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Hello all, I am new to this site and in fact it is the first time I use a forum.
I will outline my problem - Was married for about 5 years and had a baby girl (Sofia) who is now 1yr 7 months, she is a daddy’s girl.
We are in the final stages of the divorce and agreed on child arrangements and contact. The current arrangements (since I moved out, almost a year ago) have been 2 Tuesday a month and pick up on Friday after work and return Sunday evening, any holidays will be 50/50 and I’m very flexible.
Just for information I basically filled the divorce against myself as she could not be bowered to fill the form or even think about child arrangement, she signed the divorce papers and handed them to me. so after agreeing on child arrangements it has been lovely to be with my daughter every weekend and I know Sofia loves the time we have together, it breaks my heart every time I have to drop her off as she never wants to let me go and when I pick her up she is very happy to leave..
The issue I have now is that I have been seeing someone for about a 11 months now and my ex has found out, and is now constantly threatening me with taking action and changing arrangement to once every 2 weeks using the reason she doesn’t want any women next to her daughter.
It is very easy for her as she has every weekend to go out and party like she normally does, on the other hand if I have my daughter I can’t leave her as I feel bad and enjoy dedicating it all to her. I have made it clear to my current girlfriend that my time with Sofia is special for me and she totally understands.
My ex has called my mum and basically told her that if she finds out my girlfriend has gone anywhere near Sofia she will change the arrangement to once every 2 weeks, my parents are scared of that and have basically told me my girlfriend can’t be around.
I dont know what to do and feel like my ex will always use this against me, can she do this? can she change the arrangements like that...
Everything we have agreed on has been done without solicitors or the courts.
I can’t have a life hiding because of the threats I get from her.
Please help...
kind regards,
Diego
Hi Diego,
Welcome to the forum,
Your situation is only too common i'm afraid and is an easy way for an ex to stop you from moving on.
Your ex can't stipulate who you see or what you do while you have your daughter, although she will probably try and make life as difficult as possible for you if you don't agree or get some kind of formal arrangement in place.
I would suggest you try mediation to start with and see if using the route can help you to gain an agreement where you can freely see who you like while you have your daughter.
You may need to consider court though if this doesn't work.
Darren
I agree with Darren - you should not be expecting any less contact than you have enjoyed in the past, and if it goes to court, I would say that you have a very good chance of getting that (or possibly even a little more)
Hi Diego,
I agree with Darren and ACTD. A court is unlikely to reduce contact and you would usually expect to have it restored to the level that you currently enjoy.
I think mediation may be useful to you in this instance, as I think the situation would benefit from having the presence of a trained third party who can help you come to an amicable solution. The court isn't really an option for you at the moment, because your ex has yet to reduce or stop contact.
FM '70
Thank you all for your advice, this is very much appreciated. I was worried she could do something like that and was getting conflicting advice.
Thank you all again.
Diego 🙂
Dear All,
This is just an update on my situation. Since I last posted things were better the initial arrangements were taking place and all was well, until it turns out that my parents are getting involved.
The situation is that I am living with my girlfriend so my baby stays the night with my parents who have a lot more room, I pick her up (5min drive) and spend time with her, but since my ex called my parents and said to them ‘If I find out Sofia is anywhere near that other girl then things will change a lot’, she threatened my parents and since then my girlfriend and I are not allowed near my baby when we are together.
I called my ex just to tell her that I couldn’t keep Sofia nights just until a find a bigger place and she said she can’t trust me and how can she know I am not living with that girl.
I really want to end this because its affecting my personal life, my job concentration and most importantly my time with my baby.
I’m not one to talk bad about my ex but everything I do I base it on Sofia, my ex on the other hand would prefer to live at home with her parents, go out every weekend, and save money to go abroad and get her body done..
I have spoken to her about mediation but I get to useful answer.
Thank you all in advance.
Diego
Hi just read back on your other posts, have you taken her to court with regards contact ?
Not yet.. I have sent her via email details about a mediation session we can go to, as i understand its always best mediation then courts, she is not that happy about mediation so i will wait a bit then try the court route.
What happens if i dont have a suitable place for my baby to spend the night in? what would a unreasonable place be like?
This is the reason i spoke to my ex telling her if i can see Sofia the same amount of time but i would take her back in the evenings until i find a suitable place. At this point she said she cant trust me, if i am not at home living with my parents she cant trust me and she would fight to take Sofia away from me if she finds out Sofia has been near my girlfriend.
Can she put these sort of conditions on me, because she is clearly not thinking about our baby but only about herself.
No she can't put all these restrictions on you. She's being unreasonable and using the threat of withdrawing contact as a tool to control the situation.
You have a choice to make. Do you put up with the situation or do you look to use a third party to resolve the situation. If she refuses mediation and you have to apply for a contact order, the court will probably order her into mediation anyway. This situation is slightly better as you can request that any agreement that is reached be taken back to court to be enshrined within a court order. Should she break the terms of the agreement, she is effectively breaking a court order and you can have the order enforced.
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