[Solved] Ex left and took our son to live over 2 hours away

At least you have both agreed to attend mediation. You could raise the issue of travel costs, and if you cant agree meeting half way, perhaps you could ask her to contribute towards the costs.

Your son is only 2 and half, and I think that to raise issues of your ex living with her parents, and grandmother having care of the child could be seen as being difficult, she is his grandmother after all. If they were living with/near you, your son would be with a childminder.

You should contribute maintenance for your son, which hopefully you have agreed on. You can look on the CSA website to see how much you should be paying. At the end of the day, she may make a claim to CSA anyway and whatever her circumstances, you should be paying maintenance and that is what the CSA will say too.

Hi there,

It's only been 4 weeks since you split, is there any chance of a change of heart? I really do feel for you, and the underhand way she left without a word is just awful...no wonder you are feeling so upset.

You know it may seem the easy option, moving back in with the parents, but it's never easy to re adjust to living back home...she will be used to doing things her own way and my feeling is that she may well struggle.

Living with the grandparents isnt an issue in my opinion but I do think it is unacceptable that he doesn't have his own bed to sleep in and I would definitely discuss this at mediation and let her know how you feel. If he is sharing a bed with his mum this will be another thing that she will soon get fed up with.

Unfortunately the mothers financial situation is not taken into account as far as the amount of maintenance you should be paying is concerned. It's worked out as a percentage of your earnings. If you want to have a rough idea of how much you would pay through the CSA you can google CSA calculator, input your details and it will give you an amount that you should expect to pay. You can get a reduction if you have your son overnight and this works out at a weekly deduction of 1/7th for every night he is with you. You can also get a reduction to help cover travelling expenses. It might be a good idea to work out roughly the amount you would be liable for. Then when you come to discuss amounts you will have a fair idea of what you could pay if she went through the CSA. It would be better if you could reach an agreement informally. There is a link to the Child Maintenance Options website at the bottom of the page and you can read more about this, it's called a family based agreement. There is a sticky at the top of the Child Maintenance section called " how does the CSA calculate payments" it links to a pretty useful CSA leaflet that you might find helpful.

Well there did used to be a link to the Child Maintenance Options website! Doh! Here's a link- www.cmoptions.org.

...and it's called a family based arrangement not agreement! Doh again!

Thanks for the advice.

We are going to mediation this Friday, She originally agreed to me seeing our son every alternate Sunday and from fri-sun every other weekend. Even though she moved so far away, I was still happy to do this while my son is at such a young age. She has now said that she is going to propose at mediation for me to see him every other weekend instead of every week. I don't think this is fair as I have a close relationship with my son (I know most fathers do). She has also prposing that I need to collect him on the friday and her father will pick him up from my parents (who live 30 mins closer). It's so frustrating that she has left me and took our son, my life has been ripped apart and she still expects me to do most of the running, especailly as she is living rent free at her parents.

What would be a reasonable amount of time for me to see him? I'm worried that this is going to affect our relationship as it is always me that is saying goodbye to him.

Hi Bluewharf,

Your not alone with respect to your ex taking your children and your right it is not fair that you have to do the running around.

Unfortunately this is the case for a lot of men, its not right I know and you will get advice and support here.

To help answer your questions I will tell you the contact my children and I have;

Every Wednesday & alternate weekends (Friday after school - Monday morning drop off at school)

I have to perfrom all drop off and collections.

Regards,

Dave

There isn't any set amount of contact that is awarded, having said that the courts seem to favour alternate weekends and a day midweek for tea. Alternate weekends because if parents work during the week then this gives each parent an equal amount of quality time.

There is nothing wrong with expecting to be able to see your son weekly...the distance that has to be travelled for contact is the sticking point. I personally would accept the grandfather picking him up from your parents, I think if it were to go to court they would consider that fair too, as Dave says its left to the father in most incidences to do all the running around.

Perhaps you could suggest indirect contact to be included as you are both going to miss out on the weekly Sunday contact. That would include telephone and Skype contact and she may be amenable to that daily at a specified time or every other day....it won't replace the personal contact but it will be something to look forward to for you both.

You could also her to consider a full week or two in the holidays, annual leave from work allowing, and shared Christmases and birthdays.

Thanks Dave,

It's all still really raw for me, the fact that I have to come back to an empty flat without my son running to me to say hello is killing me. My family and friends have been brilliant to me, but I know that after every phone conversation has finished, I'm by myself again. It's hard to comprehend at the moment.

I would like to see him more, but it is 2 and a half hours away so weekday vists/stayovers aren't really an option. I just think one weekend every 2 weeks is not enough. She has said that she needs quality time with our son as well, and I understand that. But she always wakes up to him and comes home to him. Even though I try to make our time together special, I still realise that at the end of the weekend I have to give him back. I never show these emotions to my son as it's not fair on him. Just going through a tough time at the moment, I can't sell the family home as it is in neagtive equity, my parents live too far away from my workplace to live there. I am thinking of having a lodger to help pay for everything and so that I can also have a life to move forward somehow. But nothing is going to happen overnight.

She sent me her proposals and I have sent her mine, but it seems like she won't compromise. Hopefully the mediator will be able to help obviously, but she has also said that if we can't agree then we will go to court. She has all the ace cards at the moment and isn't dealing me anything.

I know it's a long shot but might another option be to relocate closer to where your son lives....it would mean getting a new job but you could rent your property to cover the mortgage repayments, and rent on an apartment would be more affordable. You wouldn't have the travelling costs and you would be able to see him more often....perhaps it's something to consider in the future.

As you say the split is still very raw and you are still trying to come to terms with it....it must be very hard for you and I can only imagine how distressed you feel.

Thanks,

It's the distance that is the main problem, she transferred her job to another office. She can live and work in the town that we were living in, she just chooses not to. It would be best for both parties as we would both get regular contact with our son. She's being so selfish, our son was settled in his nursery and obviously his home. He would have had much better schooling/prospects etc where I live.

I have asked about Facetime, but sometimes she has said that he doesn't want to and gets worked up, which worries me, as I don't want him to think that I made the decision to leave him. Other times he has been ok, he's just at the age where he doesn't want to sit down and have a little chat with me.

She is being flexible with holidays etc, haven't discussed birthdays/xmas yet.

I understand, I work from home and had the children around me unless they were at school or nursery. It is tough Sir.

Again, I too feel as you do when I come off the telephone to friends and family and it still does cause me a lot of emotional pain.

All I can say is be gentle on yourself but have steel in your spine, show your children that you are the man they think you are, have courage of your convictions and work tirelessly towards your goal.

Dont put to much faith in the mediator as they are unlikely to make an unreasonable woman reasonable however it must be tried and you can say that you have done so and offered comprimise and be careful regards taking in a lodger as it may be used as a reason to prevent your son staying or visiting, not unheard of Im afraid.

Chin up Sir....your not alone.

Regards,

Dave

I have contemplated moving, but I work in London and have a specialised job, there aren't many other places in England that I am able to relocate to. It also pays well, so for me to start my career again would most likely mean I ahve to take a wage reduction.

Also,I think moving closer would be harder for me personally as I would move to a town/city where I wouldn't know anyone and would also be further away from my family and friends. I am trying to look on the positive side of this suggestion, but It just doesn't seem viable.

Yes, somedays I cope ok but others are quite tough. I haven't let it get on top of me with regards to my work, which seems my only outlet at the moment. Just seems to be a vicous circle at the moment as after handing my son back at the end of the weekend also upsets me. Hopefully it will get easier over time, but just seems like I'm in an impossible situation at the moment and there's nothing I can do to get out of it.

I understand....it's a period of re-adjustment that you never asked for or wanted.

It appears you find solace in your work and that's a good thing, it's best to try and keep busy and try not to give yourself too much thinking time....family and friends are important at dark times in our lives and its great that you have their love and support.

Small children are often hit and miss as far as talking on the phone or Facetime is concerned, my grandson is the same! All the changes in his little life must be so confusing for him.

Hi everyone,

Would I need my ex's consent to pick our son up from the nursery that she has placed him in, even though I'm his father and have parental responsibility. There is not court order in place, she "lets" me see him every other weekend.

Theoretically you shouldn't but if the nursery don't know you they may not release him into your care.

She could get funny with you, or call the police....it's such a grey area, some police forces recognise it as a civil matter and won't get involved where there is PR, but some do get involved.

Thank you,

I originally asked her if she had given my details to the nursery, she stated that she didn't. She then sent me an email saying that she has given me as an "emergency contact". Which is the same as her mother, who picks him up everyday.

He would love that I woiuld be there to collect him, same as when he was at his previous. He was so happy.

I just don't understand why I would need her consent to pick my own son up from his nursery as I have him for this week.

You could contact the nursery and confirm with them that you are on the contact list. If you've got him for the full week it would make sense to pick him up...can't you put that to the mother?

I will contact them later today.

I have stated that to his mother, but she replied "I’d rather you didn’t actually, its out of his routine and I wouldn’t want to unsettle him." Funny how she didn't see this when I picked him up from his previous nursery.

So she hasn't given an outright no then...that's a little encouraging! I'd say work on her and remind her how happy he was when you used to pick him up. He'd soon get used to the new routine, children are very resilient. You just want to be involved and picking our little ones up from school/nursery is a big part of that when they are so little, it's such a boost to see how happy they are to see you at pick up time!

She has now said "If you want to collect him then you can go with my Mum. You do not have consent to collect him from the nursery by yourself."

Another small step in the right direction! So I would suggest when you go take a copy of your sons birth certificate to prove you have PR and request that you be placed on the contact list, to be informed of any changes/issues that might arise in the future. If you have PR you have certain rights and being kept informed by the nursery is one of them. Just keep working at it...

Thanks Nannyjane, you've been a great help in my situation.

Just phoned the nursery, they stated that they are unable to confirm whether my details are on record as I wasn't there when she registered our son at the nursery. Said I would have to speak to my ex about it as I would need her consent.

I suppose this makes sense, as it could be anyone, but all I asked was if they could confirm that they have my details. I've now ordered a copy of my sons birth certificate, but I would still need to go in with my ex.

So frustrating how she is seemingly able to register him without my consent and I can't even give them my contact details without her being there.

I'm pretty sure you don't need your es consent if you have PR.....here's a link -

www.thecustodyminefield.com/Factsheets/TCM-PR-Print.pdf

Thank you again, I will be writing a letter to the nursery to advise them of the statutory framework.

Just done a bit of research and found the following from a nursery, is this a standard rule among all nurseries?

"In the event of disputes between parents that have not been through the courts, we cannot prevent the child from being collected by one of the parents. The other parent will be contacted to inform them that their child has been collected. The child’s best interests and welfare are of paramount importance and every effort will be made to avoid distressing scenes in front of the child. A Working in Partnership meeting will be held with both parents to come to a mutual arrangement"

Nurseries are regulated by local authorities and there is an early years directive, this could be part of that. It might be a good idea to print this off and give a copy to the nursery but reassure them that you are not there just to cause trouble but to move forward as informed adults. Perhaps a working partnership meeting with you both and the nursery manager might provide a platform of better understanding and a fairer way of doing things. You do have rights and these must be acknowledged in my opinion. It also shows that you are prepared to,do whatever it takes within the accepted framework to be involved in your child's life.

Good luck!

I have just sopken to the manager of the nursery in question, who has told me that because I wasn't there to register my child then she cannot send me any progress reports/etc. I said that I'm not sure if that is correct, she stated that she would have to speak to her legal dept/lawyer to confirm that. I said that I would be writing a letter to her, to which she instantly replied that I would need to go into the centre to register as his parent. She also said that I would need to speak to my ex to arrange this. Unfortunately, because of the distance and lack of holiday entitlement remaining, I will be unable to do this. I looked at the custody minefield website and found a template letter that I can use.

This is the letter that I was going to send:

Dear Zoe,

I am the father of ******** and I understand ******* attends your centre.

I understand that the Statutory Framework for the Early Years Foundation Stage encourages a partnership with the children’s parents, and I look forward to receiving information about my child’s progress and development. I would be grateful for invitations to any parent’s evenings or similar events which you may hold such as nativity plays or other occasions which parents are normally invited to attend.

I would also be appreciative if you would record my contact details on my child’s file.

The Statutory Framework for the Early Years Foundation Stage sets out the child care providers’
Duty to work in partnership with parents. Paragraph 1.16 states:

"Close working between early year’s practitioners and parents is vital for the identification of children’s learning needs and to ensure a quick response to any area of particular difficulty. Parents and families are central to a child’s well-being and practitioners should support this important relationship by sharing information and offering support for extending learning in the home."

The Glossary section within each National Standard document defines a parent as “anyone who holds Parental Responsibility for a child”.

I look forward to hearing from you, and if you wish to speak to me directly, please telephone me on

Yours sincerely,

I am one of my grandsons contacts at his school, I didn't have to attend in person to be registered as one of the contacts though! They're going to try and justify their stance but just keep at it and I'm sure you will get there!

I have sent the letter to the nursery, still awaiting a response from them.

Anyway, new matters now.

Our son has been waiting for an operation for nearly a year, I received a letter from the hospital saying that the operation has been scheduled for the next 2 weeks. Obviously my ex has changed his doctors to one nearer to her which is understandable. I am talking through my ex's parents now as my ex is currently being very difficult to talk to all of a sudden (maybe she is coming to terms about what she has done). SO I sent a text to her parents telling them about the operation.

"I've received a letter from the hospital about *** operation. It's for . Not sure what's happening with the doctors up there. Im happy to take the day off to take him. Let me know as I need to tell the hospital asap either way. Thanks.

They replied with: "Could you cancel the appointment please as obviously *** has changed Drs now and we need to let them arrange something from this end. Naturally we'll keep you posted with any developments. "

I then said: "Would it be possible to speak about this later on the phone please. Obviously I don't know any time frames etc but I think this is important. I don't really think we should delay this any further than it already has. We've been waiting a long time for this. Like I said I don't know what the timeframe will be up there (which is what I would like to discuss later), as I understand that he hasn't even had the initial consultation yet. So could be months before anything is arranged. If you have received any information about this then let me know. Otherwise I think the sooner we get this done the better."

I really don't see what the issue is here, its our sons health. Why delay the op even longer?!

If she will not budge I think it's too important an issue to back off from....

Does the medical condition he has effect his quality of life in any way, if you can answer yes to that question I would have a word with Childrens Services and ask if there is something that can be done to make sure he has the operation he has been waiting a year for.

The other thing you might consider is a Specific Issue Order. You can apply as an emergency because of the time limitations. This would be done on the C100 form. When you take the form into court tell them you are making an emergency application and you want the case to be heard ASAP.

Hi all, my ex has now stopped overnight contact stating that he is unsettled for 2 days after he has been with me for the weekend. I have sent two solicitors letters and she is still not being reasonable. She has lied to he solicitor saying that my son feels unsafe in my care and that I will need to drive 2and a half hours to take him out from 10 - 5.

I think I'm going to have to go to the courts as she does not drive and her father has stopped meeting me halfway. Would the courts order her to get a train or bus halfway? It's not fair that he was taken away from me and that I have to do all the driving.