[Solved] Advice needed please.....

Hi Simon,

How awful for you to return home from work to find that your life had been changed beyond recognition... I can only imagine how distressed you must be feeling.

My advice to you would be to act quickly to try and secure some contact with your son. The fact that she has moved so far away presents problems in doing this....generally the first step would be to attend mediation and this would normally be close to where the mother lives. This is going to be difficult for you to achieve.

I think you should try writing to her and explain that as she has moved so far away without any warning, and is now refusing contact with your child that she had previously agreed to, you really have very few options open to you other than to apply to the court for a Contact Order. Tell her that you really don't want to take this action and ask her again to reach an agreement with you so that you can have contact with your son. Remind her that it is his right to have your continued presence in his life and that it is considered important for a childs well being to have both parents involved in their life. Whatever happens between the parents should never be visited on the children.

Her hostility and being cold and distant is most likely because she feels guilty and underneath she knows this was not the right way to go about it....she will now be looking for reasons to self justify.

Her depression is a concern to you I'm sure, if she is still on medication then you would be right to worry, even though she has the support of her father. You could telephone the police and tell them how she left and that because of her depression you would like them to call and check that your son is ok. This course of action would probably agitate the situation.

I would try the letter but if that doesn't work then the next step would be mediation and then court. There is no longer legal aid for family law cases but you may be eligible for legal aid to cover mediation costs, you can check eligibility here www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid There are some stickys at the top of this section, two about representing yourself in court and one about the C100 form which is the form you would need to apply for a Contact Order.

As far as maintenance is concerned, if you google the CSA calculator and input your details you will be given an amount you should expect to pay. As you will have travelling expenses this will be offset against the amount you would pay. there is a sticky at the top of the Child Maintenance section "How does the CSA calculate payments" this explains things in a little more depth.

Oh dear that is a terrible thing to do, it does not give you the opportunity to put things right.

I think NJ is right, you should write to her first. As you are on the Birth Certificate you do have PR and you could make an application for contact. But as already suggested, do act quickly, it is not going to happen overnight unfortunately.

Keep copies of all texts emails, letters etc. One can only hope that it is her PND that is at the root of this, but you do need to protect your on interests.

The postnatal route is worth exploring. Though it is rather unlikely given the pre-meditated (ness)/ planning of this.

I think court sounds like the most appropriate place forward because she planned it all and is probably more with it than you suspect.

Of course give mediation a bash and see if you can fix some contact as this is a immediate fixed contact. The rest you can work with the courts.

BW

Hi,

Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated. I definitely think a letter to her is the way forward to begin with - as she has no intention of coming back.

I spoke to my ex last tuesday evening - she text me after I finished work and she asked me to call her. The upshot of the call was that in her eyes the relationship was over and that she would not stop me from seeing my son and would be flexible to help me keep an ongoing relationship with him. I mentioned that it was much better for us to have a mutual agreement between us rather than have to go through courts e.t.c as that was the last thing I want. At which point she hung up on me and switched her phone off.

Wednesday Morning I had a text from her, again accusing me of ruining her life, and threatening her with taking our son away from her. I did nothing of the sort of course, I simply wanted to make it clear to her that I don't want to be messed around, and that we need to make an arrangement that benefits our son.

I called her at that point, and she picked up and spoke to me. We managed to clear up that misunderstanding and I was amazed that she agreed to let our son come and stay with me mid september when I have a week off work. All I needed to do was book train tickets to pick him up and drop him off home, back up in Stockton. Im in Essex. At that point I was very happy at that initial arrangement.

All that though was blown out of the water a couple of hours later, as I got a text from her, this time saying that I have tried to manipulate her, that I want everything on my terms, and that because of that she i cancelling the arrangement for me to have our son that week.

Her phone again was immediately switched off, and has been ever since. I sent a couple of texts during the week asking her to call me or contact me. I tried to phone, but phone is off. I even sent her father a polite text, asking him to get his daughter to contact me. I have had no reply from either. It seems they are both just ignoring me and have no intention to cooperate with me, despite initially telling me otherwise.

I feel the time is right to send a letter. But i'm unsure what I should say? Can anyone help me please?

Thanks.

Hi Simon,

Dear xxxxxx

I was really hoping I could have avoided writing this letter but it seems that there's no other way of communicating with you.

Whatever is happening to us and our relationship (child's name) shouldn't be bought into it, he is entitled to have my continued involvement in his life. By withholding contact you are ultimately punishing xxxxxx and behaving in a way that is detrimental to his well being. I was a constant in his life and we had a strong bond, he must be feeling the loss of not seeing me, and it will no doubt be effecting him.

The purpose of this letter is to ask you to reconsider and allow the planned week in September to go ahead as first agreed. Regardless of the situation between us we would not be doing right by xxxxxi if we didn't put a schedule of contact in place. It's important that we can at least communicate in a civil manner about this issue and anything else that involves our son.

I suggest that ( here you should talk about the schedule of contact you would like to set up) I would like your agreement on this but if there's any changes you would like to make then please let me know so we can work it out together and come up with an agreement that is suitable for both of us.

I would have suggested we attend Mediation to try and reach agreement but as you have moved so far away this is not an option. If we cannot keep a line of communication open and reach an agreement about having regular contact with xxxxx, you will leave me with no alternative but to apply to the court for a contact order. I really do not want to take this course of action and it would be far better for all of us if we could work it out between ourselves. I do not want you to feel that I am threatening you, it's just that xxxxx is so important to me and me to him that I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be a father to him, to watch him grow and flourish with both of us involved in his life. This is what is in his best interests.

I would really appreciate it if you could give me a call, text or email so that we can move forward on this. If I haven't heard back from you within a week or so then I will take it that you are not prepared to negotiate any contact. If this is the case I will then submit my application for contact through the courts.

You can add and take out and generally play about with it, but try to keep it non threatening....obviously if you want to make comment about what is going on between the two of you aside from your son then that's your call...I hope this helps.

I like NJs letter.

It does seem that she is having either serious mental health issues (i.e. the post natal), or is being egged on by someone and I think that everything you do should be put in writing, as obviously any discussion between you goes completely astray overnight!!

It would be helpful if you can get some record of your conversations with her and her erratic behaviour...with phone conversations the best you can do is to keep a log and as soon as you can after the call write what was said down for future reference.

Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated. I was all set to tweak the letter template NJ suggested for me, when last night I received a text from my ex’s father telling me to look on Facebook, (which I rarely use) because she had sent me a private message on there. I don’t know why she couldn’t text me or call to me to say what she wanted to say, but there it is.

Basically she told me that the only way I was going to be able to see my son was to Travel up to Stockton (from Essex) and stay overnight in a Travelodge. All at my expense of course. When I then asked her why she insisted on such a one sided agreement, she then accused of me of being physically abusive towards my son, and emotionally abusive towards her. Therefore she won’t let my son out of her sight.

Categorically I have not abused either of them in any way shape of form. I just don’t understand why she would level these accusations against me. I’m starting to feel ill as the situation has gotten a whole lot worse.

I feel like she and her family are now treating me like a criminal – when in reality I have done nothing wrong. I have heard of ex partners getting vindictive following a breakup, but where do I go from here?

Hi Simon,

Does her family know that she suffered from PND and that she had been on anti depressants? This may have a bearing on her behaviour and the accusations she is making.

I think if possible you should try and speak to her father, as he sent you a txt you could try texting him and talk about your concerns..... be concerned rather than angry and try to appeal to him as a father.

It might help to contact the Health Visitor and GP and discuss what is happening with them, it will be good for you to speak to someone about it and they may be able to give you some advice.

Think about agreeing to the trip up to see your son on her terms, at least you will get to see him and if you,show willing she may soften.

It looks like you are in for a bumpy ride though Simon, if you decide that her demands for contact are unacceptable then you can adjust and send the letter anyway, to let her know that you are prepared to do whatever it takes. Add something about your worries....

.... I don't understand why you sent me a message through Facebook when you could just as easily have sent me a text or email, you know I very rarely use this medium and would not have seen it had I not received a text from your father telling me about it.

I don't want to upset you but I am concerned for you and xxxxxx. PND is a serious condition and I know how much you were affected by it after our son was born. The manner of your leaving in secret and the way you are behaving towards me, and now these hurtful allegations are all so out of character and I am at a loss to understand why.

Something along these lines, in the circumstances you are justified in feeling worried about what is happening....if you speak to the GP you can ask if these are symptoms of PND, if they are it might help you to understand what's going on here.

I hate to say this, but it looks as though she could be angling towards DV to get legal aid.

Quick update…..

I sent my ex a letter by recorded delivery, asking for her to consider my proposals for contact with my son, or alternatively to attend mediation if she feels that will be a benefit. I know she has received it, as it was signed for Saturday just gone. She has not mentioned it to me though.

Currently she will only speak to me via facebook private message, and had told me that if I wish to see my son, I should arrange it via her father. I have done that, and arranged to visit my son, at the father’s house on Saturday week, so just over 10 days away. Which is nice, as it’s now 4 weeks since I last saw my little boy. But the concerning aspect of this is that they seem to think that future visits will be sporadic and will fit me in as and when they feel like it….something of course that I’m unhappy with.

The strange thing is, she is refusing to be present on the Saturday, which makes me wonder when she leaves her father’s and gets her own place, will she still refuse to see me or let me visit them both. Or insist that again it is all done via her father, as and when he is free, and it is convenient for him. I can’t see that being sustainable at all. So as you can see I’m really up against it in terms of them playing hardball with me.

Also, as I previously mentioned, as soon as I mentioned to my ex child maintenance and contact arrangements, she immediately began to sling accusations at me concerning emotionally abusing her, and even went as far as to suggest I had physically harmed my son. All of this is utter nonsense, and categorically untrue, yet I find myself scared at the prospect of the power she seems to wield over me.

The moment I take this matter to court to try to obtain suitable contact with me son, my ex will counter my proposals with her evil and vindictive lies, simply to cast doubt on my role as a father and to get her own way – which is to have contact on her own terms, all of the time. Or perhaps even to stop me seeing him entirely. I really don’t understand her motivations.

Nevertheless, I refuse to be bullied or frightened away from having meaningful contact with my son, and will make the court application, even though my character and integrity will no doubt be questioned and dragged through the mud during the court process. How do I approach this, and how do I defend myself against these false allegations? Of course I could get a solicitor, but financially I really can’t afford the legal bills, so had already decided to represent myself.

Anyone else here been confronted by something like this and prevailed?

Also, I’m quite apprehensive about going up to the north east to make the visit, as I wonder if she has been spouting these nasty and vicious allegations to family members and friends. If so, I dread to think of the reception I will receive. It’s almost as if I’m beginning to feel alienated and unwelcome to even go and see my son. Not a good feeling at all.

It would be helpful if you can get some record of your conversations with her and her erratic behaviour...with phone conversations the best you can do is to keep a log and as soon as you can after the call write what was said down for future reference.

I do this all the time when my ex calls me and abuses me over the phone. I am expecting a call from her soon after yesterdays court appearance.

I havent changed my number and my phone is always on, this shows that it was her who cut communication with us, not the other way round.

Quick question: In my letter to my ex, I specifically asked her if she would agree to attend a mediation session to help come to a contact arrangement. If she ignores my letter, which she seems to be doing thus far, (clearly indicating she refuses to accept my proposals), or writes back declining the mediation....is that enough in itself to satisfy the courts that I tried to attempt mediation before applying for a contact order? Or do I actually need to contact the mediator and provide my ex's details?

Bearing in mind too, any mediation would need to be held up north, 250 miles or so away from where I live.

Cheers.

Heya Simon,

Ideally you need the mediator to sign a FM1 form to proceed to court. So propose a date, ask the mediator to contact her to confirm her attendance or a separate date she may be willing to come. Once this is set then she will either turn up or not turn up. If she doesnt you can get the form signed. Even if she turns up you can still get the form signed 🙂

The mediator can chase her up....I realise the distance issue

BW

I understand the logistics, the distance to travel for an hour or two session. If you have written to her and have a copy of the letter and proof of posting then I think that would be acceptable in the circumstances.

On the PND issue, can you see in retrospect anything that was there earlier in the relationship that might indicate any mental health issues? As people in relationships we tend to overlook things that outsiders would see as being really wrong. I ignored my now ex partner hiding bottles of vodka around the house on a regular basis- she must have told me she was giving up the binge drinking half a dozen times- and other equally messed up things, and its only now, a year after splitting that I realise how blind I was.

As a Dad who has my children tucked up in bed upstairs after having them for two nights after almost a month of being denied access (the longest I have ever gone without seeing them before is about a week after my hospitalisation) I can assure you that whilst the wait is awful, something amazing happens when you do see your children again- it's as if you have never been apart.

In regards to her PND and mental health - certainly there are issues she has had in the past with men that could definitely now be contributing to her irrational fears that I was going to harm her. From what she had told me in the early stages of our relationship, she was sexually assaulted(raped)by someone she knew whilst drunk at age 17. We met when she was 23. The thing is, she never reported it to the police, family members are unaware of what happened, and she has never received counselling for it.

Also she often would break down in tears after a few drinks and tell me how her father used to hit her and her sisters when they were younger. Her terminology was, he would "brain" us. So sure, there are definitely serious emotional issues surrounding violence and abuse that she has never resolved fully that may now be resurfacing, especially with the depression and the prozac.

Her allegations against me are totally unfounded - and what she is saying is very erratic and incohernet. In one breath I'm a monster, and in the next (I have text messages from her stating it) "it was only a matter of time before I hit her." Then she takes it to the extreme that she was afraid I was going to kill her. I know I will have to defend myself against these accusations, and I am fully prepared to do so, as I have nothing to hide. I jsut feel my ex has become another person overnight....it's so saddening and upsetting for me.

On a brighter note, I managed to agree with her father, as my ex still refuses to speak to me directly, to see my son on Saturday just gone. So with the help of my parents, we drove from South east england to the north east of england (10 hour round trip) and spent the afternoon at the fathers house. My ex was not present. So anyway, after 5 long weeks without seeing my little boy, I finally got to hold him again and see him laugh and smile. Of course, returning home was not so nice, as I don't know when I will see my son again.

In a previous post, I mentioned I had sent a letter to my ex. That was 16 days ago, and I have proof she received it (a signature is confirmed on the royal mail website). She also told me on a facebook private message she had received it, and had promised me a reply by end of last week at the latest. I still have no reply to my letter, in which I offered her a reasonable contact arrangment, or to attend mediation.

Saturday night, I messaged her via facebook private message (as thats the only way she wants me to contact her - she has got a new phone which I dont have the number for) to tell her I had a lovely day with our son, and that if her letter came in the week, would she be open to discuss things over the phone to perhaps reach a compromise. She ignored that message. I then on sunday asked her if she had sent me letter. Again the message was ignored. So I fear that she has not sent me a letter in reply, and has no intention of doing so.

Is now the time to just go ahead and send off the C100 for contact? I've been extremely patient, cool, calm and collected for the last 5 weeks, but I feel I am just getting stonewalled, and if I wait and wait, she will continue to ignore me.

One problem I have though, is I have no contact number for her to provide to the court, except her fathers phone number. Also the father stated she is looking at moving out of his place into a place of her own. Of course she won't give me the address for that, so things are going to get more difficult as time goes by I suspect. Any advice on my next step?

Anyway, I will update this thread as time goes by.

Quick question. I am going to send my c100 form to the court today, and intend on representing myself. I have ticked the relevant option on the form.

If I change my mind after sending off the forms and choose to appoint a solicitor to represent me, can I do that before the hearing date and just provide the court with the solicitors details?

Thanks.

Pretty sure you can. If you do chose to have a solicitor, they will know how to go about it anyway, but to be honest, I'd at least go to the first hearing yourself and then decide. If you don't have a solicitor, we can ask the CCLC for legal advice.

So, the next update in the process.....

I sent my c100 form to the court last week and received a letter back from them two days later confirming a directions hearing date for middle of november.

I also have sent off the c100 copy to my ex, so she should have that soon.

One thing I was wondering, and maybe someone knows the answer....I felt the section on the form where you ask the court what you want them to do and why, is too short to give anything other than the most brief of answers. Now, I have read about people preparing position statements for the hearing to outline your reasons for going to court and what you want them to do. Would it be worth my while preparing one of these to take with me, or perhaps send to the court and my ex before the hearing? As I feel I need to explain in slightly more detail about what has happened that has led me to take the court route.

Does anyone have links to an example statement? I have searched online but can't find anything like that, except for blank templates. It's only really to see how someone has gone about wording and structuring the statement before I write my own.

I will keep the updates coming. Thanks.

It's better to keep it fairly brief on the C100 form, although you could of added further information on a separate sheet of paper.

There is an example of a position statement in the sticky at the top of this section called " how to Represent yourself in court" by Yoji .

Here's a link to a template position statement

www.thecustodyminefield.com/Factsheets/TCMStatementTemplate.doc

I personally would prepare it but wouldn't file it until asked to do so by the judge.

I think through this whole experience I am finding out the type of person my ex really is.

On Monday she received the court papers I had served her - I know this because I sent them special delivery and have the signature as proof. Her point blank refusal to reply to my letter from 6 weeks ago - even though she told me three or four times since that she would reply to it, and that her "solicitor" was doing it , I had her "word" e.t.c e.t.c. - has left me no choice but to go to court to try to gain contact with my son.

On returning home from work yesterday I found that I had been sent a letter from the CSA. My ex had applied to the CSA for child maintenance. Now I have no issue with paying maintenance, he is my son, I will provide what I can for him. What I find shocking, and totally vindictive about it, is that it seems 100% retaliatory....you know, like, he has gone to court, now I'm going to the csa to strike a blow back.

Previously we had half arranged maintenance payments between us, and she even said that she would rather keep it between us rather than go to the CSA. How quickly things change?

I waited six weeks for a reply to a letter I sent her, and in that time she did not engage in a discussion with me once to sort out contact with my son once. She fobbed me off continually. Yet she is oh so quick to run to the CSA, even though like I said, she had told me via text before she changed her phone number hat she wanted to keep maintenance between the two of us.

I feel like I'm dealing with someone who is continually moving the goalposts, and whilst I'm trying to play fair and just do what is needed so that I can be a dad to my little boy, my ex is pulling every dirty trick there is.

Have to stay strong and focused!

Evening all,

Things seem to be going from bad to worse. Although I had a suspicion they would.

Since I served my ex the C100 papers on 14.10.13, she promptly filed a CSA claim against me the following day - despite insisting she wanted to keep maintenance as a family based arrangement.

I had a visit planned with the father to see my son at his home on 3.11.13. I received a text today from the father telling me the visit is off and I can't see my son as agreed. I knew things would turn nastier once I put the C100 in, but it's not like I was making any progress just sitting there doing nothing. Maybe things will get worse before they get better.

So anyway, earlier in the week I had been working on a position statement for the directions hearing, mostly to get all the important facts down on paper so that I could rely on it court to help me get my point across. Using one of the templates on this site, I have pretty much got down a brief history of what has happened in terms trying to establish contact, my concerns, and what I would like the court to do.

Because things have escalated since I sent my C100 and the position has changed considerably, I feel I should send my statement to the court so that the judge will know exactly what has been happening from start to finish.

Would anyone be able to assist me and perhaps read it over for me and let me know if t is suitable before I send it off? I don't want to make things worse for myself, but I feel I should really give the court a clearer picture of my situation other than what is on the C100, which is just a very very very brief summary.

Cheers in advance.