Hi I am looking for help or advice on a child contact order. The parent has not seen the children ages 18 15 and 9 in over 2 years. Parent left the home and has not had any contact in over 2 years. There was emotionally bullying, cruelty, abuse, and other forms of abuse behind closed doors such as financial and emotional etc. Received court papers in July and first hearing was August, 18 year old was taken off the paperwork, by the judge as a adult. No interim contact ordered, cafcass to do a 6 week report. Cafcass did not get report done in time so final court date now the 25th. 15 year old also taken off so only 9 year old left.
All the children have now been interviewed by cafcass and also a independent advocate. All clearly stating they do not want this or any direct contact. This has greatly distressed them all.
No direct contact has been mentioned by anyone, or cafcass, indirect has been mentioned several times by cafcass, also when 18 year old asked what would happen was told no or indirect contact. Still waiting on report to come back.
this has been a awful distressing time, other parent has been throwing a lot of untrue statements and since the case got adjourned now also has a mackenzie friend.
Are older children (in this case 9 and above) often made part of direct contact orders against their wishes and feelings?. She is 10 in April, the judge said if she was 10 it would of been a shut case.
Cafcass has also said the children, can write to the judge, would this help?.
any help with this awful and distressing time would be appreciated.
Hi there
Courts will always endeavour to encourage contact where it's in the best interests of the child, in your case it seems that there is a great deal of hostility from the children towards any contact in the future and I do think this will be a consideration in the courts final decision.
As there has been a 2 year gap in contact, if the court decide that direct contact should resume it will most certainly be ordered to be supervised in a contact centre. They would be observed and a report would then be made, which would form part of the final decision. I suggest that if the court is adamant that cojtact should resume, that you insist that it be supervised and the report made available to the court and a review hearing set before a final decision made. At least then, if the relationship between the child and father has irretrievably broken down, the. Ourt will be made aware of it.
If CAFCASS has recommended that the children write to the court, I think this would be a good idea, it will give the judge further insight into how the children are feeling. Allow them to write in their own words without any input from you...Perhaps a joint letter written by all three of them, as a united front.
Sometimes, as parents we transfer our own fears and prejudice onto our children without knowing, it might be that your childrens stance is their way of protecting you.... The court have to take this possibility into account. If supervised contact is ordered at least it will give the child the opportunity to find out how she really feels when she sees her father again.
It is my opinion that regardless of any ill feeling between parents, it shouldn't be visited on the children, unless there is a serious risk of harm to them. Often where there has been domestic violence between parents, the children aren't involved in this and would still benefit from a relationship with the separated parent.
All the best
Their father was a emotional abusive man, used to belittle and bully the whole household. tell the kids they were useless, fat, ugly and a waste of space. spit at everyone, push shove and pinch everyone. hit walls, throw plates, break anything anyone else liked or wanted. he was a very angry loud man who would shout scream, get into faces, spitting and swearing. it was to be frank a living [censored]. he refused to seek help. blamed everyone else for his problems. he actually took pleasure in being a bully. this was all behind closed doors, he isolated us, financially controlled. Kids ended up sleeping downstairs in the living room with me and a chair against the door in fear of him. we could not watch TV or make noise when he went to bed at 6pm. kids would cry when he came home. Despite this I have thought it over and considered it all carefully, and have thought indirect contact via a third party would leave contact open to the children to decide if and when to respond safely. He does not agree, he has not seen them in over 2 years. he walked out on a £40k a year job the week he got the divorce papers and child maintenance bill, and also says he is now homeless. The children do not want this contact and they are scared and distressed over the thought of it x
It sounds like your children were involved and badly effected by their fathers behaviour.... I hope you didn't think I was questioning your motives and if it means anything I think you should stick to your guns and refuse anything but indirect contact, which is strictly controlled.
If he is homeless he is not in a position to facilitate contact ne he would have to pay to see them in a contact centre, which also sounds unlikely given his circumstances.
As the case is only about your youngest, I would also argue that it would be unfair to make just one child see their father against their will and it would be too distressing to submit the youngest to it without the support of the siblings.
Are you represented in court?
You could ask the court to appoint a Guardian, this would ensure that your childs wishes and feelings would be represented separately and supported by the Guardian and their own solicitor....if you don't have representation I think it would address that.
Thank you for the replies, sorry if I seem defensive about it but the kids are so distressed, crying themselves to sleep over it. worrying about their younger sister. she is disabled also and I am her full time carer. this is after two years of rebuilding and making a new life for ourselves. he is not even admitting anything or seeking help for his problems, I have a solicitor and a barrister, I am on income support, but they are taken the whole of a backpayment of PIP money to pay for the legal fees so I will be penniless at the end of this. I am also disabled. I have a solicitor and a barrister. I cant not have someone in court to talk for me. I am anxious about court next week. the kids have also seen a independent advocate and made statements all saying no to seeing him. they told the cafcass man they didnt want to see him. although this cafcass man said to me pushing and shoving is normal in a relationship, and I should count myself lucky it wasn;t any worse, I have also heard all about his private life, how he is now separated, and was kept from his children and him and his ex used to fight and that so its normal. I was sat there thinking this man is talking to vulnerable people and telling them physical and emotional violence is normal. he has not once mentioned direct or supervised contact, said about indirect. my son who is 18 asked him what would happen to his sister and he said to him he was thinking no or indirect contact. But I am on the edge of worry and having panic attacks until it gets here. daughter has already said she wont go and been sick over it all. x
ORegardless of the fact that you have representation, I do think your barrister should push for a 16.4 Guardian to represent your daughter, not only would she receive direct support from the Guardian, but she would be given her own solicitor to represent her wishes solely.
I do feel for you, have you been able to make a statement to explain the impact this is having on your children? Domestic violence is often a combination of physical and psychological abuse, with the emotional damage leaving the biggest scars that can take many years to heal.
For the CAFCASS officer to say to you that domestic violence is normal in a relationship and you should count yourself lucky is totally unacceptable and he should be held to account for that and questioned on it in court by your barrister at the final hearing.
I would also suggest that you go and see your GP about the effect this is having on you and your family.
I wish I could be of more help to you, if you wish to talk privately you can PM me.
All the best
Just wanted to say court was tuesday. ex brought a very hostile mckenzie friend with him. he was pushing ex to go to fact finding. court legal advisor, cafcass and magistrates all agreed there was no basis for that, as the indirect contact was based on the childrens wishes, not the DV, so would not change their decision. he was told only indirect contact 3 times a year. children do not have to reply. the report said he was a liar and a manupilative man only interested in his feelings, he did not mention the childrens feelings once or ask how they were when told they were distressed etc. so court order states indirect contact three times a year and at xmas. been three months of [censored] and stress and upset, but it is finally over. received a letter from child maintenance saying he no longer pays a penny towards the 3 children, all of whom and me have disabilities. he left his job in august after receiving the bill he owes for non payment and the divorce. he also stated he is homeless although he lives at his mother house. thats the kind of man he is. still, onwards and upwards, healing to do. x
Thanks for letting us know Rio, you and your children must be relieved! The court made the right decision for your children and now you can all get on with getting back on track.
Best of luck for the future.