[Solved] have i made the right choice

My partner of 9 years walked out on me and my kids in June this year. Our relationship was unbearable at best. Being mentally and physically abused for that long had taken it's toll so feelings for her had been dead and buried for a long time. She is a regular heavy user of cannabis and lets just say that social services were well aware of her!!!

I have two boys, one 6 years old and one 21 months old. They have seen their mother around 6 times since the day she left due to her lack of commitment and responsibility. She has consistently built up their hopes and let them down leaving me to pick up the pieces. I hear nothing from her for weeks at a time then get random calls asking to see them when it suits her, I give her the benefit of the doubt, then again she doesn't turn up and wont answer my calls or texts. I've tried my best to encourage contact between them as I have always believed that they needed their mum but I've now reached the end of my tether.

Being a hostile individual, I don't find it easy to communicate with my ex in a adult manner. I have confronted her over the phone about her lack of commitment to her children a few times previously to which I have had [censored] to pay for. I should just mention that I have a new partner who now lives with us and the kids love who has been supportive to my cause and understands that it is between me and my ex, however when your ex decides to smash her way into her children's home through the living room window with a pair of garden shears thinking that the children were inside and demanding that she has the house because the council wont just give her one, I understand it's hard for my current partner to take a back seat.

I am now in the position where I cannot afford to have my boys lives disrupted anymore. Since not having contact with their mother they are happier at home, school and their confidence is growing daily. As a result I have told their mother that I do not wish her to have any form of contact with them anymore and she has once again flown off the handle. I know this is probably going to be a court matter and I am prepared to fight for my children (she has admitted she doesn't want them full time anyway!) but what I'm asking is is there anything I can do to prepare myself and my children for the turbulence that is about to erupt while this mess gets sorted out. I've tried Citizens Advice and sorry but they were useless. I am at a loss.... please help!

You need to apply for a residency order and report your ex for harrasment and criminal damage.

If you need free legal advice you can contact the Coram Children's Legal Centre (CCLC). There's a link to their website at the foot of the page and you can call them on the freephone number or by using their web chat service.

Do it asap!

FM '70

Hi JRC and welcome,

Firstly, I just want to say what a caring and supportive Dad you are.... You love your children unconditionally and have illustrated that by putting your own feelings about your ex to one side, and trying to encourage their mother to have a relationship with them.

The fact that she walked out on you and the children, and has a history of drug abuse will work in your favour to some degree. Did you report her to the police concerning the damage to your property? If not I would suggest that you do so in the future, if it happens again. You also mention that she is known to the Social Services, so I think it would be a good idea to try and get them involved. As you have denied your ex contact, you must have a really good reason for doing so. If you feel the children are at risk from her because of her violence and drug use, then that would be a good starting point. I dont think that her intermittent contact, although not good, is sufficent for you to prevent her from seeing them.

As the children live with you I would suggest you get a Residency Order, this would give you some security. If you are unemployed or on a low income you may qualify for Legal Aid. If this isnt the case, it is possible for you to represent yourself. There are a couple of excellent stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, that give some really good advice... one is all about Representing yourself in Court and the other is a Contact Order C100 Guide. The C100 form is the one that you would use to apply for Residency.

Normally I would suggest going to Mediation, but you state that you are unable to communicate with your ex because of her hostility.

Because of the complexities of your case, I think both Childrens Services and CAFCASS would be involved in the court process. I also think it might be quite difficult to get them to agree to a denial of contact, the court might see fit to recommend supervised contact at one of their childrens centres instead. However if that happens and the mother doesnt comply with that and doesnt turn up etc, they would at some point, agree to the denial of contact.

I am no expert, and this advice is just my opinion... I'm sure one of the Moderators on here will refer you to the CCLC and ask them to come here and give you some legal advice and I'm sure some of the Dads will be along to share their experience and expertise with you soon.

Good luck with everything

Hi and welcome

I have been through a similar situation in the past, once I got the initial contact order for 2 days per month, my ex was extremely unreliable about attending, which meant that we couldn't plan anything on the days when she was supposed to attend, and when she failed to attend, it was too late for my daughter to arrange to do anything with friends. i went back to court and got contact reduced to one day per month on the basis that my daughter needed certainty of contact. It worked well (for a couple of years anyway) and it was definitely worth doing - my daughter knew when her mother was supposed to attend and we didn't have the disappointment of her turning up late or cancelling at the last minute (or forgetting altogether on one occasion).

I would put what you are doing in writing to her, and if she wants to resume contact, set the time and place, and strict rules on what happens if she fails to attend.

Hi JRC, I've merged your two threads together. However, a further question - do you know if your ex is planning to do anything regarding the lack of contact? If not, I'm not sure whether I would apply for residence just yet - the reason being the longer that they are with you, the more settled they are and any argument your ex has if she tries to get residence back becomes weaker over time. I would certainly have the papers for residence ready, and filled out, and should you ex try to get residence, then you immediately apply to court for an interim residence order at that time, but in a way there is no reason to rush it now.

However, I will ask the CCLC to pop on and give advice in case anything I have said would cause a problem, and with any other advice they can offer.

Hi JRC

The situation may differ depending on whether or not you have Parental Responsibility for your sons. You will have Parental Responsibility if you are named on your sons birth certificates or if you were married to the mother. If you are not named on the birth certificate or married to the mother there are number of ways you can obtain Parental Responsibility. Firstly, with the mothers consent, you can re-register the births to put you on the certificates and this would give you Parental Responsibility. Alternatively along with the mother you can both sign a Parental Responsibility Agreement. This is a prescribed form called a PRA1 and can be found at the local County Court or Family Proceedings Court, or online at www.justice.gov.uk. The form must be signed and witnessed by a justices’ clerk or court officer and it must be filed at the Principal Registry of the Family Division.

If as appears likely you ex partner is not willing to sign a PRA1 or will not agree to re-register the births you can apply for a Parental Responsibility Order. This is done by filling in form C1 and filing it with the Family Proceedings Court, there is a fee of around £200 for this. The form can be obtained from the local County Court or Family Proceedings Court, or online at www.justice.gov.uk.

Parental Responsibility Orders are granted in the majority of cases, and only refused in exceptional circumstances such as when a father poses a significant risk to the child. When making a decision the court will consider; whether the father has commitment and attachment to the child and whether the father has genuine reasons for applying for the order. If granted parental responsibility it will give you equal legal rights regarding your sons.

If you have Parental Responsibility already you have all the legal rights you need to care for your sons and have them live with you. If the mother is not threatening to challenge you for residency of your sons or to try and take them into her care you do not need to apply to court for a Residence Order. In fact the court operates on a no order principle where they will not make an order unless it is strictly necessary for them to do so and so if there is no threat to the children living with you then it is unlikely the court would grant you a residence order.

With regards to contact as the children are living with you, and assuming you have Parental Responsibility, you do not have to allow any contact if there are no court orders saying otherwise. Your only legal duty is to be reasonable as to contact, you can put forward your proposals for contact to the mother and if she is not happy with them the onus in this situation would be on her to try and come to an agreement with you. If you cannot come to an agreement with her again the onus would be on her to try and go through mediation to help come to an agreement, the court will expect her to do this before applying to court for any order. For more information on mediation you may wish to contact National Family Mediation on 0300 4000 636.

If the mother does apply for either a Contact Order or Residence Order the court will consider what is in the best interests of your sons’ welfare whilst making their decision. To do this they will consider the welfare checklist:

• Wishes and feelings of the child (weight given to these feelings depends on the age of the child, more weight being given to a child over the age of 11).
• Childs physical, emotional and educational needs.
• Effect of any change on the child.
• The age, [censored] and background of the child.
• Any harm which the child has suffered or may suffer.
• How capable each parent is of meeting the Childs needs.

It is also worth noting however that courts see contact as the right of the child and do try and enable contact between children and both parents if they can, unless there is a welfare concern that they feel should prevent this. However the court will consider the situation with the garden shears and also the general lack of interest on the mother’s behalf since your separation during this process.

If you require any further advice please do not hesitate to contact us. Our advice line phone service on 0808 802008 is available Mon-Fri between 8:00-20:00, and our online web chat service at www.childrenslegalcentre.com is available Mon-Fri between 09:00-18:00.

Yours Sincerely

CORAM Children’s Legal Centre