[Solved] advice for my son

Hi Karen 🙂

Oh that poor little boy, he must be so unhappy.

I'm not sure about your sons rights to take him to the GP without the mothers consent, he could phone the surgery, explain the situation and see where he stands.

I would also suggest he contacts the school again and discusses the mothers refusal to take this seriously or to do anything about it. The school has the power to make a report to the Social Services if they are worried about a childs welfare and if I were your son I would push the school to do this. He could explain that if he were to push for it the mother would stop contact which would put your grandson at greater risk.

The Social Services should take this seriously if your grandson is desperate enough to make these threats, it needs to be addressed immediately. If it were me I would not rest until the Social Service agree to investigate.

Your son can go to court and get a defined Contact Order, his lawyers should have told him this. There are lots of Dads on here that represent themselves. One member that springs to mind is Babyreecesdaddy who is going through the court process for contact at the moment, and he lives in Scotland....He also has a blog about his fight to see his son which might give you some hope that your son can do something about this.

Best of luck 🙂

This is probably unorthodox, but the police have announced today a change in the way they deal with missing persons, in that they will only actively go out where there are concerns for the safety of a person, otherwise they will monitor the situation. If that's the case, I wonder what would happen if your grandson repeatedly ran away from his mother and went to your son. The first couple of times they may come and return him to his mother, but after that? ..... maybe they'd just monitor....

...Just a thought Karen....If as you say, your son has equal PR then theoretically he could just keep his son after the next contact visit. I think it would be well worth giving the police a call and explaining the situation and asking if he kept hold of his son at the next contact visit whether that would be permissable and whether they would intervene and take him back to the mother.

My grandsons mother sent him to us because she couldnt cope, and then after a few days asked for him back, my son refused as there were serious concerns for his welfare and the mother sent the police round but they couldnt intervene and take him from us because my son had equal parental responsibility. They just made sure it was a safe environment for him. My son now has full custody of his boy.

If you can do that and the police say its ok your son would have to apply for Residency immediately, this could be done as an emergency and could be in court within days. I know you are in Scotland but I shouldnt think the law is greatly different.

That's probably the more orthodox way of doing it - but always good to have all options available 😀

Karen, if you don't have a solicitor, you can contact the Scottish Child Law Centre free of charge www.sclc.org.uk

just to update this, my grandson is now under the child protection services, the school and other services are helping and the results so far although indicate that he is "crying out for the attention of his mother and she should also give the children more access to their father (my son) but the mother does not think this will change! they are very concerned about my grandson harming himself and as the mother has told them he also harms animals and his sister they are very concerned about these also, but I have to say we have to dogs and have never seen any indication of any thing other than total love towards our dogs and as for the allegations of harming his sister, they have little arguments but have never seen him raise a hand to her ever, just the usual childish things. so now they are going to set up help for her to bond with her son and to help him understand his feeling so we will have to wait and see if this helps him xx

Thanks for the update Karen...you must all be really worried.

Mothers have been known to lie to the Social Services...my sons ex is a case in point! All you can do is make sure that they know that you and your family have never seen any sign whatsoever of this type of harming behaviour towards animals or his sister. Theres nothing wrong in sharing your opinions with them. It could be that the mother is deflecting blame for her sons distress onto him ....despicable!

All you can do is be there and keep your finger on the pulse by keeping in touch with the agencies involved....and keep pushing for more contact.

All the best NJ x

1 meeting with the CPU, social services, school, mum, stepdad and my son and myself, all not good, very concerned by what mum is saying, child out of control, child telling every one he is going to run away has it all worked out and if he cant run away too his dad he is going to kill himself, childs letter to his dad stating his feelings...... child deemed to be at risk, agreement made to help the situation, advise given, next meeting arranged for 4 weeks............................. 😡 ;;) 😡

2nd meeting 4 weeks later (yesterday) mum informed every one that she was really angry with last meeting, she stated that no one was bothered about what she or child was going through so it was all a waste of her time, no one could reason with her, she just said that every thing was really good at home, that there was no problems at all my grandson was fine, we raised the animal and sister harming, she said he did harm animals then he didnt when we said that we have NEVER witnessed ANY harming of anything EVER she then said that he was too clever to do it infront of any one that it was terrible to hear a cat screaming and having to go upstairs and have child say he was just angry and hit the cat or threw it down stairs but it was all good now. then she got angry again as she felt the school had totally disregarded her explicit instructions and had given him a yogurt when he had said he was hungry again no amount of reasoning could resolve the issues she had so again the meeting was moved on. Mum and Dad agreed to go to mediation as mum says she and dad do not talk as Dad is unreasonable.
The meeting ended "No further involvement by CPU or SS needed mum was informed that if she felt she needed help in the future she just had to pick up the phone or go to the school,

FANTASTIC take the word of one parent .......................... banging head on a brick wall 😡

Oh Karen thats terrible!

I know just how you feel, we have also been let down by the very agencies that are supposed to be protecting our little one! Its beyond me how they can take the word of the mother over everyone and just ignore the childs obvious cries for help! You must be at your wits end...

What is it going to take to make them sit up and listen? We ask ourselves the same question, but the answer doesn't bear thinking about does it!!! 😡

We call my sons ex teflon knickers because nothing sticks to her... She can get away with it all, drugs, violent partners, beating her children...

All I can say is keep at it and accept that you might have to pick up the pieces at some point in the future...

All the best Karen 🙂

thank you, yes we feel let down mainly for my grandson, they have the letter he wrote to his dad saying he was wanting to kill himself , he is being so brave in telling every one what is going on but he always says "mum will just say I am a liar, nothing will change! what I cant get my head around is that at one meeting EVERY ONE is saying he is at risk every one is very very concerned and 4 weeks later because mum says everything is fine they believe her and no further intervention is needed and no one has talked to my grandson since the last meeting.
We are talking the children to Disney Land in 5 weeks time and are very worried that Mum will refuse to let them go if we do anything to upset her but then we will be taking further action letting every one know what that we are not happy at all, only 1 more year until he can say where he wants to live and there will be nothing that she can do this has been going on since he was 3 years old, I have lost count of the times mum has raised "serious concerns" about him but does not follow up with the arranged help saying he has been discharged by the psychologist even though we have the letters saying" mum has not attended any appointments therefore after missing 6 months of appointments no more will be made and if mum feels that at any time in the future she would like any further assistance all she has to do is to phone" I know of at least 5 times she has visited the GP about so called outrageous behavior, we have records to back up our concerns but this is does not appear to to count for any thing the only thing that matters is what Mum says??????
I am so angry and frustrated that no one appears to doing any thing but know that at some time in the future my son is going to have to have to help my grandson deal with it all xxxx

Have you thought about going to see your MP... Its worth a try and all of these agencies are answerable to them! If you call your MPs surgery and make an appointment you should get to see them fairly quickly. Take all your paperwork with you, put it in a file in chronological order and write down all of the points you want to raise.

Perhaps you should research The Social Services Authority that is administering your grandsons case, have a look on the OFSTED website and see if you can find any info on their status...OFSTED do reports on how well these local authorities are functioning and it may be that they are on an improvement order of some kind. I mention this because this was the case with the SS in our area, the OFSTED report was damning and actually stated that they had failed the children in their care...This would give your argument that they are failing some credence and might help to hold them to account!

Good luck 🙂

Hi Karen

I would do what NannyJ suggests, because she is not attending psychological appointments she is not caring for the welfare of the child and, sounds more like emotional abuse and I am very surprised that SS have closed the case! Go to your MP and look at OFSTED.

My son has left messages with the SS and the school and is waiting for them to get back to him. I am wondering if they were ALLOWING MOTHER to show her true colours which she did and as she said she was" not willing to follow any guild lines given as there was no point" and that she did not want to attend this meeting as "no one cared what she was putting up, with I came to you for help and you have made it clear that you dont care about her son" No one at that meeting could possibly not be concerned unless they were brain dead!
the main RED FLAGS according to SS CPU and the school 4 weeks ago were: threatening to kill himself : running away: violence to Sister and animals
Mum says he is happy now and does not want to kill himself or run away
asked about the violence to sister and animals she insisted and when asked by me to give specific instances she gave several!!!! even saying that he was too clever to show this in front of any one but " do you know what it feels like to hear thud and a cat screaming and that instance when you see that smug look on his face when he lets you he hit the cat"

It will be interesting to get the minutes from that meeting (which should be next week)
like I have said we are waiting for the CPU SS and the school to get back to us so we can ask what is going to happen now, if they say that nothing is going to happen and their involvement is over then we will take it higher MPs ect
I would like to thank you for being here to allow people like me to vent and also for the advice you all have given, we will be acting on it xxx

following advice given here I have talked to a lawyer to get help and they were very positive, my grandson can get a lawyer there is no age limit (we were told he would have to 12) so he can get one now and apply to go to court to ask to live with his dad he will have to say what has been going on and we will have to provide evidence to support but as we have doctor letters and school meeting ect we have a good case, my son could apply to child reporter to get an order put in place until a court hearing as my grandsons mental health is being neglected by mum as she refuses to follow up appointments and advice she has been given. the next time we see the children is in a couple of weeks when we are going to disneyland for 2 weeks with them so we will wait until we get back as we dont want to spoil the holiday as it is the first time mum has let them leave Scotland, will let you know what happens, again thank you for all the advice you have given xxx

Disneyland?! wow, I hope you all have an ace time.I am sure you will! 😆

Did you get the Minutes of the last meeting? You will certainly need those for court action.

I am very happy to hear you sought legal advice and have found out that your grandson can have a solicitor and a good thing to wait until after your holiday!!

Good luck 🙂

Oh Karen that is really positive news, thank you so much for updating us! 🙂

Have a wonderful time in Disneyland and recharge your batteries! I am so happy that we have been able to help you all move forward, but all the hard work has been done by you ! 😉 ...Its pretty amazing what can be accomplished when we put our minds to it....Lets face it, our children and grandchildren are our world and we would lie down and die for them if we had to!

yes we got the minutes from the last meeting, the lawyer was very surprised that no further action was taken as far as she could make out mum just reaffirmed all her concerns about my grandson but she was not going to do any thing so that was it over with social services agreed that they were very concerned but agreed that no further action was needed, the lawyer was also concerned that the only person that had talked to my grandson about the "wanting to kill him self and waiting to run away" was the head teacher and not a professional child psychologist as mum was refusing to phone and arrange appointments.

we are really looking forward to taking them to Disneyland in Orlando, it has been booked for over a year and last week mum gave us the passports and a letter saying they could go (incase she changed her mind I thought it would be a good idea to have a letter from her)
both the children think she will stop them from going so they are a bit worried but we will have a great time xx

oh bless..poor little things(: they shouldn't have to have that worry before such a fab hol!

Glad you got the letter of consent too, many countries now want to see such a letter/proper document confirming that the resident parent gives consent for the children to leave the country. To try to avoid abduction cases.

Sounds like the solicitor is on the ball, and will get cracking for you after your holiday..soo all looking up 🙂 Hopefully making you feel a little better about things too 🙂

hello, just thought I would post an update, up till now not much progress at all, my son has been doing everything he could but nothing appeared to be moving forward for my Grandson until this past Monday when my son got a phone call so say my grandson had gone missing!!! the police and every one were out looking for him, I picked my son up and raced round to my sons house, there he was very very distressed sobbing and shaking uncontrollably ( he had told us at a child protection meeting last year that he had unlocked a window at his dads house so that when he ran away he would be able to get into the house and hide until we got to him) we knew the widow was unlocked and had left it for all this time just incase, thank goodness we did!!!!
any way we phoned his mum to tell her that we had him and he was safe, to which there was a disgusting foul mouth response, telling us she could not stand the sight of the little b******and we had better keep him she did not want him, my son told her that was just as well as he was refusing to go back and we would not be taking him back, my son then phoned the police to inform them, they came round had a wee chat to my grandson, who told them he was not going back to his mum and if they made him he would just run away as soon as he could. The police told him they just needed to make sure he was safe and that they would more than happy to inform the school and Social Services and his mother that at least for now they were more than happy to leave G___ with his dad, obviously reports would need to be done and an investigation into every thing. so far no one from Social services has contacted my son, although he phoned them only to be told that no one had been assigned to my grandson and so until one is there is nothing they can do!! so in the meantime my grandson is safe in the hands of his dad and could not be happier and that my granddaughter who wants to live with her dad also get to live them. its only been 4 days and we have a long way to go but we are over the moon

That sounds good - well done to your grandson for thinking ahead 🙂

I would chase up the police officer and ask him to get that report in.

you are a mum, your 11 yrs old runs away from home, what do you do?
1 phone the police.....Done
2 go out searching...... nope
3 call him everything under the sun......yep
4 cut his image out of your facebook pictures... done

now his dad has to find the right things to say to help ease his pain, as his school mates are asking him why his mum has cut him out of photos
my son managed to contact social services yesterday only to be told it is up to him to contact his ex and ask if it ok for his son to live with him and to arrange contact between mum and son, ABSOLUTELY RAGING, 😡

Dear God, what a sad story....my partners sons are 8 and 4 and i just hope to god they do not have to go to those extremes.
For us so far social services have been all over it and are being good so far.
Some mothers simply do not deserve to have children.

your grandson is old enough that his wishes and feelings would be taken into consideration,

Is the mother refusing to allow your grandson to stay ?

has your son applied for the child allowance ? - I ask this because otherwise all the time his with you both his mother will still claim CSA and child allowance etc and for some reason the services believe whom ever claims the child allowance is the main carer or parent with care , so I would put in an application ASAP,

I would if possible to secure his future of living with his dad apply to the courts for residency , they will instruct cafcass who will obtain the wishes and feelings of your grandson and should be able to proceed from their - you can self represent not solicitor needed,

can not believe what the mother has done - but very pleased to read your grandson is safe with you and your son

he saw his mother yesterday at school, she ignored him and carried on walking, my son has an appointment with his lawyer nest Tuesday so we will know more about where we stand and where to go from here, then.
his mother has stopped his little sister from having school lunch so he doesnt have much contact with her at school, this has made both of them very upset, hope we get her tomorrow as she is due to go to her dads, so we will find out how she is coping, she is shouting and angry with her brother, but I think its because she wants to live with him and her dad and cant wait to spend some time with them both to try and help them sort their feelings out, they are so so close, so i think she is venting at him because in her words "I have no one just for me at mums but you have dad"
I am finding it so hard to say positive things about their mum as we dont want them to know how we really feel about her. I think I should get a medal,lol it is so unlike me usually if it is in my head it trots right out my mouth and takes me by surprise!!!

i will keep you updated xx

well, so far, mum has made no real effort, not responding even to lawyers letters, but my grandson is HAPPY and bless him "not hungry" as he gets "proper dinners", the sad thing is that he does not get the contact he wanted with his sister but at least he sees her once a week and every second weekend, he starts a new school in August and we are just praying that he continues to be as happy as he is now that he is living with his dad, my son is thrilled to have him living with him, there is so much fun in his home now xxx

my grandson had his 12th birthday , it came and went with no word from his mum.
on Monday, his mum turned up and asked to talk to him at school, a teacher sat in when they met, Mum said all the right thinks, she only wants him to be happy she wants him to visit, blah blah blah... she gave him a handful of "family photos" and a stone, on which she had written "mum loves you", he was on top of the moon when he came home from school, next day Tuesday, it is is final assembly at primary school, BIG event for all the children going to high school, we all went to watch, his mum was there, again he was so pleased, it went great, when it finished we headed home, Griffin came home from school really upset, mum had got him in the playground and told him if he did not come home to live he couldnt even go to visit, she was wiping her hands of him and she left. The next day, Wednesday,when we went to pick him up from school an other mother came to tell us that his mum had went up to her at lunch time and asked her to give my grandson a message, the message was she should not have said what she said and she did want him to come to visit.
she sent my son a text message asking if my grandson would like to visit after school the following day (Thursday) but my grandson said no as it was too short notice (he is frightened of his mum) but he would go on Friday, the final day of primary school, the school closes at 12 noon for the summer holidays, so he goes, he took his mobile phone and by 2pm my son got a message from him saying "mum says she is keeping me", my son eventually got her on the phone and told her he was panicking to which she said" good for you" and hung up, we went to the house and were prepared to call the police if she did not let him come out, luckily she did and we took him home.

He has talked to a lawyer on his own and a letter was sent to his mother but so far we have had no response to this letter, my grandson wants to be able to visit so he can see his sisters, we get his full sister on a Wednesday, but the other is a baby to another man, so the only way he can see her is if he goes to the mothers house!
she has now sent a lawyers letter stating that my granddaughter no longer wants to visit weekly as she prefers to play out with her friends, when asked her, my granddaughter said she was told by her mum that she would no longer be visiting her dad on a Wednesday but would be visiting on a Friday and she is ok with that but she is not happy about not coming at all, it is so cruel, but as always the mother can say what she wants and makes out it is in the best interest of the child, but no one talks to the child to to find out what the child wants.
so it looks like he either goes to his mum so he can see his sisters or just see one sister 1 night a fortnight.

I am really not sure what to do, do we keep trying to let my grandson make the decision as to visit his mum or do we step in and advice him not to visit her for a while so that he does not keep getting hurt by her, would we be hurting him more??????

I think the priority is what your grandson wants, and he obviously doesn't feel safe with the current arrangements. I would say that your son needs to sit down with him and work out what your grandson wants - try to get past the fact that he will slant what he wants to what he thinks his dad wants, and to see how contact could continue but in an environment where he feels safe - so perhaps going to public places, eg parks, shopping centres etc with your son somewhere close by, but able to step in quickly if necessary.

It also may be worth having some sort of signal that he can use to say that he doesn't feel safe, without actually saying the words (my wife and step daughter had one where if my stepdaughter felt unsafe, she'd ring my wife and say she'd forgotten her asthma inhaler - she wasn't asthmatic - and could my wife take it round). Also if you are worried about where he is, if he has a smartphone, you may be able to switch on tracking of some sort (my daughter has an android phone - if I send her a text that contains the word "where" anywhere in it, it sends me a text back giving me her position without a sent message appearing on her phone - she knows I have this ability, and it means she feels safer) - it depends on how far you want to go.

thank you for your reply, my grandson has talked to a lawyer on his own so that he could say what he wanted with out my son being there, a letter was sent to his mother where he suggested meeting in the town, in the local park ect she has not responded to the letter, we know she will say she never received it as she always says this. my grandson also talked to his mother at school with teacher present and told her face to face, again she did not respond, my grandson is able to talk about what he wants but it is so so horrible to see him being let down, so far since he ran away from his mother to live with his dad he has seen his mum maybe 5 times and only once was she "nice" to him (with the teacher present). we do know that she will not allow him to have a phone with him if he goes to her house she will look and remove it,s he told him she would. we will keep trying to help him and support him, he already knows that he can go back to live with his mum if that is what he wants to do, we just want him to be happy, he replies with "I am happy here and I am not hungry any more, if I go home mum might be happy but I wont be!"

Good response from your grandson. Don't push him any more than he is comfortable with. Also, any letters that you send, always send them recorded post - that way there is proof of postage and if she refuses to sign, then proof of that also.

well took my grandson to his GP and found out that mum had been to the GP in January this year and for the 6th time requested that he was referred to a psychologist due to his outrageous behaviors, the GP asked my grandson why he had refused to go to the appointment that was set up for him local mental health hospital, my poor grandson was shocked and started to cry!!! he did not know anything about it, he told the GP that his mum must think he is a psycho and he told her that he was not but his mum was!
my son has asked the GP to refer him again as he wants to put an end to the mother going around telling every one that her son is mentally ill, once and for all, we know he is a normal little boy, there is no way a child with ADHD AUTISM etc can switch how they behave ON/OFF depending on where they are, so if he does have any of the conditions his mum says he has why does no one else have the same problems as she says she has? we dont, the school dont, we dont know of any one who has witnessed him behaving badly EVER.
We know that the mental health team will work this out and are hoping that they will be able to do something to help him come to terms with the way he has been treated by his mum, so far the only people EVER to talk to my grandson has been the school and they have not listened. the GP told my grandson that she would refer him again and that his mum would be there as well, he said he did not want her there that he wanted his dad and myself, so we will be there to support him, we did tell him that at some point she would be invited to take part but only when he was ready and he is ok with that, so now we are waiting for an appointment, I hope it doesnt take too long as I feel he really will benefit from talking to a child psychologist, he is so confused, scared and angry with every thing that has happened.

I agree - I think a child psychologist might help him to deal with his mum.

we took my grandson to the child and adolescence mental health team, who were really good, they explained that they have seen him several times in the past, he had had an extensive psych assessment and was found to be totally normal they had however offered "mum" help which she refused, they asked him what was the worse thing that worried him, his answer was " being sent back to his mum" he was advised not to have unsupervised contact with his mum, BUT they did feel that they would still not be able to offer him any help at the moment as both my son and myself are doing a great job at giving him all the support that he needs now, so we felt much better knowing that my grandson is doing well considering everything everything he has been through.
he still has had no contact with his sister as his mum says that we are stopping him from going home and is now saying that his sister wants nothing to do with him or her dad, the sad thing is that it is going to cost a fortune to take it to court and it will take time so we just keep plodding on, really feel that the law needs to be changed maybe if the mother was found to be unreasonable then they have to pay court cost!!!!!

Hi there

Great news, he really has been through the mill, he must be a very resilient young man. You and your son should be proud of him, but also of yourselves for making him feel safe and secure.

Here's a link to National Youth Advisory Service, they have a helpline and may be abl to assist your grandson to pursue contact with his sister.

https://www.nyas.net/

thank you for your reply, never heard of NYAS will look into that for him, I think he is so scared of his mum refusing to let him talk to his wee sister as he is finding it hard to cope with, he is worried about her xx

...it's hardly surprising, he knows what his mother is capable of, it's such a burden for a young boy. I do hope that NYAS will be able to offer some support and advice to help him move forward.

well been a while since I posted on here, but sad to say not much movement, my grandson has seen his mum and sister once as his mum said his sister was very upset at not seeing her brother but she did not want any contact with her dad, funny how she contacts social services and they contact my son right away, they sent some one to see my grandson at school, he told them what his mum was like and how it made him feel, they then talked to his mum and she said she wanted the children to have contact my son had already arranged with mum and lawyers to meet at the bowling so the children could spend time together, she did go but ignored her son totally only once did she have eye contact with him as he tried to talk to her, in the end he stopped trying to talk to her and spent the rest of the evening enjoying fun time with dad and sister (funny my granddaughter would not leave my sons side and cried when it was time to go home) since then she has only text my grandson once but when he asked if he could phone and talk to his sister text messages stopped that was just after Christmas Day, he did try phoning her mobile and land line but gets no answer, its so sad my son is coping the best he can but it is hard he has a big lawyer bill to pay before he can take steps to go to court to try to sort this mess out, we have to concentrate on my grandson for now, he is coping well but has asked that he goes back to child and adult mental health services as he is feels he need to talk to some one now, he is also struggling with a stammer that is getting worse and it gets him so mad and frustrated so I took him back to the GP who has made referrals to speech therapy. The GP feels that it is the stress he is under with the way he is treated by his mum and knowing that the only way he can see his sister is if he goes to his mums house he is not willing to do that, the stress on all of us is horrendous! going from weekly contact to no contact what so ever, not allowed to phone, text or write, for over 7 months, it will be her birthday soon my grandson and my son have text and tried to phone but mum does not reply, so sad xx

How I feel for your son and grandson,I'm reassured that you are all working so hard to make things better for him, it's good that they have you supporting them Karen.

As contact is so contentious at the moment it might help your grandson to start a keepsake/memories box for his little sister which you and his dad could help with and contribute to. It might help him feel a little more connected to her and she too will appreciate going through it with him when that opportunity arises.

You could put birthday cards, photos and little gifts in the box and anything else that your grandson wishes to put into it. It's something that really helps Dads that are estranged from their kids and I think it would help your grandson too...and what a lovely surprise for his sister, she will know that he has never stopped loving her and thinking about her.

Best of luck with everything.

thank you, we have already started doing this, all her Christmas presents are in it and he even put his latest school photo in, we have suggested that he writes to her and puts them in it too as he was so upset that his mum had went mad when he bought his sister a present and put it in an envelope with a note last summer so he cant write and post directly to her, I dont know if he has written any thing as I dont want him to feel i am being nosy or that he has to write but he does know that he can add what ever he wants to to the box, on the plus side my son has managed to pay his last lawyer bill so he has made an appointment to see the lawyer tomorrow this time my son is insisting that court proceeding MUST start if the lawyer tries to delay again then he will find a new Lawyer!!!