Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: We are not open to new posts at this time
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Looking for some advice and guidance on what to do please.
Been seperated since 2011 and decree absolute in May this year. Have my own place and have my 2 daughters on average 50% of the week,.
Problem is this, my ex is a nurse and up until now the agreement (which is only between us and was not in any of the divorce etc) is that I have the girls when she is at work. She only works 3 or 4 days a week but obviously not all in row and over 7 days.
I have started to get frustrated recently that I have to live my life with less that 3 or 4 weeks notice of which days I have my daughters and yet I am expected to give over 2 months notice of any days that I am not able to have them and even then she will not guarentee that she will be able to be off.
Occaisionally she will ask if I can have the kids an extra day so she can pick up additional work from an agency, however they do not let you know until 24hrs ahead, and this time when I said no to covering she went ballistic. Have also requested that she asks for a fixed shift pattern (which I know the NHS will grant given new laws on assisting parents) and she has essentially refused.
All I want is to be able to know the exact days I have my kids well in advance or in a pattern so I can plan things on days when I do not have them without feeling like I have to 'get permission'. This will also be better for the kids as they will know exactly where they are week to week.
I the last reply i got via (a rather unpleasent) text I was accused of not taking my responsibilities and then threatened with the CSA (we have no formal maintainence agreement due to the 50/50 nature of care).
This is all getting out of hand after what I thought was a reasonable request. Have asked to discuss this face to face but she refuses.
All advice on what I should do next very welcome.
i have had a situation relatively similar to this.
i have my daughter every other weekend and then more time during school holidays etc, my ex loves changing plans on her own accord and it leaves me feeling frustrated sometimes.
Its difficult because you do not want to be seen as causing problems, but sometimes their decisions create problems.
In advice to your problem, the only thing that i can suggest is perhaps sitting down and talking to your ex and try to come to a compromise, explain to her (possibly again) that her not working regular shifts is causing you problems. this may not come to anything which would be a shame as they only next step that i can imagine would be going through courts, explaining that your contact is varied week on week and seeing what they say.
Hope this has been some help?
Hi there DrP
I think this situation could be resolved through mediation, or at least you will be given an opportunity to get your point across without fear of fireworks!
It is unfair that you are expected to fit your life around her shifts... She could move to clinic work which would be 9-5 Monday to Friday, or as you say asking for a fixed shift pattern. I used to work for the NHS and I know how flexible they are!
Here's a link to the mediation service
www.nfm.org.uk
There is a charge for this, but well worth it if you can get something sorted out. The only other option would be to apply to court for a contact order but this should always be the very last resort, and there are no guarantees you would come out of court with the contact you asked for.
You might like to consider Relate, they are not just for couples in difficulty, they are also there to help resolve problems after separation and can provide counselling that will help. Here's a link
www.relate.org.uk
I don't have experience of nursing, but surely they must generally work the rotas out at least a month in advance?
- Samaritans – call 116 123
- Shout – text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258
