[Solved] Getting messy

sorry, have lot to get off my chest. may take a few posts.

So she did leave but this time left my daughter and for about a week had no contact with her. She told her parents I threw her out because a guy said she looked hot and that was it. When she did come for my daughter she said she wasnt comming back to me. Since then I have struggled emtionally with everything.
In our relationship we had an understanding as I have a very good job that pays very well. She pays for nothing, no rent, no bills, no council tax, no anything except our daughters nursery fees as we both work. About a day after she said she wasnt coming back I recieved a call from the nursery saying that my daughter would not be allowed to come back as the fees have not been paid for 4 months. Only 4 weeks ago I bought my ex another car, well financed it for her as she could not get finance under the agreement she would pay the monthly payments. Of course the payments never came as it all happened when I found out about the other guy so I took the car away from her. She is denying the fact that there is something happening with this other guy although social networking sites and 100 texts and calls a day seem to suggest otherwise as well as the fact thata her best friend let it slip that she was in love with him.
Now the messy bit, my daughter hates us both, she does not want to spend anytime with either of us as I'm emtionally a wreck and her mother has her sleeping on a couch at her friends house as she cant go back to her parents due to the lies she has told. She wants from me £600 a month cm plus a car so she can get about. She has also threatened to take full custody and restrict my access.

As I mentioned before I have a good job, I work 5 days on 4 off and plus holidays I get a total of 189 days off a year. I will contribute to welfare of my child but not so she herself can maintain a lifestyle that she is used too.
We are not married but her name is on the tennancy agreement, she spent my money which I put in her ISA allowance, the deposits for the car, the car payments, nursery payments, the holiday I paid for as well as other money I gave her to get her by till payday all verbal agreements where do I stand? Would I be able to go for custody of my daughter due to the fact I would be able to provide a more stable enviroment and at the very least a bed?

This as all happend in the last 12 days, way too fast for me and i've no idea how it was got to this so quickly. I do have an appointment with a solicitor on Monday but what should I be asking? What should I be doing just now? I cant call for fear of harrassing her to speak to my daughter, I am surrounded by all her stuff, all memories, I'm very lonely at this time and cant switch my mind off. Oh and my lanlord is having the house repossessed just to top it off. I'll get a new house easily but man 😥

oh we live in Scotland and both her names are on the birth certificate although she now wants to change her surname hers!

Hi clippedwings,

Welcome to DadTalk mate - my word what a 6 months both you and your partner have gone through. You must feel terrible - I would normally say at this point that I would ask the Childrens Legal Centre to pop by and look at your posts - however your in Scotland and legal system differs so I would advise you to contact the Scottish Child Law Centre on 0131 667 6333 for legal advice, regarding access etc. However Maintenance advice is the same both sides of the border so Child Maintenance Options can give you advice on payments etc. Their handy calculator which can tell you, based on your earnings how much you should be paying is located here. I would, if I were you, give them a call to discuss the best way to sort out maintenance with your ex partner. They can give independent advice on 0800 988 0988 and are open from 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday and 9am to 4pm Saturday.

You sound as if you are very down at the moment. Which to be honest is normal after what you have been through. As painful as it all is you and your ex need to try to come to some sort of agreement as to how you move on from here. The most important person in this situation is obviously your daughter (who you both obviously care very much for) - so the both of you need to find a way to put her first and try to make this as un-traumatic as possible for her.
Easy to say I know, I would suggest mediation - you can ask a mutual friend to act as a mediator between you or seek some professional help. Relate ( http://www.relate.org.uk ) and National Family Mediation ( http://www.nfm.org.uk ) are charities that can help you resolve your relationship problems, while family-friendly lawyers Resolution ( http://www.resolution.org.uk ) specialise in resolving disputes without conflict. Take a look at our article Hating the ex for some advice. Our families and relationship area of the site could also be of use to you.

Too be honest though if you also just want somewhere to vent and get some support the forum is the right place to come - the DadTalk community and myself are more than happy to chat over anything that's on you mind mate.

Gooner :ugeek:

Hi,

An awful situation, and from an objective view, you need to try to get past the bitterness, which is much easier to say than do, I admit. I would suggest that you try to get your ex to go with you to relate, it's possible that the relationship can be saved if that's what you want.

As gooner says, the legal situation is different in Scotland, so I second his advise.

Hi,

Thanks very much for your words of support. It is [censored] hard and I just cant believe how someone I trusted with my life and my daughters life can be so nasty.
When I went to have a meeting with the nursery they told me how my daughter was being effected by all all this and I couldnt believe it! I nearly broke down! Reading those articles has gave me a bit of a better understanding and I'm making positive steps now for the sake of my daughter.
Unfortunately the bitter war of words between my ex is continuing with her rubbing slat in my wounds claiming our daughter is happier than ever when she is with her and doing childish things on social networking sites like changing my sexuality and answering messages from female friends offering words of support who have just heard of our situation.
As I mentioned before I have a meeting with the solicitor tommorrow but unfortunately I will have to take my daughter with me due to childcare issues. Is it too early to be asking questions about custody as the minimum I would want would be 50:50 as I really think there is no going back with my ex altough that is what I really want.

Last thing you said there is that you would really want to get back with your ex, and I would say that that should be your starting point - it's just possible that your ex is thinking the same and until one of you suggests it, it's just going to get worse. I really would explore this before you go ahead with custody etc.