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Hi, I know it's a little odd posting on a DAD's site as a girl, but I need some advice for my husband!
His partner kicked him out of the home he was paying for a little over 4 years ago now to be with his best friend instead. She dictated to him what days/nights he could see his 3 kids etc and also the amount he needed to be paying her. They also had a loan in their names that was secured against the house that she insisted he payed on top of a maintenance payment. Throughout the past few years she regularly asked for extra handouts even though my husband did seem to be paying quite a significant contribution to her in the first place, but he obliged as she would make things difficult if he did not.
Recently he has become a full time student. From looking through the CSA website, this means a nil payment. We advised her of this months in advance but it has still come as a 'shock' to her and she is now threatening him (as always) with the only hold she has over him, the kids.
Looking back at it, the CSA count extra payments (ie loan repayments) as part of a maintenance payment. From our calculations he has massively overpaid, but as it was an agreement between the two of them, it's hard to prove anything. She is adamant that we owe her money, even though my husband is entitled to nothing benefits-wise as a mature student and we are left trying to cover the rent on a larger flat than the Local Housing Allowance guidelines say we need because although we share the kids 50/50, we do not claim any child benefit for them so in the LHA's eyes they do not exist. We feed, clothe, house and entertain his three children off our own backs (I'm currently applying for a third job) yet his ex partner complains that we are not paying what we owe her.
We are currently going through a solicitor as his ex has refused to sign a parental responsibility form for the two eldest (13&11) who my husband does not currently have any legal responsibility for as he and his ex were never married. She say it "doesn't matter" yet is happy to leave the kids with us whilst disappearing abroad most weekends, which we find out about at a later date and she leaves no emergency contacts etc. All seems fairly irresponsible to me.
What I'm really asking is. My husband's solicitor suggested a residency order as well as the responsibility agreement. With his ex constantly threatening him with not seeing his children, is this perhaps the way forward? Would this mean a drastic change of circumstances or would they be able to live 50/50 between us and her with the order in place? They love their mum and it's ridiculous to think that they'd be happy being taken away from her. The children do express the want to live with us more permanently but they are young and it wouldn't be fair to force them to decide between parents. Their mother does tell them they aren't allowed to live with us, which we can't find a legal basis for and have told them as such. Would a residency order make things easier? Would it be a legal agreement of times/days that they must be with us so that she would not be able to threaten my husband with no contact? It's the fact she constantly uses the kids as a weapon that is more distressing than anything, if that option is taken away from her we'd hope that she'd leave it and get on with her life and leave us to ours!!
Sorry for rambling.
Any suggestions/help is greatly appreciated.
Kat
Hi Kat and welcome!
Dont worry about being a girl here, a few of us have already hijacked the site! 😀 No, really all the guys here are very welcoming!
I'm sorry to hear about your problems. It seems that you and your partner have been more than fair helping to support the children. I can see why the ex has a problem with it though, now the extra cash has dried up..
.I think your solicitor probably means you should apply for a Shared Residency Order in conjunction with Parental Responsibility, with defined contact, which would help to put a stop to her threats to deny contact....or at least give you added security as far as contact is concerned. It is a legal document and might stop her using the children as a weapon.
Shared Residency doesn't necessarily mean a 50/50 share of the children....If thats what you would like to happen, then you could request that, as long as it doesn't impact on the childrens stability. The court is only interested in whats best for the children and your application should reflect this.
As you already have a solicitor, the Legal team on here will be unable to give you any advice but ther are lots of Dads on here that know what your going through and can advise and support you both.
I would like to suggest that you keep a record of all conversations your partner has with his ex with dates and times, and keep all txts and emails. If she makes verbal threats to you , make a record of it. This might be helpful when it comes to court.
Good luck with everything.
Hi Kat
I think NannyJane has covered most things above, but has your partner informed the CSA that he is now a student (and presumably not earning), if so, he needs to do it now as maintenance will still be accruing until he does. Beyond that, you are correct in that he has been overpaying.
Beyond that, I'd go on the advice of his solicitor - what nannyjane says is probably correct, but if his ex is neglecting the children, it`s possible that the solicitor things that full residence is the way to go.
Thanks for your help, both of you.
The last thing we want to do is disrupt the children, I think Shared Residency is probably the way forward as it wouldn't really affect the contact as it is now, but would make it more concrete in order to stop her using her kids as a weapon.
From reading other posts on the forum it sounds like Shared Residency has worked in the most part, the main problem I anticipate is trying to get her to co-operate. We approached her for PR for my husband, explained everything calmly and simply but she is never happy unless she has the upper hand and things are going her way. We didn't want to have to involve a solicitor but her attitude made it unavoidable (thank the stars for legal aid!).
I just don't get it. There is honestly no reason for her to dispute anything my husband and I do with the children. Why make it difficult? It's only having a negative impact on the kids! "Mummy says...." etc etc. Invariably she tells them what she wants them to know, not the horrific threats she's landed on us. She was the one who split the family, why not make things a smooth as possible?!
Hi Kat
has your partner informed the CSA that he is now a student (and presumably not earning), if so, he needs to do it now as maintenance will still be accruing until he does. Beyond that, you are correct in that he has been overpaying.
Beyond that, I'd go on the advice of his solicitor - what nannyjane says is probably correct, but if his ex is neglecting the children, it`s possible that the solicitor things that full residence is the way to go.
He isn't earning, but he and his ex had a personal agreement rather than go through the CSA (with hindsight, this was to her advantage! I know CSA is often to the disadvantage of the NRP but it seems we'd have been better going down that route!). It's difficult to prove exactly what he was paying as it was cash/cheques/bank transfers and never a consistent amount as she always wanted to add bits on here and there.
She is currently hassling my husband's parents for payment, although I've advised them that we owe her nothing and have in fact overpaid.
Thanks for all your help 🙂
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