[Solved] Advice please

Hi Neil,

Welcome to the site,

Having the children with you seems to have worked well in the past, and seems to have been happening for 4-6 months so I would imagine that with your ex's work comitments a judge would look favourably at them staying with you and granting a residency order, there is no hard and fast rule though, It may be worth apply for the order so you know where you stand, your ex wont be able to just change things when it suits her, as your children are still young it's not normal for the judge to look for their views on where they would want to live, though they may do (just depends on the judge)

Darren

Hi Darren,

Thanks for the prompt reply.

If I apply for residency for my kids and fail what happens? Does it revert back to how it is or will she (the ex) be awarded residency?
Where do I stand if I refuse to change the arrangement as it stands at the moment?

Neil

Hi there,

if you apply for residency, then it will be decided at the hearing where the children reside, this could be with you or with the ex or even split.

which ever happens they would (as far as I know) work out what conatact arrangements would be put in place, so you would be able to ask for the alternate weeks or every other weekend which ever wuited and made better sense for the sake of the children.

Darren

Which is rather worrying as I could end up having far less contact than i do now.
I don't want to run the risk of ending up seeing every other weekend when they spend so much time with me now.
If the decision is at the whim and fancy of a judge it's not very confidence inspiring even with all the records I've kept.

Do I have as much right as her to demand a change of routine without there being a court order in place? or does it favour the mother? And equally if a routine has been established do I stand my ground?

Hi There,

Sorry it sounded a little negative, it isn't really, cafcas and the judge will make a rulling that is in the interest of the children if they feel as you do that they are better with you as you are able to take them too and from school and care for them before and after then they will rule in favour of that. That said they may not agree, I only say that as this is possible as i'm sure you know and not that I feel they would.

It sounds as though you have been the primary carer for your children so far and this will go in your favour as you will have gotten them into a routine, the judge and cafcas will lokk at this and consider it when they decide where they should live, the fact that you still live in the family home will also go in your favour as it's a familiar place for them as it's where they have been all their lives.

As things stand there is no formal contact order or arrangement in place so you have as much rights to ask for change (or deny her the change) as she does.

Things have generally been favoured towards the mothers in the past, but i'm led to believe that isn't the case as much anymore, there are a few members on here who are the resident father (actd is one and i'm sure he will coment later)

Hope this helps

Darren

Darren,

Many thanks for your comments. If I had to go down the legal route is there a firm/person with a good track record/reputation with such things?

Regards Neil

Hi Niel,

That would depend on the area you live, but what I would say is don't use legal representation, you can represent yourself with very little knowledge of the legal system, I did this when I went through the family courts for a contact order for my son.

It not only saves you a lot of money but also allows you to speak freely to the judge in the court room and your emotions will show through when you talk which would be lost if talking through solicitors.

I went alone and managed to get a much better result than I thought I would, and my ex started off with a solicitor (she got rid when he didn't manage to get what she wanted)

If you look at the top of the legal section there is a guide to applying for a contact order and representing yourself through court, though this isn't the case for you as your looking at residency it would give you an idea of what to expect.

One thing I would say though is have you considered mediation with your ex so you can sit and talk things through with a 3rd (impartial) person present? if you managed to agree through mediation it may save a lot of time and energy going through court and you are able to have the agreement written into a legal order.

Darren

Point noted, I will have a read through.
As for mediation, I've tried to get her to got to mediation right from the breakdown of relationship stage. She's declined or done nothing apart from throw threats and make demands and my patience is growing thin and my stress levels are extremely high, something I don't show her or the kids I hasten to add!

It's been very useful talking with you today Darren. Thanks.

No Problem,

Anything else you need just ask, with regards to going through court alone, we are here on the site to offer moral support and share our experience, but further than that if you require legal advice on child law, then we have the corams legal services linked with the site and we are able to ask them to comment on any questions you may have, the only restrictions on this are you don't have your own solicitor appointed or live in Scotland.

Good Lucka and keep us posted.

Darren

Hi Neil and welcome

I'll add to Darrens replies as I am the resident father so have been through this to some extent (though I took my children away from their mother, so was in a worse position than you to some extent). There is no guarantee of what the courts will rule - it is possible that they could indeed rule that residence goes to your ex, as you fear. However, a court's primary duty is to look after the welfare of the children, and a big consideration is how settled they are at the moment and what would be the benefit to them, if any, of moving them form where they currently reside, and from what you have said, I really cannot see any benefit at all to moving them to live with their mother - cafcass would almost certainly become involved, so as long as you satisfied that you were encouraging and enabling contact with their mother, I don't see that they would have a problem.

On the other hand, if you don't apply for residency, you do run the risk that you ex could keep the children and apply for residence herself - if the process is slow and they stay with her through the process, then she would be in the position that you are now, and that could mean that she could win.

Ultimately, there is no definite answer, and you are weighing up the risks of applying and losing, with any action that your ex may take and therefore take away your choices, whereas at the moment, I think you have the greatest chance of gaining residence and getting the stability for your children.

I'm confused what to do for the best.

When you say keep the children, in what context. Try and stop me from collecting them from school and have access etc?

The kids are registered to their school from this (their home) address as the house she currently rents is not in the catchment area. It was me who had to challenge the LEA to get my daughter into the same school as my son as she hadn't registered her and not informed me that she hadn't until the application date.

She's had numerous opportunities to sort out proper child care for when it was her agreed time and has failed to do so. Do all of these factors also get taken into account along with her behaviour when the judge makes a decision. Also that my children have repeatedly stated they don't like the new man, not just to me but others with no prompting. In my mind this affects the childrens welfare, but is this considered by a judge?

I've kept a full diary of daily events since the split and kept all text messages. I've even got a recent one from her stating that my son is becoming more challenging and demanding and all he wants to do is come back to me. I've also got other texts from my ex stating my daughter is unruly and her idea of controlling her is to threaten her with a call to me (says it all really) to which my daughter (of 4) apparently replies daddy will come and get me.

I genuinely don't want to make this a legal fight but I'm sick off her changing the goalposts to suit her and not considering the children. Why does it appear that in these days of 'equality' men still seem to get treated like 2nd class citizens when it come to children?!?

Ideally I need to speak with someone and get all the facts on the table to ascertain what my chances of winning are before I commit. I have spoken to a couple of family lawyers but I'm very weary of what they've told me because of the money they make on the deal.

Any further guidance greatly appreciated.

Hi There,

I think what actd is saying is that where you stand at the moment is that the children live where you decide between the 2 of you, the fact that they are settled with you means that in the eyes of a judge or cafcas this is likely to be where they stay, however if your childrens mother decides that she will have them live with her then you would have a struggle to stop her, as at the moment they live where ever they are taken.

I know you feel you may not want to take the legal route but it seems that this may be the best as you will know where you stand and more importantly so will your children, if and when you apply for residency the judge will inically make an interim order stating where the children should live while the case continues, it is likely that they will order that the children stay where they are at the moment as long as they are settled.

The fact you have a diary of all events is good, it will show the number of nights your children have spent with you compaired to with your ex, and the text will help too.

As you say the legal bodies will be able to wiegh up your odds but we have found in the past that they will go either way, if they are good and honest they will highlight all the pit falls (as we have tried to here) and if they aren't they will assure you they can win, I know this doesn't help much.

It is our oppinion (that of mine and actd) that you are in a very strong possition to be able to achieve and maintain residency.

Out of interest where do you live?

Darren

Not in any way disagreeing with the above, which is fantastic advice, but you can speak to the Coram Chidren's Legal Centre - 08088 020008 or via their website at www.childrenslegalcentre.com, for free and in confidence. They will be able to listen to the facts and, in my experience, offer invaluable advice.

Thanks I will drop them a line tomorrow.

Hi There,

I think what actd is saying is that where you stand at the moment is that the children live where you decide between the 2 of you, the fact that they are settled with you means that in the eyes of a judge or cafcas this is likely to be where they stay, however if your childrens mother decides that she will have them live with her then you would have a struggle to stop her, as at the moment they live where ever they are taken.

Yep, that's what I was saying - or trying to at least 🙂