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Needing some advice.
I found out last year that the person who i thought was my father was infact my step dad. I asked my mother when i had put 2 & 2 together and she admitted it but when i asked who my real father was she clammed up and refuses to speak. It has split our family up big time arguments with brothers etc who blame me for this. I should have just kept quiet and accepted the fact. It is every human beings right to know where they came from. Can i legally force her to tell me or will i never find out??
John
Hi
You can't force her to tell you, and I don't think a court would impose any penalties on her if she refused, and to be honest, if they did try, all she has to do is say that it was a one night stand and she didn't know his name, and no-one could say that she wasn't telling the truth.
I think it may be a matter of approaching the situation from a different angle - she does need to see it from your point of view, but you also need to try so understand her point of view - what is the reason that she doesn't want to tell you?
I'm not sure whether they'd be able to help, but I'll ask Relate if they are able to give any advice on this.
John, finding out about a secret in the family can be difficult at anytime and a total shock to the system. The world you thought you had that was stable and real can seem totally shattered and you start to ask yourself a lot of questions about who your ‘real’ dad is and why your mother has kept this a secret from you all this time. It can be very difficult, and as you say, has caused problems in the rest of the family. There are a couple of things you may need to ask yourself: One is, does this make a difference to the relationship you have with your ‘step’ dad? How does he feel about you knowing this now and has it the changed the relationship he has with you now? The other is, if you did find out who your biological dad is, what difference would this make to you and would it be a shock to him as well to find out he has a son?
Your mother may have very good reasons in her mind about why she doesn’t want to tell you who your biological father is. At the moment, it you will have to respect her wishes. She may tell you eventually, but you can’t force her. It may also make matters worse for you and the rest of the family. The other side is that you may be thinking about who you are now. Knowing the ‘truth’ about who your biological father might also be taking over your life. You may have lost the trust between your mum and your dad as you might see them differently now. Have a think about who your ‘real’ dad is.
If it does become difficult for you and if your biological origins are in your every thought, you might like to talk this through with a someone who doesn’t have any connection with your family. If you have a partner or girlfriend, you might want them to listen to how you feel about your situation. If you are finding it really challenging, drop Relate a line and they will be able to help you work through your thoughts and feelings. You can also respond back on the forum for some more advice if you wish.
Andi, Relate
I'm not sure whether they'd be able to help....
I've jsut re-read that and realised I phrased that very badly - I meant I wasn't sure whether it was an area where Relate had expertise - obviously it is, and thank you Andi for the reply. 🙂
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