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Please could anyone give me any advice. I have recently split from my partner who i had a beautiful 3 month old daughter with. I left for a third and final time because she is a gambling addict and plays online bingo for up to 14 hours a day every day. This was the same reason why i left before but stupidly went back to when she said she had quit but soon falls back into the same routine. I myself have a full time job and have done all the way through the relationship. She has 2 boys from 2 previous relationships, the first left before his son was born, the second has minimal contact fortnightly if he can be bothered but has stepped up and always told the older lad he is his dad. These boys have been mine for the last three and a half years. I'm the one that takes them to school, football training, plays with them and does homework we have had a very loving relationship between us and i have always refered to them as my own and been very proud to do so. I know i have no right over the boys but hope as they get older they will remember who it was that gave them so much time and love whilst there mum thinks playing bingo all day every day and just telling them at bed time that she loves them will make up for it.
The problem is she won't let me see my daughter. While we lived together i did everything, worked, cooked, cleaned, did the school runs fed all three kids. She was lucky to wash do the pots and make dinner more than a few times a month. It was getting to the stage where i was lucky to get 3 hours sleep between shifts( i work nights). She did look after the baby while i was at work but only did what she had to. And when i was home my daughter then became my responsibility. I am not complaining about doing so much and would of carried on but i was dead on my feet and not getting any support from her. I was at the birth of my daughter and have been to all her jabs etc since as i do not want to miss any part of my baby girl growing up. My daughter has my surname. I have fed her, bathed her and changed her as often as possible to be involved as much as possible. We only split coming on for two weeks now and as i left i offered to arrange a monthly payment and sell the car and give her half, she did not accept. Since then i have been to see a solicitor and followed his advice to arrange something between us, again she won't agree. She was to see a solicitor last friday then it was wednesday. Then i should have recieved a letter thursday, then friday it didn't come now its possibly saturday or monday.
I have a feeling the letter will say i can have suppervised visits or at a meeting centre. Because in a text she has said she doesn't trust me. She is basically making things up and people are listening to her but i'm the one that did everything for her, her kids and my daughter, i also used to take my boys friends all over to football and days out etc. I seem to have done everything and she has done nothing. Yet i have ended up with nothing and she has everything.
Whilst i was there she did not declare it and claimed money as a single mum, i feel i could bring this up to help my case but am not sure if it would do more harm than good. My phone has texts where she was arranging to get marajuhana from friends, but again i don't know if i should bring this up. If she is saying that she doesn't trust me why were her friends happy to send there sons and daughters with me to sporting events and let me take them to and from school. As for the bingo addiction, there will be bank records to prove how much money she has wasted over the years (we are talking thousands) and how long she spends online doing so. Her bank records will show she never pays a bill on time but has the funds due to her benifits and my wages.
I just feel like i'm being punished for working my socks off and being the best dad and partner i could of been and i have nothing and am being dangled on a shoe string while my poor baby girl has to live with her useless mother and what ever she says is believed. I am just waiting on a letter at the beginning of a long slow process while she totally has the ball in her court and everyone on her side. Please someone let me know what i should do next or point me in the right direction.
If i would of had my way i would of walked out the door with my beautiful baby girl, her two sons and the cat to save all of them from her!
Hi Carl,
Sorry to hear of your situation. I'll be blunt and say that this is likely to be a long haul for you. But given what you've said already i know you'll be in it for the long haul.
As regards to the cannabis and benefits. There will come a time and a place to fight fire with fire. Unfortunately now is not it. I would say that given your daughters age and given your input so far, you would be far better off:
Sending a letter to your ex's Solicitor (i assume she's told you who they are?) and ask for a response within 14days and that you expect Contact to be done on a 50/50 basis given your being [at least while the relationship was alive] the primary carer for your daughter.
If this is not agreed you need to start raising a Contact Application. There is a guide at the top of this section. I really normally wouldn't advise this but given your circumstance i feel very strongly that your input would/should be seen as exemplary and indeed that you are and have been a very involved parent.
The reason why i'm advising the raising of the Contact Application to be done after the 14day response period is that the longer this issue continues, the more time you will not be seen as the one who has provided the majority of care/stability with Contact.
To make you aware your daughter at 3months old a Court would expect Contact to be little and often. Given your involvement you must fight to ensure that this is 50/50 as far as you can reasonably allow, i.e. around your shifts.
Can i just ask... are you living back with Parents?
Yes I am back living with parents, but I will be putting a deposit down on a flat tomorrow. I feel I need to get into somewhere asap for one reason I will not qualify for legal aid until my out goings increase and secondly if some arrangement could be worked out with my ex I don't think she will allow my little lady to stay with me there as she and my mum don't see eye to eye.
Also no she hasn't told me who her solicitor is. She was supposed to see hers last Friday than it was Wednesday. Then I was supposed to get a letter yesterday or today now it's going to be tomorrow or Monday. She has stopped answering the phone to me and only replies to the occasional text.
I have recieved a letter from Derbyshire Family Law Associates this morning.
We write further to recent instructions from our above named client in relation to Children matters.
We understand that you were in a relationship with our client from April 2008 until you recently seperated, on 6th March 2012. You have one daughter from this relationship, Bethany. Currently you have no contact with Bethany due to a number of concerns that our client has.
First our client is concerned about the effect upon her children of the incident on christmas day when you threatened to kill yourself by holding a bread knife to your wrist. Secondly our client's sons say thay are scared of you.
Our client also considers that Bethany is very young to be having long contact and also overnight contact. Since you work nights, it does not seem appropriate for you to be having overnight contact at this stage. Our client fully intends for you to have contact with Bethany and sees that this will be in her best interests. However due to her concerns, she would like to ensure that the contact is arranged in a way that is appropriate to Bethany.
Our client does not feel in a position at this stage to put forward any proposals to you for contact, however, she is willing to attend mediation where an independent third party will be able to meet both of you with Bethany. We have therefore referred this matter to Midlands Mediation who will contact you in due course.
If you have any proposals for contact then please contact us to put forward such proposals.
Due to the nature of this letter we would suggest that you seek your own independent lagal advice. We look forward to hearing from you or your solicitor within the next fourteen days.
1. The incident she refers to on Christmas day happened but has been twisted. We got into an argument and when i went upstairs to let things cool down i heard the car doors closing i went down to see my ex had locked me in the house and was taking my baby girl and the boys away in the car, she was reversing off the drive. I panicked because i didn't want my kids away from me on Christmas day and especially my baby girl on her first Christmas. I looked at kicking the door down and going after them, but instead grabed a veg knife and held it upside down near my wrist to simulate hurting myself. She then drove back onto the drive and retured back into the house with the children where i explained the worse thing she could ever do was take my kids away from me. Also within the next half hour we were back to happy families and it has not been mentioned since.
2. The kids are not scared of me!! They have gone every where with me whilst she sits playing bingo. I take them to school, football training and there matches. They and often there friends come with me and my dad to watch speedway. I couldn't go anywhere without the boys coming with me if i nipped to the shops they came, they come to my football with me through the holidays. We play games and consoles together. I did everything for them boys. They would give me a kiss every morning before school and i we would tell each other we loved each other before school, at bed time and any other time they were leaving me for a short or long period. I recently used some of my last work holidays up when the oldest lad went on a school trip so i could entertain the youngest and be there incase of any emergency.
Hi Carl,
Thanks for the replies.
I can tell you from experience that this is quite a standard letter. You are going to have to be very careful how you handle this incident. Clearly she is taking the "denial of contact" route. I've no doubt whatsoever about that.
If you have a Solicitor, i would certainly make them aware that you want a stern letter of reply to go back stating that if Contact is not agreed you will be raising a Contact Application. I would strongly recommend that your Solicitor includes in his/her letter of response that you have concerns regarding the behaviour of your ex. You need to also include in the letter that other than when you were at work you were Bethany's primary carer and that as a result of this you expect Contact to be exceeding the standard amount.They need to be given 14days with which to reply.
Start raising your Contact Application as soon as this letter goes, others on here may advise differently but i'm telling you that your ex will not want to discuss this matter, and likely any discussions will escalate/turn heated quickly, this in turn could result in further instances of potential Police/Social Services involvement... and the concern will be you.
Mediation may come about as an "expectation" of the Courts. When/if filling out the Contact Application (C100) the part referring to Mediation may need a note to say: The Father feels that any agreement reached in Mediation would break down and should any agreement be met in Mediation, this agreement be brought back to Court to be put into a binding Contact Order.
It goes without saying that throughout difficult times in a relationship we all do things that we come to regret. If things do start to get on top of you your solicitor could advise on a course of action. It is however worth posting back on here mind you, as often there is a range of experiences that other dads here can give info on. Should things become really worrying for you i've done this in the past and i can contact you directly by phone.
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