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Hi All,
I am new to this site and after reading some of the posts on here, i am hoping for some advice.
A little background info (i will try and keep as brief as possible)
Myself and my ex split when our daughter was 6 months old due to her aggressive behavior (headbutting me whilst drunk) over the years we tried to get along and even tried to make a go of things for the sake of our daughter, things always ended up going the same way with her violent temper.
Over the years she has threatened me with not seeing our daughter and telling me to contact a solicitor when i don't agree to something she asks for. I have always paid my way giving more than the CSA say that i should pay
My ex has told me (and many others) previously that when she 12/13 she was sexually abused by her father. Im not sure if this was another one of her many lies as she tells that many the she mixes herself up. Naturally this has always been a problem for me as the father is very much in her life (like a best friend). I as well as others have always got on with her father but me and the ex had the understanding from when our daughter was born that if he was to be in her life then he wouldn't be left alone with our daughter under any circumstances. He does take her to school and soforth but never to be left alone overnight as i believe the abuse took place whilst under the influence of alcohol/
This time last year my daughter let slip that she had stayed at grandads alone for the night while she was with her partner in a different town. I texted my ex asking why she had allowed this and got a nasty text back saying that it is nothing to do with me and she will do as she likes. After ringing my ex her response was that our daughter isn't even the same age as she was when the abuse took place. To cut a long story short, i ended up contacting social services and got an interim residency order in place until the allegations of abuse were investigated. CAFCASS came out to talk to my daughter and were happy that no abuse had happened in regards to my daughter (i never thought it had but didn't want her placed in the position where it could happen). My ex and her father were called and both denied any abuse had taken place and my daughter was placed back with her mum and grandad could have her whenever my ex decided (i have appealed with her to think about our daughter but it doesn't get through).
Fast-forward a year and i have been getting numerous texts from my ex to lend money as they dont have gas/electric/food yet she has money for bus-fairs to see her girlfriend in another town (£10 per day), cigs and cannabis. I have recently quit my job to work for myself so i can hopefully build a better future for my daughter and also allow me to spend additional time with her as well as going to more school plays without work restrictments. I told my ex that i will now be paying her the same amount but in gas, electric and food tokens so i can ensure our daughter is looked after properly and get warm and fed. This ended up in her blowing up and accusing me of been violent and abusive (i have text messages dating back years to prove who the violent one is). The scary part is that she is now insinuating that as well as abusing my daughter mentally and physically, she believes that i may be sexually abusing her. I am at my whits end, i know that this is something that she is making up but don't understand how someone could come out with that. Me and my daughter have a very good relationship and when she stays with me every tuesday and friday night we interact. play games together, eat our meals together and have fun. I teach my daughter right from wrong and tell her that no matter what, she should never lie even if she thinks someone will get in trouble for it. My daughter is scared to let slip any bad things that her mum does in case i question her mum about it and then she gets in to trouble for it from her mum. This isnt good considering the past with her own father, i need my daughter to be able to talk to me without fear of her mum carrying on.
Im at my whits end where to go with this, i have spoken to citizens advice who said i need to contact a solicitor (im penniless at the minute). I have also rung social services but they cant do anything unless my ex rings them with her concerns which she obviously wont do as it is another one of her many lies to hurt me (cant she see it also hurts her daughter). I haven't seen my daughter for 2 weeks now as my ex said that she didnt want to see me (i know this to be another lie!!). She has said i can have her this evening as normal but my head is battered with it all, i don't feel i can see her until someone has spoken to my daughter and ascertained the truth.
I have also recently found out that my ex has been staying at her partners on a weekday and getting our daughter up to get 2 buses for the hour and half journey to school and more than a quarter of the last term she hasnt been sending her citing illness. I have asked school to keep me informed on this as my daughter is slipping in her school work.
I would love to go for full residency as i truly believe my daughter will be better of with me but know how unlikely it is that i will get it. So for now i just need someone to speak to my daughter and get the truth for the next time she tries hurting me with these lies.
Someone has mentioned speaking to the child protection officer at school???
Sorry for the long essay but don't think i could have made it shorter.
Terry
I need to add that i missed the final hearing at court last year as i spoke to CAFCASS and they had closed the case so thought that was the end to it 🙁 🙁
Hi TMac,
You need to spend time with your daughter and allow her to come and see you, by doing this you will instantly prove your ex is lieing as if she felt you were abusing your daughter she wouldn't allow her to come and see you, if you have the text where your ex implies the abuse then keep them.
It is possible to gain full custody and it seems you have some evidence to show there have been issues with your ex so you have a case, if you feel court is the right place to go then you can represent yourself without solicitors, but I would suggest trying mediation first to see if you can have an open conversation with a 3rd party present to promote a compromise.
It seems that you have had a good relationship with your daughter up until now so don't let this spoil it.
GTTS
Thanks GTTS.
I have texted and asked if she will go to mediation and hopefully get resolved? Waiting for a reply. I'm missing my daughter like mad, it's been over 2 weeks!!
Would you suggest speaking to the officer at school die to the ex saying that she came home from school distraught? Possibly give them a bit of heads up incase it effects our daughter?
Terry
Thanks again. I will speak with the school on Monday but now face another dilemma.
I have had no reply about talking with the mediator but have messaged her today to see if i can have my daughter tonight (my usual night), the following is word for word what i got in reply:
"you can have her anytime as well you know but we need t talk first about what she said. I aren't available now until Monday. I will come to yours after dropping daughter off at school. Then if we need to talk to daughter together, we can talk to her after school. Is that ok?"
The message isn't referring to the claims of any sexual abuse as that has now been played down from the ex. These claims are for my daughter been supposedly scared of my violent temper? I obviously want to get to the bottom of things but i would prefer for someone who will be able to get the real truth to speak with my daughter. I really hope that she isn't scared of me as i never have and never will raise my hands to her. I tell her off in a stern voice but don't even raise my voice. My daughter will say what she thinks the ex wants to hear and begs me not to say anything to her mum about anything she tells me for fear of getting in trouble. I feel like my hands are tied?? i don't want to break my daughter's trust to think that she cant talk to me. I could talk to the ex on Monday and get this resolved, until the next time she decides she wants to fight about something....
I have had enough and even thought about giving in.
My ex is both very clever and VERY manipulating.......
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