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Hey People 🙂
I have recently become a dad to a beautiful girl called Lilly but I am having a few issues with the mother.
Myself and the babies mother are no longer in a relationship and we wasn't together during the pregnancy either. Throughout the pregnancy it was agreed that the child would poses my surname. It was also agreed that I would be at the birth and at all the scans. Lastly it dictated to me that I could not have the child on my own for the first couple of weeks. Towards the later stage of pregnancy I was told that the child will no longer have my surname and that I could only be present in the room when the baby was actually due to arrive. I wasn't happy with it but there wasn't a lot I could do.
In the last few weeks of pregnancy our relationship worsened. We wasn't speaking at all. However I did receive a phone call from her that she was in a 'slow labor'. The slow labor went on for a few days and I was expecting a call to say she was up the hospital and that I needed to come. However the next phone call I received was to inform me that the child had been born. I was really upset that I didn't get to see my child arrive. I also didn't feel like I was a dad. I have had no time to bond with the child at all and when I held her I didn't really feel anything like what I was expecting to feel.
Again I just got on with it. I spoke to the babies mum and went down to her house a few times within the week to see our child. Everything was ok. We had a conversation about our child over the phone and I said how I didn't feel like I was bonding with the child. I told her that I didn't feel anything when I held her. She reacted badly and told me if i'm not bonding with our child I never will. She then went and registered the birth without me being there. Leaving the fathers name blank.
When she informed me of this I also acted badly. I told her I never want to see either of them again as I have no legal rights over my child. She informed me that she would not stop me seeing our child but I refused. I was not aware at this time that i could go to the courts and apply for parental responsibility. Lilly is now 2 weeks old and I don't want to be involved until I have legal rights. The babies mother is too unreasonable and she had informed my mother that I cannot see the baby on my own until she was 6 months old. I am applying for parental responsibility and when I get that I will try to arrange regular contact with the mother. If this fails then I will apply for a contact order.
Am I doing the right thing not being involved until I have my rights? i don't want to build a relationship with our child if at some point in the future the babies mother can turn round and say you are not seeing your child any more. Or name a new boy friend on the birth certificate.
Thanks 🙂
Hi
How very upsetting for you and Im not surprised you didnt feel that you bonded with your Daughter with all the upset around you. Have you applied for the PR yet as you can apply for contact at the same time and it doesnt cost any more it will be £200 for both if you apply seperatly it will be £200 each , you need to fill in the c100 for contact. I would start seeing your Daughter when she offers as it can take a few months to sort this out and you dont want to miss out on her first smile between 5 and 7 weeks then your heart will melt. Little girls love there Daddys, The court will proberbly award supervised contact with the mother around to start with leading up to unsupervised but this will be over time. The court will push you to try mediation as in April there will no longer be legal aid so unless you are loaded you will be representing your self as will your ex. Mediation could be your best route look up, you do have to pay for this service
www.nfm.org.uk
In mediation you could set up a time scale to see your Daughter and one that builds up to unsupervised. you can also with the mothers consent gain a PR with out going to court then you can go on your Daughters birth certificate. Are you paying for your child yet as even tho you are not on the birth certificate in the eyes of the law you have to pay. You can go on the csa website and you can work out how much you have to pay then offer to pay by direct debit clearly stating what its for on your bank details. If she goes to csa you will be forced into paying from the date she makes the claim, Csa are being scrapped in 2014 so its in all your best interests to do a private agreement. She cant name another new boyfriend as the father not without proof he is the father. See your daughter your love will grow ...
Thanks. That was excellent advice.
I will apply for both at the same time then. If she offers for me to see my daughter then I will accept. I have paid £200 whilst she was pregnant to pay towards the pram. I did this with online banking so I have proof of this. The other day I accidentally transferred £3.51 into her account. This gave me an idea on how I can still support my child weather she accepts payment or not. Or does she have to agree to be paid the money first?
Thanks Again 🙂
If you have her bank details I would look on csa see how much you have to legally pay work out how much you can afford above the csa and start paying. Then email and text informing her you are paying x amount per month or week , she will need every penny she can get its expensive having a child. I would also ask if you can see Lilly a couple of times a week for a couple of hours in her house as even the court wont let you take her away from mum this young, you can learn to feed her , change her bathe her, give mum a break whilst she gets other things done . Eventually you can take her for a walk spring is coming. By the time it goes to court you will have bonded with your baby. Ask if your mum can see her Im sure as a Nanny she would like to, take photos. Try and sort this out nicely you might not have to go to court ..
Ok. I will do all of that. I will send her a text message saying that I am paying the amount CSA would take from me through her bank monthly. I will inform her that I would like contact with Lilly and that I have sent an application for parental rights and contact.
Thanks for your advice 🙂
Hi I wouldnt mention csa or court actions at this stage you will only get her back up, she as already offerered you contact and at Lillys age you wouldnt get much more, I know this may sound unfair but its how it is.
. I would say I would like to contribute towards Lilly and Ive set up a monthly DD for x amount to be paid into your account on x date . Then I would wait a few days and ask if it would be possible to see Lilly and let her say when and how long for .
In a few months of seeing Lilly print off the PR forms and see if she will sign them if not then go to court but dont tell her as the minute you do she will stop contact, the more contact you have before you go the court route the better as it will look bad on her if she stops contact just because she as had a court letter
Glad to help, just stay calm, and even if she dosnt allo you to see Lilly Dont stop paying as this will go againts you if you do go to court.
In an earlier post you said you were going to do Dna was there doubt you could be the father ?
I will stay calm. And I will still pay money.
Regarding the DNA test. no. there are no doubts that I am the father. Basically I took some bad advice. A mum had told me that I can stop her registering the birth until a DNA test is done to prove paternity. The reasoning behind this being that the only reason you could not name the father is if you didn't know. I now know this not to be the case. I am defiantly the father of Lilly.
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