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My wife is using my 2 children (girl 6 and boy 4) as pawns and i'm finding it very hard to stay calm and cope with the upset and stress of it. She has threatened three times in the last 4 months to never let me see them again when I refuse her demands for money, cars and material possessions. She acts as if she is doing me a favour by letting me have them, she is very disagreeable and acts as if I have to do everything she decides. I honestly cannot believe it as she was not interested in them before she sneaked them out of our family home, moved 1.5 hours drive away and decided I was a sideshow and she had full right to be the main residential carer without the slightest but of discussion. She has now refused to let me take them on a local holiday that i had arranged and told her about 4 months ago. She is very spiteful and I haven't done anything to deserve it apart from be strong and refuse to let her walk all over me.
For the last four years I have worked from home and have always been very much involved in bringing up my two children. Over the last two years of our 9 year marriage my wife gradually lost interest in the children and I have been caring for them on my own for more than 80% of the time. I started keeping a calendar, as she used to argue that I was exaggerating when I asked her to stay at home and help more, but she found it and destroyed it. She only ever got the kids out of bed one day a week, only made their lunch or dinner 2 or 3 times a week and never ever took them out anywhere special. Her idea of taking the kids out was making them follow her round TK Maxx and fobbing them off with a £5 toy at the end of it. I was cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, running our business that she abandoned me to run on my own, shopping, school runs, homework almost everything. She went nuts when I didnt keep an eye on the house finances but I honestly had to work till the early hours sometimes to catch up with work - I was so busy doing everything else during the day and could never find time for everything that needed done around our pretty large house that she persuaded me to buy. She wanted new cars, caravans, two holidays, lots of clothes, etc, etc and I had to work constantly to pay for it all.
I am not a fool I just really loved my kids and loved her and thought she just maybe needed help as she was unhappy and I couldnt get her interested again in us three. I am the type of father who changed their nappies and did everything I could for my babies so its not as if I only did everything and brought them up because I was forced too.
Sadly, I caught her trying to start two new relationships in the last year and she then walked out in February after I caught her the second time. I then discovered she was merely trying to make my best friend jealous... she had been messing around with him ever since we met him and his wife 6 years ago (6 months after my daughter was born) he has 3 kids too but he was just being a total snake, using my wife for physical reasons as he has no feelings for her and playing with her mind. I had suspected something wasnt right the way they behaved over the years and I accused them of it on 2 occasions but they said I was insecure and maybe had mental issues and should get help... how devious and twisted can people be! - i had been right all along!!
It just feels like ive had my kids stolen from me by someone who did not care for them for a long time. I stupidly told her before she sneaked the children away that if she moved out she wasnt taking them with her - bad mistake! I should have thrown her out and not let her take them but at the time I didnt know about her relationship with my so called friend and I wanted us to stay together and didnt expect her to leave.
I was also blinded by the fact that I was very much looking forward to having our third child... she was 10 weeks pregnant when she walked out. Horribly, she had talked about terminating the child twice before she left, she said it was a terrible thought but she really didnt want the baby. Then i got a phone call two weeks later... she lost the baby and didnt tell me for two days...
Since February she has 'allowed me' to have the kids from a Friday night to a Saturday night and I am constantly arguing to get to keep them till Sunday night. She refused to give me any telephone numbers to contact her even though I have never been cheeky or abusive so sometimes she uses the excuse that she didnt get my email, etc etc.
I expected to get to see them a lot more over the school holidays to make up for all the extra time she has had since she took them away but she's being very difficult and still trying to only give me them on saturdays.
I know I would have been far more reasonable than she has ever been if she had left them at home with me, (it would pretty much be like the way it was for a long time prior to the split) in fact I thought if we ever split I would have to try and to get her to spend more time than she wanted to with them as thats what I have been doing for years when she was misbehaving and living like a selfish single person and chasing after my 'best friend'.
I keep getting told by friends and family to take her to court to apply to get them back and be the residential parent again as they could all see that I was always out alone with them and at home alone looking after them (I actually got fed up meeting people and getting asked where she was) but I am now worried that all the hard work I did for years and that I was by far the main carer for a long time prior to the split will now be useless in court as mothers are given more favour than fathers. I have people to back me up on the previous situation: she would go out to work and leave the kids in soaking wet nappies, she would stay in her bed after my kids got up when I was away one day a week and my employee would end up giving my son a drink of juice as she felt sorry him, she would wake up and stick a towel on their bed if they had wet it and put them back in on top of the towel then put them back to bed the next night on top of the same towel, she would give them toast for dinner rather than spend time making them something proper and I cant remember her ever taking them somewhere special where it was something purely for the kids. We had an au pair for several months last year and she was shocked at my ex-wifes selfish behaviour and at how little she wanted to come home to see the children especially considering my wife only worked 2 days a week she always seemed to be away at training or some other vitally important event.
She was also arrested in May for going crazy and shouting and swearing in the street at my sisterand I - in front of the children - and for throwing a set of car keys right off my face. All i had done was calmly ask her to return the car that was financed solely in my name that I couldnt afford to keep paying for. This was the 4th or 5th time in a year she had acted like this in front of the children and as usual i stayed calm and tried my best not to let the kids get upset.
Do i have to put up with this spiteful bullying for the rest of my kids life and will i have a chance of being awarded main carer if I go to court and try and get them back?
I know ive covered a lot of issues but its just so unfair - I now get horrible text messages from her family blaming me for the break up and saying I'm selfich and dont care for my children - its totally bizarre - I think they're from another planet!!!!!
Please help me with any advice on where to go from here
Hi Brian
Wow you covered a lot of ground with your post, welcome to the site by the way.
I am going to refer your problem to our legal team for their advice, they normally come back within a few days so watch this space.
Have a look on the legal eagle section, there might some advice on there in the meantime.
Mags
Hi Brian
First let me say, your situation is awful and I can empathise with a lot of what you have been through.
As for advice, the CLC will give you a fair bit on this, but I'll give my opinion based on my experience. Firstly, with regards to residence, the children have been living with their mother for some time now. The courts need a very good reason to remove them from one parent and give a residence order in favour of another - in my case, I had concerns for the welfare and safety of my children, so removed them from their mother with the assistance of the police after a particular event, and then fought a legal battle over residence (actually that was the easy bit) and then contact arrangements - it was a very clear cut case that they shouldn't be returned to their mother, and that contact should be restrictive, but still cost well over £30k in legal expenses, and my barrister has told me that legally speaking, I am still a freak case by successfully getting two girls removed from their mother. I would say that unless you have concerns for their safety and can get either social services or the police involved and agreeing with you (in which case, definitely go for residence), then your efforts are best concentrated in either mediation, or on getting a contact order in place.
With regards maintenance, this is a separate issue and my advice would be to approach CSA and get them involved, and pay no other maintenance (apart from buying your daughters maintenance) beyond your assessment (and pay through the CSA so there are records). The courts will not give you extra 'brownie' points for paying for your ex's lifestyle when it comes to a contact order, so save any extra for treating your daughters when you see them, which is where you really want the money to go anyway.
As for putting up with this for ever more, I'm afraid that in some cases (tell me about it), it never really goes away, so you need to find a strategy to deal with it without reacting.
Dear BrainWade,
Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre.
As you are married to the children’s mother, both you and the mother will have parental responsibility for the children and thus an equal right to a say in the important decisions affecting their lives, such as education, religion and medical treatment.
There is nothing in law that states which parent children should live with upon a separation, however the mother has established herself as the resident parent at present by having the children with her physically, and so does have the ability to control your contact with them because of this.
If you are not happy with the situation then you are able to attempt mediation to try and reach an agreement, and if this fails to consider making an application to court for a residence or contact order.
A contact order is a court order stating the days and times that you are to see the children, and although they would reside with the mother she would be legally bound to comply with what the court orders.
A residence order is an order stating with which parent children are to live. The court can grant full residence to either parent with the other having contact, or a shared residence arrangement where the children live with each parent for stated periods of time.
You are able to apply to court for contact or residence at any time until your children are 16 years old (at which age they are able to decide for themselves). In order to make a court application you can instruct a solicitor to act for you, or you can represent yourself.
If you choose to represent yourself you can download the application form C100 (it is the same form regardless of whether you are applying for contact or residence) and guidance notes CB1 and CB3 from www.hmcs.gov.uk or collect them from the local court.
Once completed you file the C100 at the Family Proceedings Court closest to the current home with the mother with the filing fee of £175. The mother will be notified of your application and the court will inform you both of a date to attend.
The court will hear all the circumstances and arguments from both yourself and the mother. The court will often also appoint CAFCASS to make a report on the situation, which may involve them seeing and speaking to your children (usually away from both parents and any influence) and they will present recommendations to the court.
Once the court have all the information they will decide what orders they believe are appropriate. The longer the children are established with one parent the more difficult it will be to have their residence changed unless there are concerns over their safety or the care they are receiving, or the children are deemed mature enough to decide for themselves.
The court will make all decisions based on what is believed to be in the best interests of the children in question, they do not favour one parent over another as is often believed, it is based on the circumstances in your case.
Any court orders granted usually remain in place until the children are 16 years old and able to decide for themselves (absolutely without parental consent or potentially being overridden by the court), or until another court order is granted. All orders are legally binding and the parents are expected to comply with these and can be penalised for any breaches to the orders.
If you have genuine concerns regarding the mothers care of the children, you do have the option of contacting the Social Services, who will decide whether there is a child protection issue that requires their involvement.
You should also ensure that the court is aware of any concerns that you have for the children whilst with their mother if this matter does go to court.
We hope that this information is useful to you. Should you require further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help you.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre
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