[Solved] Feel sick, headaches and ill

Have you tried mediation? Obviously the better way of doing things.

Have her fella charged and make him take responsability for his actions.

Im afraid its still the same answer from me with regards to contact, some may disagree, get your case to court and get defined contact.

Its a long, and can be expensive, haul but Im glad I did this within 4 weeks as the pattern of access which my ex was trying to force on our children was stopped.

Only you can decide and whatever you decide you will be supported via this forum.

Regards,

Dave

I have not tried mediation Dave as always wanted to remain friendly.

The assault took place 5 weeks ago now and reporting it may make matters worse (that's my only concern)

Could a mediation order be made law.

I have no qualms with going court just worried about my hours being reduced. How did you cope with the headaches and worry?

Regards

Mediation I would hope would make things easier as it is neutral ground to discuss and hopefully reach agreement.

Could you suggest mediation to her, write a letter maybe?

You can go to a mediator who will contact her but it may be better that you do first.

Anything agreed in mediation can be drawn up by a court and made binding. It i generaly kinder and cheaper for all. It does rely on both parties being open to it and being willing to meet half way.

My concern for you is that your ex may never be reasonable.

If you go to court you may get your hours increased which is what happened to me.

Headaches and worry....no magic bullet I am afraid.

All I can say is be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be upset but only for a short while and then dust yourself off and find a diversion.

The headaches and nausia are stress.

Go for a run or the gym, find a diversion and give yourself some time out from thinking about the situation.

Have you been to see your GP about stress?

I found CBT helpfull, sent on it by my GP.

Regards,

Dave

Hi Dave and thanks again,

I suggested mediation via email a few months ago on several occasions but I got no reply from her. When my family are back off holiday and I have my strength and support again I will suggest mediation to her again and if I am ignored or we can't compromise on contact that is fairer I will get a mediator to contact her.

If we come to a agreement via a mediator I would get it drawn up by court then.

I know when my next contact is with my daughter, 14 nights away through one thing and another (all my ex's doings)

A long time which is partly why I'm feeling so low tonight. I'm just thinking when my family are back it will be easier to go down the path of mediation as I will have them around me to support me, they are back in 12 days.

I then know what contact she wants to introduce, and plan on going mediation if we have not compromised on something within 2 weeks of my daughter starting nursery in September.

It's the switching off I can't do and this is what is making me ill, I jump when I receive an email or text on my phone but you are right I need to find diversions. I have not seen a GP but it may be an option.

I really appreciate the help and chat!

Thank you Dave

Regards Justme

Hi Justme,

I know the feeling of anxiety and the jumping well.

Divert your attention when you can. Get out, speak to others, go for a run etc.

I even called tha Samaritans a few times. Give it a go mate and get things of your chest.

I also shouted, screamed and cried. (Our little secret, dont tell anyone).

I also like to read a little and posted some poems on one of the other parts of the forum. Invictus, Desiderata and If all give me a bit of inspiration when Im low.

Im waffling now and still have the kitchen to finish before my social services visit tomorrow....Im cacking it but will be glad to get it over.

Reach out anytime Justme...

Regards,

Dave

hi justme,

i advise you to go to mediation before court as in my past situation i found it very costly because i went to court first, only for the judge to order i had a couple of mediation sessions first. if you get something drawn up in mediation, its not legally binding but if things start out ok then go pear shaped, a judge would look upon this agreement and probably make an order for it.

if you have already contacted your ex on a few occasions about attending mediation and you got no reply, keep your emails and print them off then go direct to mediation to let them contact her. once a date has been set for a meeting, if she doesnt turn up then mediation will inform the court of this, if and when you decide to take this route.

if nothing can be agreed in the first meeting then its probably best to give it a little time before trying a second session, let the dust settle a bit as things can get quite heated. also make sure its only you and your ex there and not her partner as well as he could influence her.

best of luck

aaron

Thanks Aaron

I contacted a solicitor this morning, but he was all gun ho! "Let's go to court" "I don't believe in mediation" "it's a waste of time" etc. This has frightened me a little as I thought he old say lets try mediation then court. I'm stuck as what to do now!

As Aaron says, you might get to court and be ordered to mediation anyway! The solicitor is probably on a money making exercise...don't do anything you're not happy with is my advice.

Thanks Jane, I have pm'd you thanking you before I seen this message.

Thanks so much for your help.

You and a few others have said mediation is the way to go and I will follow your advice as its a friendlier option I think.

hi justme,

I agree that mediation is very much a waste of time, i knew the outcome of my mediation session before i even went in but trust me when i say, the judge thought i was wasting his time by going directly to court and missing out mediation. Its not only a waste of time but a waste of money, it cost me £100 for each session, i had 2 failed sessions and refused a third as my ex only wanted to drain extra money from my pocket and trying to waste time. it took 2 sessions before the judge decided he was happy enough that an order had to be made.

Unfortunately its seeing to be doing a lot of the time in cases where the issues are intractable.

You need to try it at least once to demonstrate it does not work. If by chance it works you do not lose anything.

I would also advise you one of the biggest pitfalls is that so much money gets chucked into solicitors at an early stage to rant there is no money by the time you are in court.

You other half is not offering the wednesday probably fully well knowing your situation. I am also concerned someone who is assaults you also has more direct contact to your child than you. Therefore it is something that will be needed to be brought in front of the courts and even considering a non-molestation order and a c1a......

BW

For everyone that mediation doesn't work for there is someone that it has worked for... It is the accepted first step these days and as Boycie quite rightly says its being seen to be doing... It might cost upwards of £200 but that's a drop in the ocean compared to what solicitors fees can be.

The assault worries me too, but I can understand justme's reluctance to take it further too... Am I right in remembering that you did speak to the police about it justme? If that's the case it will be on file just not acted upon....yet.

Yes Jane I went to the Police the night of the assault and had a discussion with them for well over 30 minutes, I was not seriously hurt and do not feel threatened or intimidated by this Man.

I honestly hand on heart 1 billion percent believe this man will not hurt my daughter in the slightest, if I had the slightest concern he would be reported to the police instantly, I would remove my Daughter from the house and inform social services instantly. There are another 2 children in the house, one of which is his own who he has fully custody of since he was a baby. I don't think he is a bad man I just think he is jealous of my for some reason (perhaps because my ex and I used to get on pretty well until the assault happened) I hand on heart know he won't hurt my daughter, she would tell me and my ex would also not allow it. I know he is a set in his ways and believes in grounding children etc, but I am certain he would not harm my daughter. There would be signs like she would be unhappy with us and she would tell other family members.

It won't be on record as they did not take a statement, plus there where no witnesses apart from his son, so it's a matter of his word against mine, there was damage inside his house where i struggled to free myself (it was more of a scuffle than an assault) I went to hospital so there will be records and I have photographs.

I just decided to not escalate issues it would be better to let it lie and see if once the dust settles we can move on from here, it may be the wrong decision but as I'm still getting contact I did not want to risk not seeing my daughter whilst the situation got even worse and court proceedings started.

I don't know if I have done the right thing! I just did what I thought was the best thing to do at the time to keep regular contact with my daughter, I'm concerned about his temper when with me that's why we have no contact but my daughter never talks about him only her mum and brother so I think that says he has no real influence in her life even though they live together.

I pray to god I have done the right thing by not pressing charges, I just believe in the long run this may help the situation, rather than having a person in my life with a vendetta out to get me, at least if charges are not pressed hopefully things will settle.

I only took this course of action as I believe it's in the best interest of my daughter and my contact with her.

I just hope I am right.

Even if you didn't make a statement it could still be on file. If you had wanted them to act upon it then they would have taken a statement from you.....at least that's my understanding.

Unfortunately mate the majority of father's experiences on this site is that the situation does not get better. Clearly this is a skewed population where the ones who get contact dont necessarily end up posting again.

Get your police report back under the data protection act. You can request it through the police website.

If your wife was in the same position would she have reported your partner????

That's the thing Boycieuk, he has convinced her I assaulted him by the sounds of things! There where no independent witnesses so in theory she could have asked him to press charges against me, she claims (All a bluff I'm sure) that he wanted to press charges but she talked him out of it. Again it's a grey area as only me and him know the truth, from this I have gathered he is very manipulative and others have told me this, I will just always be aware of him now.

Your right Nannyjane the police where more than willing to press charges, they where encouraging me as he had tried to gouge my eyes, but after explaining the situation to them a female officer said " I agree with your concerns about contact" "I can't advise you what to do but I would go with your instincts"

I'm hoping Boycieuk that's as she has offered me 30 hours split over 2 days of each week I can work on this schedule and gradually up the contact instead if inflaming the situation as some people have advised me 30 hours is about average due to my daughters age and I respect those people's opinion greatly.

Thank you for your advice and correspondences Boycieuk it's really good and helpful to hear other people's thought and ideas as it is good therapy for me, good luck with your fight and take care.

The idea of you having contact is for you to have quality time with your child, which you wont do if you are at work! And that is something that the Mediators and the Court will be saying as well and that could the ex or her mother change days.

We have turned very much into a court culture, and everyone goes to Court at the drop of a hat, which is why mediation was brought in ...no it does not always work, or one party does not attend, but it does also show willingness to discuss...which is a good thing and "reasonable".

Oh and btw it sounds like if the police were urging you to have the partner charged, the police may know the partner!

It's important you feel comfortable with any action you decide to take justme....I'm sure the police will have documented your attendance at the police station.

Oh yes I agree, I was not meaning to imply otherwise, and the police will defo have documented the attendance.

...if it ever gets to court and there are allegations that you assaulted the BF you will have the back up of the police documentation and the hospital attendance and photos...

Hello Enyamachaela I have decided to remove myself from the situationnforva few days to give me time to recharge the battery so I won't be able to reply for a while....... Sorry.

I agree with your point about Wednesdays access and its something I am going to bring up on return from my holiday. Worse case scenario as it stands is I have 30 hours spread 24 hours Wednesday 8am to Thursday 8am and 6 hours on a Saturday 9am to 3pm.

I work shifts, 6 to 2, 2 to 10 or 10 to 6 on a Wednesday rotating weekly. The night shift would not be an issue as whilst my daughter is asleep I would be at work after putting her to bed, I would also be there when she wakes up. Afternoons I would book off every Wednesday afternoon shift is I'm with her 24 hours. The morning shift is the only one that bothers me as I would miss out on 6 hours but I would try to arrange to leave early if a colleague could help out.

This is not ideal I know but it's time with my daughter, this is merely my ex's proposal which I have not got back to yet, what I am going to suggest is to keep the Wednesday as it is but for me to also have contact with my daughter from tea time Friday to tea time Saturday, if she does not agree to this I will ask for the 6 hours to be on a Wednesday and for the 24 hour period to be over the weekend either Friday tea time to Saturday tea time or Saturday morning to Sunday morning. I may even ask for a few hours after nursery on a Monday.

Once I have the reply I will decide what to do from there, I'm just mindful 30 hours seems the norm for a child my daughters age but believe me I want her 24/7 so will always ask for more contact.

hi justme,

does your employer have a family leave policy? i had to change my start and finish times at work to accomodate being with my son and its my understanding that by law anyone with parental responsability is entitled to time off or to change working pattern to be with their child until they are 16 years old. it used to be 5 years old but it changed not too long ago.

i would check out the employment law and also the "childrens act 1989". hope this helps.

aaron

Hi Aaron

My sister is head of HR for a large firm ans she informed me the same thing today. I will look into it when I return to work on Tuesday, but if they don't I can work around it with shift swoops and favours etc.

Regards Justme

I thought the employer was under an obligation to consider the application, but could refuse under operational grounds.

Hi Justme

Sorry you have such a headbashing! I know how that feels.

You must do what you feel is right for you and your daughter of course, I was just pointing something out that is important if it caused you difficulty or not to see your daughter if you had to work. 🙂 Especially if your ex was trying to control you/the situation. No criticism is intended at all...well maybe just of the ex! LOL!

I am unsure as to the employment side of things....so many new rules have come in! I think that there are rights...but actd could be right that under operational grounds it could be refused too. But if you sister works in HR, she will be so up to date on it all!

Its hard writing things sometimes but I am just telling you what I would tell a client 🙂 But I guess face to face can be easier sometimes 🙂