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Hello all.
Before I go on, first let me thank everyone for the fantastic, sensible advice I've read across the forum. I've taken great consolation from the fact that there are so many good people out there willing to help others.
I'm going to going into detail and be entirely honest as I'm at the end of my tether and really don't know what to do. Apologies if I write too much or it's all been heard before.
Until March this year I'd been in a 'rocky' relationship with my ex for 3 years. She was my childhood sweetheart and after years apart our lives came together again and we fell in love.
However, I soon found out that she has a breaking strain lower than a Kit Kat and was fully capable of throwing me out and dumping me over matters as small as:
- Me suggesting she used a different knife to cut food so that she didn't cut her hands
- Us not being able to decide what TV to watch (resulting in me being assaulted)
- Me asking her to stop dumping me and hurting me
Essentially, I shouldn't have stayed with her as she put me through [censored] for two years. However, in late 2009 she fell pregnant and we decided we'd make a go of it for the sake of our baby.
Unfortunately she soon went psycho again (we had a minor disagreement) and I was kicked out and told I was never going to see my baby. I spent 4 months sleeping on family floors trying to contact her but she spent much of her time giving me abuse.
Eventually she came around (literally overnight one day) and I moved back in. The following year was brilliant - our daughter was born last June and our relationship went from strength to strength.
However, over time her anger crept back into our life.
In March I stupidly responded to personal emails from a female work colleague and was lewd and suggestive to her. I had no intention of doing anything, I was merely joking. Possibly for attention (that I wasn't getting from my ex). I know it was wrong but I did love my ex and I'd always been utterly dedicated to her and our family.
However, I was evicted at knifepoint in front our of crying 10-month old daughter at 6am in the morning. My clothes and possessions (including photos of me and my daughter that were on the walls) were left in the road later that day.
Since then I've been crashing at my parents house (which is 50m from her house) and sporadically being allowed access to my daughter.
In the last 3 months she's randomly gone from denying me any access to wanting me there all the time and letting me see my daughter daily. I've even stayed over on occasion and we've slept together a few times.
Unfortunately though, the day before my daughter's 1st birthday (when we had a joint day together planned) she told me she hadn't had any sleep and was angry. She immediately took it out on me and we argued, culminating in her punching me in the face and assaulting me by slamming me in her front door several times. Of course, she screamed "get out, get out!" so the neighbours no doubt think I was being violent or trying to force my way in but in truth I was asking her to stop being violent and to let me see my daughter. I haven't raised a hand to her at all, I know my relationship with my daughter would be at risk if I did.
Since then she took my daughter out early and kept her away from me on her 1st birthday, only letting me have her for a few hours in the afternoon. This has hurt me beyond belief.
Since that day (last Thursday) she's entirely ignored me and hasn't let me see my daughter at all. I tried to go 'round there tonight but when I knocked on the door I saw her take our daughter upstairs to get away from me.
Her last comments to me were that she's going to the Police and I should expect a letter from her solicitor.
I'm seeing a solicitor for advice this week but I really don't want to have to sink as low as her and start slinging mud through solicitors.
She will no doubt claim I've been violent and that she wants to protect our daughter from that but the plain truth is that it's her that's violent, angry and aggressive.
I lashed out at her once in our relationship, when our 6 month old daughter was asleep on my chest and my ex approached me and punched me hard in the head (she was angry about something irrational again and I was trying to calm her down) - I was laying on the sofa with my baby and lashed out with my leg in response to her punch and caught her in the abdomen. Of course, she told the whole world I kicked her and didn't even mention her punch which was just inches from our daughter's head.
Basically I don't know what to do. I know she has no right to stop me seeing my daughter or my daughter seeing me. But that's not enough. I didn't deserve any of this and I don't deserve to be verbally bullied and abused (a hidden abuse which no-one else ever gets to see, she's smiley with everyone else) and I definitely don't want any more physical abuse.
I don't want to have to fight her for access, I want us to be able to talk and to be able to agree fair access for me. However, "fair" to me is not once a week or even twice a week. I have just as much right to bring up my daughter as she does, in fact I'm far more capable, loving and dedicated than she is. So I want to have access to my daughter as often as possible.
I just don't know what to do now. If I go through solicitors she'll get worse and it'll make her angry for years, causing pain to both of us and our daughter. I want to be able to mediate but she's just so bi-polar (not that she'll even talk to me at the moment).
I guess I'm looking for someone to suggest some of the more official and legal routes for me to take. I want the world to see that despite what she tries to pin on me, she's the scheming, devious, angry, aggressive, violent and abusive one. Just because she's doing to another adult doesn't mean it's right or can be ignored.
I'm on my last legs and if I don't get to hold my beautiful daughter again soon I'm going to go crazy.
Hi dorsetdad
Welcome to Dadtalk. It's good to hear that you have found the site to be so helpful in what you have read so far. I know it is no consolation but I guess you can take some comfort from the fact that you are not the only dad going through a hard time at the moment.
I'm very sorry to hear about what has been going on for you with your daughter and your ex. You mention she is bi-polar and this is often a very difficult condition to manage and you and your daughter are coming off worse. There is never any excuse for violence, whatever the provocation.
You mention mediation but it doesn't sound as if this is going to work, but it may be worth suggesting anyway to show a court that you have at least tried. You mention you are seeing a solicitor soon, so talk to him/her about the possibility of mediation. He/She can also advise you about going to court, although you can of course talk to the Children's Legal Centre at any time before you see your solicitor.
Clearly it is your daughter who is suffering the most and it isn't good for her to hear and witness these violent outbursts. As is often the case, the children are used as pawns. Your ex should be putting her needs first, above her own.
I hope that you will soon get regular contact sorted out. Please let us know how you get on.
Mikey,
Thanks for the support and advice, it's much appreciated.
To clarify, she hasn't been diagnosed as bi-polar, but I am certain that she is, absolutely certain. Her behaviour is wildly irrational, to the extent that she can be at both ends of the extreme scale in the same day. From loving and needy to violently abusive and incredibly savage and uncaring. I know it's a quality common in many females, but it can only be seen to be believed in her case. And unfortunately I'm the only one that's ever seen it - she's nice as pie to everyone else.
I received a letter from her solicitor today.
It states that they're aware of our history and that I "left" home 3 months ago. It also states they know about our argument last week and that the "neighbours had to intervene" (I certainly don't remember that bit!). She states that she only wants me to have my daughter every Saturday but apart from that she wants me to have no contact whatsoever.
It also states that I'm not to contact her at all unless through her solicitor.
I literally can't believe that any sane and reasonable human being could even listen to and side with this bullshit she's coming out with, let alone that a solicitor woud even think about writing something so incredulous. Really doesn't help my faith in the 'system'.
I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow and I will not be standing for this inhuman behaviour. She has no right to tell me what I can and can't do and the access I can have with my daughter, when the basis of her story is that she just doesn't like me any more (despite the fact we slept together last week and she kept begging me to stay over right up to the argument).
I'm left shocked at how she could even consider the action she's taken. To say it's inhuman to treat another human being like this doesn't even come close to how I feel.
Hi again dorsetdad
I'm sorry you received this letter, it must have been quite a shock for you to read it. I hope that you get some good advice from your own solicitor and this situation can be rectified. Let us know how you get on.
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