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Hi - and thanks for reading. You have helped in the past and hope you can guide me again.
Me and Ex split up February 2011. She then took my daughter who is nearly 4 years old now, and moved 30 - 40 minutes away from me and put her in a nursery by the new house.
I have paid CSA every month without fail ( direct agreement I think it's called where they don't collect the money themselves, I just pay standing order ) and I also put regular amounts into savings. We verbally agreed that I have my daughter Friday night to Monday morning every other weekend, plus extra nights as and when if my working situation permits. I have also, over the last year on many occasions drove over to the nursery during the week and took Grace out of Nursery for a few hours, when I am not too busy with work.
Lately, my ex has started turning the screw on me. For what reason I do not know, but I can only assume she is struggling financially as she has never been able to look after her money very well. She started demanding more money from me a couple of months ago, even though I pay the amount required by the CSA. I couldn't do this, and even if I could, I would rather put the money into Grace' savings/trust fund so that I know Grace is definitely getting the benefit of it. This made matters worse and she started to try changing access arrangements to be awkward. She said that I either have to have Grace every weekend, or every day in the week - my choice. Due to work hours ( alot of evenings and weekends) and also the distance between me and the nursery ( 30 - 40 minutes ) I can not change my current arrangements of every other weekend. I told her this 3 weeks ago. Since then I have tried every other night during the week to phone and speak to my Daughter before she goes to bed, she never answers. I have still had her every other weekend as agreed.
Yesterday ( Friday 14th ) I phoned the nursery to tell them I would be over for 11a.m to pick Grace up just for a few hours and take her for lunch etc. 10 minutes later I get a text from my ex saying that I am not allowed to get Grace out of nursery. I ignored the text and I got to the nursery and the manager called me into the office. She said that they had to call my ex to let her know (which is why i got the text from the ex ). I asked if they can stop me taking her out of Nursery and they said No they cannot, as there is no court order or anything like that. I took her out for lunch and let my ex know that I had spoken to them about it. She then agreed that she cannot stop me getting Grace but only every other Friday when it is my weekend.
On the weekends I have her, my Mom and Dad liked to pick her up mid pm on the Friday from nursery and spend a few quality hours with her. Unfortunately my Mom died in July, but my Dad has carried on the routine of picking her up. My nasty ex has seized on our unfortunate situation, and told me yesterday that my dad is no longer allowed to pick her up from Nursery ! Only I am allowed to she says.
My questions are this :-
Can she stop my Dad picking Grace up on the Fridays every other weekend ? Could I call the nursery and tell them my Dad is picking her up to get around it ?
Can i legally go to the nursery as I have been, when get a few spare hours and take her out ?
To clarify - Grace was born 2008, I am biological father and on the birth certificate. Me and Ex were not married.
I hope you can assist as I am getting very fed up with my ex changing things all the time and need to know where i stand.
Thanks
Noel.
Hi Noel,
Sorry to hear to about your unfortunate situation. I'm new here and no expert but believe I can advise on this as I have been through similar.
Is your Dad named on the nursery forms as someone who is eligible or able to pick Grace up from nursery? Clearly they will not hand your daughter over to just anybody but if they know him through regular contact then I'm sure they will have no problem, but legally he needs to be named on the forms which provide who can/cannot pick her up/drop her off at nursery. If Grace was born in 2008 and you are named on the birth certificate then you have Parental Responsibility which entitles you to be involved in any decision-making regarding your child's education/nursery, including those who are able to pick your daughter up from nursery.
The nursery cannot prevent you from taking Grace at any time as you are her father and, as I assume, have Parental Reponsibility - depending on their procedures you may need to provide proof of this, however have you thought about the bigger picture? Is this likely to alienate your ex and inhibit additional contact outside of nursery? I've no doubt that your daughter will be delighted to see you but have you thought about the impact on her routine, etc. when she knows she is going to nursery and that is disrupted by being taken out?
I'm sorry to perhaps ask difficult questions but I have been a resident father for the preceding six months and if I found out that my ex was disrupting our daughter's routine/nursery arrangements then I would not be happy. Finally, you say that your ex has offered you the opportunity to have Grace every weekend/every night in the week - I appreciate that this may not be possible due to work commitments but most dad's on here would kill to have that time with their child(ren) so, I'm sorry but, whatever it takes, make it happen!
Hi - and thanks for your quick reply.
Just to clarify, the reason I cannot commit to every week night is that in my job ( Estate planning and will writing ) I can only see my clients in the evening - I wasn't home until 11pm on 2 nights this week. As a single guy with limited family who could help me out - it is not feasible. I also have to mop up on weekends the clients I couldn't see in the week. This is why every other weekend for 3 nights works best as I make sure I am not working any of those days. This is also why as most of my work is in the evenings, I get alot of days where free in the day and easy to get my Daughter. I understand that once starts school next September there is no way I can do what I do now - but as far as I am concerned, at her current very young age, a couple of hours a week is hardly disrupting a routine at present. Some kids don't even get the chance to go to full-time nursery at this age, so there is no harm being done to her education at present. Anyway, my question wasn't about my arrangements of every other weekend access.
My Dad is named on the forms as to who can pick Grace up, but as to whether my ex can remove my Dads name from these forms without my permission, that i don't know ?
This is how unreasonable my ex is ISDAD - when she said I either have her every weekend, or every weeknight, my working circumstances were a bit different. I said to her, OK, I will have her every weekday. She then would not allow me to move Grace to a new nursery by where I live ( IE I would still have to commute a 1 hour plus round trip twice a day ) and also I would not have been able to transfer child benefit and tax credits to my name ! This is what I am constantly up against. And now that we have just lost Grace's Nan (my Mom) to cancer, my ex has decided to try and turn the screw stopping my Dad picking Grace up. This is how evil, bitter and twisted she is.
Hope you are getting a picture of my circumstances to help.
If your Dad is named as someone who is entitled to pick Grace up from nursery then there is nothing she can do (at present) to prevent him - he may need to push it a little but unless she is there also and causing a scene, which could be detrimental to Grace's best interests, then he is legally entitled to pick her up. And again, no expert, but if you have Parental Responsibilty then you are entitled to be involved in your daughter's educational (including nursery) decision-making. As far as I am aware she cannot remove him from the list without your input (although all nursery's can be different) and, without a court order, there is nothing legally binding to prevent him - the nursery may not like it but there is nothing they can do.
I didn't mean to be challenging or confrontational with my previous post but, were this situation to progress any further with court involvement, there is the potential that this issue could be used against you. In my experience it is best to log everything, from contact that your daughter particularly enjoyed to that which didn't materialise and the CCLC - www.childrenslegalcentre.com - can offer amazing free legal advice if you do not have a solicitor instructed and can be a valuable resource regardless of whether you anticipate going down that route.
Hi Noel,
From a legal point of view you share parental responsibility for the child with the mother, and you both share all the rights and responsibilities which a parent would have by law over the child. You do therefore have the right to collect the child from the nursery, as does the mother of the child. The child's mother could try to contact the nursery to point out that the grandfather has no legal rights or parental responsibility over the child, and therefore does not have the right to collect him from the nursery, however I would advise you to contact the nursery and to check their policies on this issue, especially if your father is named on the nursery forms.
If you have any further questions please contact one of our legal advisors on 08088 020 008 or via our webchat facility.
Coram Children’s Legal Centre
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