Solicitor will tell you that maintenance does not depend on contact and I have always told every parent this...so why the Govt/CSA are allowing this to happen heaven only knows...but having been divorced when the courts dealt with maintenance and seeing the CSA take over, the ideology was good (my ex was on of the missing/non paying ones) but to take easy target, those who always pay/paid is so totally wrong!!! They still do it to. They don't do enough to find the missing non paying parents!)

Hi there 🙂

As she has refused Mediation which you paid for, the Mediator should issue you with a form FM1 which you would submit along with the C100 form to apply for contact. She has no right to reduce established contact for any other reason than safeguarding issues...if you have any texts or anything from her where she admits reducing contact for financial gain, get it transcribed/copied as proof in court. The judge should take a dim view of her using the children in this way, and you should get your usual contact reinstated and written into an order.

As has been said you dont need a solicitor, it will cost you thousands.

The rules that govern CSA calculations are ripe for abuse and its little wonder that unscrupulous women take full advantage of this gaping loophole...it needs to be addressed. CSa reform will be coming into effect in 2014, have a look at the sticky about it...I think its at the top of the Current Affairs, Topical Discussion section...it makes interesting reading. The CSA have been increasingly active of late, clawing as much money in as they can regardless of the distress it causes. It makes my blood boil! 😡

If you decide to go to court we will advise and support you as much as we can. Self representation is very doable! 🙂

I agree with the system that contact and maintenance should not be linked - don't forget that there are non-resident parents out there who choose not to have contact, and if they were linked, then they could refuse to pay maintenance.

The problem is not with the lack of linking the two, it is with enforcement - or lack of - of contact orders, and the courts not always realising that contact is reduced simply for financial gain.

Sadly you are right ACTD 🙁

Generally if there has been established and regular contact which has been reduced suddenly for no apparent reason, the courts should reinstate it. The reduction in contact can be shown to be linked to the CSA claim just by the dates here, this should be enough proof for the court to realize that the mother is using her children for financial gain..

THanks for your comments so far.

Are you aware of any letter templates i can use, requesting reasonable access to my children?
So far my EX hasnt told CSA to proceed, but is using it as a blackmail attempt to make me get back with her.

She wants me to have my 3 boys one night everyother weekend.

My request, albeit less than what ive have to date would be two nights everyother weekend.

I want to make sure i word things correctly, so i cant be accused of bullying her etc etc

I dont have a template but can offer that reasonable access would possibly be, Friday afternoon/after school - Monday morning/drop off at school alternate weekends and 1 evening a week every week.

May depend on the age of the children, mine 3 & 6.

My ex restricted access to 1 evening every weekend and 1 hour midweek which was changed at the very first hearing.

I am sure this was on advice of solicitor as she didnt do it ou of concern for our children or goodwill.

Regards,

Dave

Yes the courts do favour contact every other weekend, but Friday to sunday...not just one night.

If you want to PM your letter to me AK, I will happily have a look at it for you,

Dear xxxxxx

I am writing with reference to the changes you have made to the contact agreement that we have had in place for the last eight months.

I believe that this is not in the best interests of (names of children). They are used to having contact with me from friday to monday every weekend, and I have a close and established bond with them, and they with me.

The only reason that I can see for this reduction of contact is your recent claim through the CSA, and the fact that the less overnight stays during contact with the non resident parent, the more maintenance the parent with care is entitled to. This could be interpreted as using the children for financial gain which the authorities would take a very dim view of. In fact the issue of contact and maintenance are completely separate and one should not be dependant on the other.

I am urging you to reconsider your decision for the well being of our children, as this should be our only concern. What has happened between us should not be visited on (names of children) and they shouldn't be made to pay for our mistakes.

It is completely unfair to all of us to ask me to go from having our children every weekend for the whole weekend, to only seeing them for one night every other weekend, which is what you are offering me. Whilst this is extremely difficult for me, I am requesting that you agree to at least two nights every other weekend, with a view to accommodating more contact as time goes on. I would hope that once things have settled down we could get back to our original arrangement.

I urge you to reconsider, this is about what is best for the children. If you could get back to me with your thoughts about my suggestion
within the next 7 days so that we can get contact back on track and minimize the disruption to our childrens lives.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Something like this as its less formal and places the importance on what is best for the children...of course its just a basic outline and you can add or take out what you feel comfortable with 🙂

I

Thanks for your comments guys.
Another Query

1. Where do my family stand in reagrds of access, eg grandparent rights?

...There arnt rights as such for Grandparents, when the children are with you then you do have the right to take the children to see them...Its not usual for the mother to be able to dictate what the non resident parent does when the children are with him.

It has been known for Grandparents to apply to the court for contact in their own right but there are mixed results with this.