[Solved] Help Needed, Where do I stand?

Without going in to too much detail, is your ex deemed not suitable or capable of looking after the kids? Is this why they are with you most of the time?

If you are comfortable with her looking after the kids more often, then maybe approach mediation and discuss it, with regards to the child that is not biologically yours, I wouldnt know where you stand with that one? If your ex requests more time, and you are comfortable with it, then maybe a phased approach towards it.

Its not that shes been deemed not suitable or capable by any authority or body. Shes just useless.
I have no problem with her seeing the children more, id love her to but she doesnt bother.

The problem is I dont want them to go back into her care if she ever gets back on her feet as it wouldnt be best for the children and i am unsure what rights I have.

hi,

how old are your kids and how long have they been in your care?

as child 1 is not biologically yours, your ex has parental responsibility of him/her so she would have more right to take child 1 back.

the kids must be all settled there and used to living with each other. if this went to court I think they don't like to separate the kids. and most likely the court would want to keep the status quo, as kids have been in stable care with you, and mother has not been bothered about spending more time with them.

it's unlikely court will transfer kids to your ex as full-time carer, unless there were serious issues with you, like your not fit to care for them e.g. drink/drug problem etc. if your ex wants them back, its more likely she will end up getting more contact with kids, but kids still remain in your care. ex would be assessed to decide whether she is a fit enough parent to have more contact with the kids.

you haven't mentioned kids ages, but if they are around age 12+ their wishes and views are taken into account. so if they want to go and live with mum, they would be free to go.

I would contact childrens services and ask them if they would support you in adopting the child that isn't bio yours - that way there is certainty for the future.

It would mean, however, that it would release the bio dad from any requirement to pay maintenance, if he is doing so.

I cant post my reply, its being picked up as spam, see if this works...

Thanks for the info, it sounds promising. I will give some more detail:

The mother left me and took the children with her around two years ago. I paid for her to get a house until she got benefits, i bought her a car, insured it etc, i made sure she was set up. This lasted 4 months before the children came back to me. in this time I gave her another £1000 and one of our friends lent her £1000, she took an overdose and then got evicted for not paying the rent.(she gambles)

Children are 9, 6, and 5 and have been with me for 18 months now.

So the mother has the children overnight one night every two weeks and every monday for tea between 15.00 and 18.30. This is what she has decided, not me. She is never on time, she regularly drops them off at gone 8pm without letting me know she will be late. She lets them down last minute all the time. Im lucky if I get 2 hours notice of when she wants to pick them up. Her communication with me is awful.

For the last 18months she has slept on her sisters sofa and has nowhere for the children to sleep. child 1 usually shares a bed with her cousin and child 2&3 sleep on the sofa with their mother. When my children are there, there is 3 adults and 6 children in a 3 bed terraced house. Id have thought this is also wrong but i turn a blind eye to it as the only other alternative is the kids dont stay with her ever and that would only upset the children.

The mother doesnt pay me anything in child maintenance, she has had a job for the last 12 months. Initially I decided not to ask her for any maintenance as I knew she would need to save up for another house.

To me, I cant see how any of this would be acceptable. Its awful for the kids because I cannot give them a straight answer to when they will see their mother. And I struggle to plan my days out (with work, child care etc) when she wont stick to the agreed times.

Would going to court help? Or is there a preferred method to try and make the mother stick to the plan?

Would it be best to go to court or mediation now, to get everything set in stone so I have the security or leave it as it is and wait to see if she ever raises an issue.

I feel as though I must be able to straighten this out some how but I have no clue what is best or where to start.

i think if you went to court, it won't achieve much in getting her to be more punctual or consistent in seeing the kids. the court can order you to make the children available for their mother, but it can't order her to see the children. it's down to her availability.

there have been some harsh cases where one parent went to court to complain that the other parent hardly sees the kids, or lets them down and does no shows & it distresses the children. so the court ordered that parent can no longer see the children. I don't think that's a good approach. without a court order, child maintenance claims get very messy, as parents can lie about who the kids live with or how many nights they spend with other parent.

Thanks Bill, it makes sense to be honest. And i really wouldnt want to go to court unless it was necessary.
Im just after security mainly. To make sure the mother cant suddenly take them back and start a whole new mess.

Who do I speak to regarding these issues.Who would i ring first?
Is there a government backed helpline? do i go straight to a solicitor for advice?

Thanks, Anker.

hi, you could contact local childrens/social service and talk to them about your concerns. i would avoid solicitors, as they would just charge you a lot of money for something that will be more like a counselling session. some offer free consultations.