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Hi,
I was wondering on peoples opinions as to whether I am doing the right thing and what other options I have.
Background - my partner and I met in another country (Country X) over 5 years ago, she already had 2 Country X kids from a previous relationship but the father had custody and I had none. After a year she wanted to move to the UK (mainly due to the pressures of the Country X and the increasing cost of living). We came to the UK and moved through a few flats and jobs until I was able to buy a house 2 1/2 years ago for us. A year later a slightly unplanned appearance of our son changed our lives.
After maternity leave and spendding a month back in Country X with our son too my partner got a new job in September 2012, but things seemed to be going down hill. She kept saying she wanted to go back to Country X permanently as she was lonely and fed up in the UK. She had burnt bridges with my parents over small petty things and she was finding it hard to socialise. I was working stupid hours also which has probably not helped the social aspect of things. We had a major barney about it at the end of November where I stopped at my parents with my son and told her to move out if she was that desperate to go but we chatted the day after and managed to get things back on track and we were both working hard on the areas we had highlighted where we were failing each other.
Christmas went well and even included dinner at my parents (with no blood bath or even an argument!) and we evene went to visit my sister and stay over night in a hotel where my parents were staying too (again not even a glimmer of an argument or hostile atmosphere there too!).
On Jan 18th I came home from work and she just said she was moving out on Friday (19th) with our son as she was unhappy. I was stunned. She had rented a flat literally round the corner from our home and was moving in on th 19th. On the 19th I got home and she was pretty much packed and out, took everything for our son except every item my parents had family had bought for him. She left me the house keys and the car keys.
I got my son for 3 nights that weekend then I went to see a solicitor as I was concerned she may go to Country X. When she found out I had been to see a solicitor she refused me access to our son and basically cut off all communication. I didnt see my son for over a week but through some wangling managed to get her to allow me to see her and speak to her. During the chat we talked about access and she was happy for me to have him on any of my days off. I thought we were getting some where. When I asked what she was looking to be doing long term, she said she would really like to go back home. I asked her how long for and she replied permanently. I asked when, and she said as soon as possible. I was furious but amazed I never flipped or showed it. I asked her when she had the tickets booked for and she said February 10th but they were moveable.
i was gobsmacked. Anyway, deserate to keep my cool I asked if I could have our son Friday (1st Feb until wednesday 6th as she had agreed I could have him Sunday to wed previously that conversation) and she agreed, probably in the knowledge it would be, in her eyes, the last time I saw him for a while. I dropped her at the flat and then picked up my son that morning.
between this, I did some text messaging, found out she had got the deposit for the flat from a bank loan, had taken out a payday loan for the flights and a second payday loan to airfreight some heavier goods back to Country X. I decided that I could not let her take my son and contacted my solicitor that morning who scheduled in an emergency court hearing for prohibitive steps for Monday 4th. meanwhile, she doesnt have a clue and I have been digging information out of her about here trip and letting her believe I am prepared to let her take our son and drop them off at the airport too.
She had taken out a bank loan to raise the money for the move, including the deposit for the flat and rent. She has taken out a payday loan for the flight and a second payday loan to airfreight heavier goods back to Country X. I currently have, with her agreement on text, our son until Wednesday although the [censored] will hit the fan on Monday night when she gets the outcome of the emergency court order and the following court date to put her argument across, which should be later that week. She obviously has no intention on seeing good on the loans and this will jeapordise her option to come back to the Uk and hence, my chance to see my son if she leaves without him. BTW, she got our son a Country X passport whilst she was there in summer without my consent.
She finishes work Thursday and is expecting to get the airfrieght stuff done on the Friday before flying out on Sunday. Assuming the court order on Monday goes through I do not plan to give my son back to her care.
Going forward, I am unsure what will happen but would welcome peoples input as this is a horrible situation to be in and I have no idea if I am doing the right thing. It has set me back almost £1500 in solicitors fees and upfront account payemnts so far, I don't expect this to be the end of it either sadly.
I would welcome peoples comments and advice if constructive, and if I have missed stuff out that may be relevant, then ask, I'll say what I can. its confusing, complex and not a good situation right now.
Cheers,
Macflugal
Hi there and welcome 🙂
From what you have said I think you have covered all the bases and done all that you can to prevent your child from being taken from you permanently. As you have had lots of overnight contact with your son, the court will look favourably on this. It wouldnt be appropriate for me to second guess the decision the court will make, but try and remain positive. When you attend court wear a suit if possible as presentation is important. Try not to be rude or abusive about your ex and speak from the heart. Its all about what is best for your son, and that is to have you in his life. If there are strong reasons why the countryX is unsuitable, political unrest, poor education and health system etc then I'm sure your solicitor will highlight these.
Good luck with everything and do let us know the outcome 🙂
Hi Nannyjane,
Thanks for the confidence boost, highly appreciated. First court date is tomorrow and I am nervous. Not really about the court date but about how my ex will respond.
Anyway, I'll keep this updated as I feel it is going to be a hectic week. Work has already started to complicate things by refusing time off so its not started well!
Feel like the most important date is whenever the 2nd hearing is and what is brought up there by her.
Thanks again,
Macflugal.
Update from court yesterday.
Court order, interim prohibited steps order, preventing both parents from removing son from the UK jurisdiction. Next hearing on Thursday, court papers to mother have now been served.
Had a few texts of her of course, demanding I return son, saying she should have just gone with son like everyone said etc, culminated in, I can't go now, you have seen to this, see you in court.
Son still in my care and won't be relinquishing that without a court order.
Next update Thursday I guess.
Cheers,
Macflugal
Thats positive news and a step in the right direction for you. 🙂
Thanks for letting us know and good luck for thursday!
Hi,
2nd court hearing was today. Ex turned up (was hoping she would just walk) and has a solicitor, although they are looking for legal aid which may or may not come). She is asking for full residency of son with a view to permanently moving to Country X with him and is looking for legal aid funding to file that bid as a sepearate issue. Court have decided that for the interim, there will be a shared contact order, whilst the prohibited steps order to keep son in UK stays. Mother had brought passport to court and gave it up with no issue ( i smell a rat as she still has a flight booked for Sunday for both her and son and no-one seems interested!).
I have son Sunday/wednesday, she has him remainder. CASCAF Officer to assess both homes and parents and report back to court. This could be 3 or 4 months down the line. My brief has advised me to move in with my parents due to my shift pattern as this will provide stability and child care for son should I get full residency but brief also said this was not clear cut and residency could easily swing either way.
Not feeling very confident, especially that my ex had booked flights and was prepared to abscond with son with no warning, has taken out payday loans to finance this move and is intent on getting her and son to Country X ASAP. i suspect she has some other means to get son through passport control and I doubt they will be there when I go to colelct him Sunday afternoon. Not feeling confident at all now, but its in the courts hands. Should she actually stay for a few months, she is going to end up in financial [censored] which is going to impact son. Will this help me if it happens before CAFCAS? Will CAFCAS look into financial stability?
oh my, and I have to hand son back Friday evening too...:(
So, I took son back to his mother today as arranged with court, ready to start the split week routine on Sunday.
Wasn't as awkward as I expected. She made me a coffee and asked if I could do some bits around her flat such as permanently fix a security gate on the kitchen door and build his new cot when it arrives next week. Should I be logging these requests for the CAFCAS officer to show I am prepared to help her for the benefit of my son? /shrug
Also, we chatted about outcomes of residence. She said if I get residence she will be staying in this country but if she gets residence then allowed to return to Country X then she is happy for me to come over anytime and stay (with her is what she implied??!) so a little confused.
Anyway, it was good to see that son was looking comfier in the flat (although, imho, not as happy as he was at home with me!).
I pick him up on Sunday afternoon, lets hope she is ready with him and hasnt got on that plane somehow at 12 noon that day!
Considering asking if we spend a part of some Sundays together, maybe some food and a short trip out. What are peoples thoughts on this, i know son would like this.
More updates to come.
Aside from the moving abroad, it sounds as though there could be the basis for mediation.
What would mediation involve and what would it be aioming to achieve. Also, she has asked me to do a few jobs in the flat such as put up his cot and secure a safety gate yet I have now been advised by a friend who has been in a separation that this can go against me if she decides to report this as harassment?! (not sure at all now what I should be doing!)
Mediation is a way of trying to come to an agreement by using a mediator, rather than going to court to have an order imposed. Take a look at http://www.nfm.org.uk
I would say that doing add jobs depends on the relationship you have with your ex - if it's friendly, or at least civil, then doing a few odd jobs - especially if they are related to your son's wellbeing - shouldn't be a problem, but if you think there may be a problem, then treat with caution. However, it's always best for all concerned if you can all get along well. However, I would keep a diary of all conversations, copies of texts, emails etc - it can never do any harm..
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