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Can anyone offer any advise - sorry for the long post but I don't know what to do next.
I have a 9 month old son with my ex-partner. We split before we knew she was pregnant but both agreed we split for the right reasons and that I would still be involved with our son. As the pregancy progressed it became clear she wanted to give things another go but I made it clear this wasn't going to happen. Our son was born and everything was going well until I met my new partner. I was still allowed to see my son but only for 3 or 4 hours when it fitted in with my ex's plans and only at my parents house (I'm a man of 30 with my own home) so that my ex could be sure my new partner would not meet my son. I reluctantly agreed even though I wanted to get my son used to his home with me in the belief that I would gradually get more time to see him. My new partner has known from the start about my son and is very supportive and although she wanted to meet him has never pushed for this and never interferred in my contact time or met my son even before my ex requested this. She is 100% supportive of the fact he is number 1.
My new partner then moved in with me as we felt the time was right but also because I needed help with the mortgage and her rental contract was finished. The first time my son was allowed to my house my ex made it clear she didn't want my new partner there. My partner was visiting family 200 miles away anyway but I agreed too that it would be nice for my son and I to have time alone as I was still only seeing him for a few hours at a time.
The second time I had him at my house was great and his Nana was coming to collect him at 3pm. My partner arrived home about 2.45 and went in the kitchen to wash out his bottles ready for him to be collected - she didn't even go in the same room as him. When he was collected his Nana saw my partners car and I haven't been allowed to see my son since even after explaining the above to my ex.
My ex and I have been engaged in a long discussion via solicitor letters where she has accussed me of not being able to care for him and that he is always upset because my partner is there when he visits (netiher of these points are true and he is very happy when with me.) She agreed to mediation and has now backed out of this.
I don't know where to go next? I miss my son and am desperate to see him but don't want to cause a scene by going round there. I would spend every penny I have on sorting this out but my ex gets legal aid and I don't,what good is getting access if I am homeless in the process. My partner is contributing to solicitor bills so we can persue this but can my ex continue to refuse to engage with mediation and if we go to court how long will it take for me to see my son? Also what limitations can she put on the access I may eventually get? My partner is willing to go out on the days I have him but eventually I want them to meet so he can stay over and I want them to form a relationship whilst he is young. I haven't done anything wrong yet my son is being denied a Dad. I completely appreciate concerns over new partners and will have the same concerns when my ex finds someone but my new partner is a doctor (she even has criminal checks as part of her job which she has offered to show my ex,) she is willing to meet with my ex so they can get to know each other, has offered to go out when my son comes over until he gets used to my house and is aware that my son will always be my number one priority. We have talked about her moving out and I would then actually qualify for legal aid if her income wasn't coming into the house but I can't see my ex being reasonable in the near future and my partner and I haven't done anything wrong so why should we be bullied into this.
I just want to see my son and even now am willing to be flexiable and want to be amicable but my ex is refusing and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for any advise.
Hi LAC and welcome to DadTalk
I will pass on your post to the Legal team who are in a much better position to comment.
Hi LAC
Sounds like you ex is rather bitter and is using access to your son as way of getting back at you, and also trying to come between you and your new partner - unfortunately, this is not too uncommon.
Since SM has passed this onto the Children's Legal Centre, they'll give more comprehensive advice than I can, so the only thing I'll say is to make sure you keep evidence (including a diary) of all that is happening, including evidence that you have tried to go to mediation and that your ex has backed out.
Hi, just wanted to post a quick update. Ex was told she had to attend mediation as she is using legal aid. We had the meeting which I felt was very much sided with her and the outcome was I can see my son at the weekend at my parents house. My ex is so far dictating which day and for how long and is has gradually inc. from 2 to 4 hours. I text her about once a week (agreed in mediation) to see how he is and so far it has been civil. I found out today that he is starting nursery on Monday and feel a bit upset that my partner didn't discuss with me first - not to get my perission but just so I am kept informed of what is happening in his life. I am also feeling a little wound up by the fact he will be allowed to spend a whole day in a nursery but he's still not allowed a whole day with me. I have to let my solicitor go so I am walking on egg shells that I'll be perceived to do something wrong and go back to square one but I cn also see that others have some very difficult times at present on the forum and although I feel my ex is excluding me from my sons life I do know that she is a good Mum and he is safe and well cared and I hope by being patient it will make our relationship increasingly amicable.
Hi LAC
Thanks for the update. I'm sorry that things are still so strained between you and your ex - 4 hours once a week to see your son isn't very long is it. I hope that if things can be kept amicable she will agree to more but there's no guarantee. Ultimately it is your son who will suffer if he doesn't see you regularly.
I see that your original post was sent to the Children's Legal Centre for their response but it doesn't look as though they replied so I will re-send today and hopefully we will get a response over the next few days. You have already looked at posts from other dads along the same lines, so I guess you have a pretty good picture of what can happen and the various outcomes in their particular cases.
Hang in there and don't lose heart.
The best advice I can give at the moment is to stick with it for a few months, and assuming all goes well, ask your ex for increased contact - if she refuses, then go back to mediation again, and if she refuses this or you can't come to an arrangement, go to court for a contact order - there is nothing to prevent you going back to court to seek or vary an order at any time. As long as the contact is going well, no court is going to reduce your contact times, and they work under the presumption that regular contact with both parents is best for the child (unless there is a compelling reason to restrict this, which it doesn't sound like there is in your case) - for this reason, there is no reason why you shouldn't represent yourself (the courts make allowances for this, and don't expect a polished performance), and ask for overnight stays etc.
Dear LAC,
Please accept out apologises for not responding to your thread earlier.
If you have parental responsibility you should be informed about decisions which affect your daughter relating to issues such as schooling and medical treatment. If your name is on your daughter’s birth certificate you will have parental responsibility. If your name is not on the child’s birth certificate and you do not have a parental responsibility agreement or a parental responsibility order issued by the court you will not have parental responsibility.
To acquire parental responsibility you can complete a PRA1 with your former partner which should be signed by both of you. If the mother will not agree to you gaining parental responsibility you can apply for a parental responsibility order using a form called a C1. Both applications should be present to the family proceedings court closest to where your son is living. You can download these forms from http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/HMCS ... mFinder.do .
If your former partner is being overly restrictive with regards to contact between you and your son you can apply to the family proceedings court for a contact order which would be a legally binding order upon you and your former partner and would provide set times for you to have contact. Contact is the right of the child and the courts do promote contact between children and their parents as long as there are no welfare concerns.
Before applying for a contact order, it would be advisable that you and your former partner attempt to reach an agreement through mediation. The National Family Mediation can provide help for you and your former partner to achieve this; their telephone number is: 01392 271610. If you do apply to court for an order the judge will look to whether you have attempted to reach an agreement outside of the court and he/she may not look favourable upon your application if he/she does not feel you have adequately attempted to reach an agreement before applying to the court.
If you cannot reach an agreement outside of the courts then a court order may be necessary. To make an application for a contact order you need to complete a form called C100 which you can download from http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/HMCS ... mFinder.do . There are two other forms, CB1 and CB3, which you can also download from the above web site which are guidance notes for completing the C100 and the process that that entails.
The application will cost £200. It may be worth completing an EX160 if you feel you are exempt from this fee. The guidance notes for this form are called an EX160A. You should then submit this form with your application.
Your ex partner will be able to contest your application for a contact order but a Judge will decide what form of contact should be made available to you.
If you have any further questions please do contact us on 0808 8020 008.
Yours sincerely,
The Children’s Legal Centre
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