Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I split up from my ex-wife on New Years Day 2008 (I know - bad timing!), after a torrid time sorting things out with solicitors involved, we signed a consent order in May 2008, which was OK'd by the Court shortly after. The order refers to our financial arrangements and not to any contact arrangements with my son (who is 10 this year).
At the time the consent order was agreed I was still living at my mother's, and saw my son two evenings a week and had him stay with me one night at the weekend. I have subsequently purchased my own house and following more torrid discussions I managed to get my wife to agree to him stopping with me three nights per week - Wednesday and Thursday then alternate Friday and Saturdays.
I currently pay my ex-wife an amount of maintenance per month which covers maintenance and 60% of my son's school fees. I was advised by my solicitor that after 12 months was up - I could if I want apply to the CSA to take over the maintenance part. I have done some calculations on the CSA website and due to the number of nights my son now spends with me the amount I am obliged to pay would reduce from £3,900 per annum to £3,500 per annum. Now this may sound like small beer - but to me it will be the difference between me taking my son away for a week's holiday and not - so in my mind it it an important change.
I have a few queries over this:
1. Can I just inform my ex-wife that I will be lowering the monthly payment to refect the new amount?
2. If I do - is there any action she can take against me to get the other amount reinstated?
3. If she doesn't agree can I go to the CSA and ask them to take over the maitenance?
The other issue I am struggling with - and again it may seem small fry to some - is that due to our contact arrangements my wife has our son on almost all bank holidays - mainly because they are at the beginning of the week. I have asked her to share the bank holidays, but she is saying no - any refusing to discuss it any further - on the grounds that in her opinion it is more stable for our son to have the same routine irrespective of bank holidays.
I don't believe that I am being unreasonable and I can see no reason why my son could spend at least one bank holiday with me - so that we can do what other families do and maybe go somewhere nice for the day. Is there any advice ayone could offer me on this one?
Last bit - which is the tricky bit - how would I go about getting my contact increased to 50:50 - and if I did would I still have to pay my ex-wife maintenance for my son?
Any help would be much appreciated!
Hi Graybags 2002
An interesting set of questions - currently we don't have an expert on child maintenance so have asked a few folk to look at your questions and see what advice they have.
Please hang in there and we will get back to you asap.
cheers
I assume the calculation is based on a reduction of 3/7ths based on the number of nights he stays with you. You could reduce the payments accordingly, and your ex-wife could apply to the CSA, who would presumably do the same calculation you have done, so you wouldn't be paying any more.
HOWEVER, if you do this, your ex-wife may simply say that she is only allowing staying contact for 2 nights per week, or even less, in which case your maintenance payments would increase. It's a fine balancing act, but trying to reduce the maintenance may mean you see your son less, so you would be shooting yourself in the foot for the sake of a holiday with him.
As for getting the contact increased, if you can't do it by consent, then the court would have to come to a decision, and again, you are antagonising your ex-wife by going down this route, and as she has custody of your son, she could come up with reasons (false or exaggerated) to the court why you shouldn't have so much access.
It would seem that if I reduce my payments to what the CSA says I should be paying, my wife could (in order to sustain her income) reduce my access to my son - this seems to be very unfair and against the best interests of my son.
In effect you are saying that reduced payments = reduced access, same payments = same access - this seems to imply that I will have to pay to see my son! (Emotional interpretation I know!).
What if I go for joint residency - by applying to the court - what could she do then if she doesn't agree to it - paint me as a bad dad?
I need some luck here - feel as though I have been on the backfoot for 18 months and need to find some way of gaining the intiative - but not sure how!
It would seem that if I reduce my payments to what the CSA says I should be paying, my wife could (in order to sustain her income) reduce my access to my son - this seems to be very unfair and against the best interests of my son.
In effect you are saying that reduced payments = reduced access, same payments = same access - this seems to imply that I will have to pay to see my son! (Emotional interpretation I know!).
What if I go for joint residency - by applying to the court - what could she do then if she doesn't agree to it - paint me as a bad dad?
I need some luck here - feel as though I have been on the backfoot for 18 months and need to find some way of gaining the intiative - but not sure how!
Unfortunately, that is exactly what I'm saying, and if your ex is insistent that you maintain your current payments, then she could indeed reduce the access that you have (only you know whether she is likely to do this, or whether she'd concede and leave access as it is) - certainly reducing the maintenance doesn't sound like it will put her in a good frame of mind. Would she be open to a compromise - perhaps you could suggest that you reduce the maintenance and put the difference into a holiday fund (joint account requiring both signatures perhaps) for your son.
Going for joint custody doesn't mean, as far as I know, that you necessarily split custody equally (but the legal bods on here are much better qualified to comment on this, so I'd get their opinion first), and the CSA will take the Parent with Care as the one who has him the most - which is pretty much where you are at the moment anyway.
Before you go for the legal option, consider the costs - I did this because I had little option for the best interests of my children (and in hindsight, in my case, I'd still do it again) but it cost me around £30,000 (and this was a couple of years after the divorce, so totally separate from the divorce costs) and a further action will probably cost me another £10,000 this year. Unless you can get legal aid, that's a lot of money to spend - worth considering mediation of some sort if it's available.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.