Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hello!
Basically I cant sleep, I don't eat and I can not concentrate on anything.
For the last year I have had an arrangment where i see my daughter 2 hour's a day 6 days a week the exception to this is I doo not see her on a Tuesday.
I work shifts and the times I see my daughter vary from week to week but mainly we have arranged thing's between us.
Sometimes approx 2 or 3 times a month we have cross words and both of us say thing we should not but usually it'snot that bad a situation. Over the past month or so my ex who is now in a new relationship and has been for about 6 months has atarted requesting I change my times at short notice. for example on tuesday night she text and told me I would have to have my daughter later on Wednesday than we agreed. She asked if I could forgo seeing my daughter on my birthday so she could go out with her new fella and i agreed again, only for her to text in the morning and say you can have our daughter on your birthday now.
I would say that over the past month I have agrred to change the times we have arranged for me to see our daughter on approx 10 occasions without any fuss. This week for example she text early Wednesday morning and said you will have to feed our daughter when I drop her off later. I went shopping made a stew and was prepared to feed our daughter only to get a text at 16:30 saying dont worry I have fed our daughter. She then turns up 10 minutes late at 17:10 instead off 17:00 so I said o.k I will drop our daughter off at 19:15 she says no if you are not here at 19:10 there will be trouble and I will call the police. I was back for 19:00 as did not want any trouble and she eventually turned up at 19:30.
On occasions I have made plan's to meet family members or friends only to haver my ex change the times I see our daughter so I have canceled my plans without fuss to keep the peace.
My daughter starts pre-school next september so i would like to keep the current arrangment as best I can as I believe its good to have nearly day to day contact with my daughter.
My ex e-mailed me last night saying she now only wants contact through e-mail and she is now suggesting I see my daughter Monday, wed, and friday for 4 hours which equals the 12 hours I currently see her now.
I e-mailed back and said I am not comfortable with this arrangment as It means I dont have my daughter at all over the weekend and this is the opportunity I get to take my daughter to see my parents. I have asked to have my daughter overnight onnumerous occasions and most recently on wednesday, my ex says no as i would not know what to do.
I have said that when our daughter starts school we can look at me having her 3 times a week for 4 hours but not on set days as my shifts change and I sadi a condition off this would be i also have my daughter for 24 hours over the weekend. Until then I would like day to day access as im worried without that the bond between me and my daughter would be broken.
I can not put into words how much this situation is destroying me, what I would like to konw is I cant really afford to go to court but if we ended up there could someone give me ball park figure of how much the cost usually is and finally and most importantly what would a judge deem as a reonsnable amoput of time I can see my daughter. I have my own house, car, good job and I pay maintenance but its an agrement we have between us not the CSA. She has a son with another man who also pays her this way and not through the CSA but he does not see his son and has not done for 6 years.
My main question is how many hours would i be looking at getting my daughter for on a weekly basis, would I be able to have her overnight, would I be able to take her away on holidsy.
Please help
Regards Lee
hi Lee
At this stage, before you consider court (which is about 200 if you represent yourself), I would look at mediation - it seems that you are not too far apart at the moment, so a mediated solution may just work out.
Hi there,
I'd agree with actd that mediation should be your first approach to sorting things.
I know how you feel about not sleeping and not eating I was exactly the same,
Darren
Usually the authorities that you would deal with concerning contact, would use the amount of contact that you and your child is accustomed to as a measuring stick for further contact.
You would discuss this in mediation and hopefully reach an agreement that would be noted and signed by both parents.
If it were to reach court you would ask for the same amount of contact that you currently have, and also for holidays in summer, at easter and christmas to be defined and written into the order.
I would advise you to document all the communication between you and the mother, with times and dates, and all the changes she makes at the last minute, in fact everything that involves your daughter. Keep all texts and emails as if you were to go to court at a later date you would find it a helpful resource. Also always be civil when dealing with your ex, its important that you come across as a calm and reasonable parent that only has the best interests of your child at heart.
Finally, its so important to keep your strength up and this means eating and sleeping properly....for the sake of your little girl. If you do have to fight for her, you will need to be strong physically and mentally....taking care of the basics will help you achieve that.
Good luck with everything. 🙂
Thank you to all who have replied you have all been a great help! it looks like I am going to have to settle for monday, wednesday and friday acces to my daughter for 4 hour's each day and 2 hours on a sunday.
Not great but I appriciate its a lot better than a lot of other father's get so I should be greatful for that.
Thanks for the advice Nannyjane I have been on here before and was given advice on keeping a diary so since december 2011 I detail everything! Im not sleeping lol hence I am here now but you offer sound advice and I respect you and I really like the little paragraph that you have wrote about being a Gradmother and Mum. I also have wonderful parents and family and wil start sleeping normaly and eating well as you suggest.
Take care and thank you
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.