Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hey folks.. i've come on here in the hope that i can get some advice..
so... heres my life..
I have 2 kids, age 9 & 5 and split from their mother last year after 10 years together. We get on well... odd disagreement here and there but overall the split was the right thing to do. I have as much access to my kids as i want and I'm happy with the arrangement we have and tbh, shes a good friend now.
now here comes the sad bit.. :boohoo:
I met a woman late December on a xmas night out, shes a high school teacher aged 36 from Canada, no kids and living / working here in Scotland. We talked about going out and getting to know each other and our first date was beginning off January.. She wanted to leave it until then as her Mother was moving back there to be with family as her husband had died in August .Things went well on our date and we started to see each other 2 nights per week as i always have my kids at the weekend.
We had the usual compatibility talks and she asked if i wanted any more kids. I explained that i would have kids if i met the right girl, and i was set to marry as i wanted to be sure off a lifetime commitment before bringing another life into this world. She agreed that that was a sensible direction.
This girl is quite into musical shows / theater so we booked a weekend away start off February to enjoy some time together, whilst we were away i was talking about buying a new car (golf) she said that wouldn't be very sensible if we had a child as size wise its not suitable given i have 2 other kids.. she also talked about the type off house we would need (5bed room). The life she was describing was pretty much on point to what i had envisioned for myself and given that we had so much in common i could see a future with her.
About a week after that weekend away she had started printing off plans for different types off kit houses and discussing locations as to where would be a nice place to start a family in the area.. Things were moving fast but it really felt amazing that i had found someone, someone that i really enjoyed doing things with that i would've point blank ignored before.
We had unprotected [censored] once and on the 3th march she told me she was pregnant along with 'i didn't think I'd get pregnant first time given my age' (we were not trying) Please no lectures on the stupidity off it i already know and this is why I'm here now.
March was quite an emotional ride, she wanted to meet my kids, my parents and we really started making plans for the babys arrival and our future.. She told her mum she was pregnant and in a relationship with me and I was over the moon, my kids loved her, she was fantastic with them and i had found the girl off my prayers/dreams (that's another surreal story, not sure any off you would believe me)
Out off nowhere at the beginning off April just after dinner and relaxing watching some TV she turned to me and said we weren't working, she wanted some space. A week past and we met up at the hospital for the first scan...where she said she just wanted to be friends, she apologized for saying she was in love with me, saying she wanted it to be true but just didn't feel it.
My world crumbled.. my heart shattered more than i could imagine.. 22nd april was my D day..
I sent her some messages asking her to really think about things, the only response i got was that her decision was made and i should just accept the circumstances. I had the choice to either be involved as a father in the child's life or just walk away completely.
My head was a mess.. (still is) i didn't know what i wanted to do. I couldn't think straight.. i just wanted to build a life with her and take care off her. I'm not an asle.. i have my asle moments like every bloke but i was brought up with good morals and family values which i adhere to.
After the scan she decided to tell her employers that she was pregnant, i told my ex-partner but put off telling the kids as i had hoped that things would change and maybe it was just hormones running wild confusing her feelings.
We live in a small town and the pregnancy became public knowledge within the social group off people that my kids would be in contact with, so i asked her if she would meet up with me to explain what this baby would mean in their lives and what kind off relationship they would have with her and their sibling.
She refused, quite harshly said it was my problem and that she 'didn't want me involved in her life or that off HER child' and never contact her again. When you fall and hit the ground and you think things cant get any worse somehow the ground opened up and swallowed me..
So here i am now... there's a child's life that i want to be apart off but she refuses to allow it. I'm sure you are all thinking he must have done something to make her feel that way / make that choice.. But all i have done is love and care for her.
I have no idea what rights i have, what direction to take.. I cant be 100% sure that she will even stay in this country as her family are in Canada.
My friends think i have been used and that her reason for not wanting me involved is so she can move out off the country back to Canada without my permission. Does she even need my consent?
Please help..
What can i do to ensure i am part off this child's life.?
How do i get my name on the birth certificate if she wont see me or allow me to be present when she registers the baby. ?
Do i have any input in picking the child's name?
What kind off access would a court give me to a newborn if that's the route i have to take. When can i get things started..?
Do i have any rights if she ups and leaves before the birth. ?
What rights would i have if she went to Canada to have the baby and then came back here to live.?
Hi There,
I have moved this to the legal section as it will get more replies here.
This must be awful for you.
I will give a little more advice later as I have to pop out now, and I will also ask our legal team to drop by and advise of your legal rights in answers to your questions (any other mods that get chance to send before i do let me know)
Check back later and I will answer as much as I can.
GTTS
Ok I'm back and have more time now to try and answer your questions.
I think although I can offer morale support and empathise with you you are goint to need some legal advice so as I've said I will ask the legal chaps to drop by and see what advice they can give you, keep checking back as they may take a few days to reply.
I have sent this request to them and they should reply and give you some advice soon.
I bet this all must have come as a shock as you weren't expecting it.
Tell us about "your dream" as it sounds interesting.
GTTS
Thanks for taking the time to respond and provide support i really appreciate it.
My dream/prayers, I'm not sure how to best explain it, but i will try.
I had suffered from depression in summer off 2011 when things between my ex and i were probably at its worst, I had difficulty sleeping, became very withdrawn and submersed myself in hobbies as a distraction from reality. Eventually i sought medical attention where i was prescribed anti-depressants.
They made things worse, the drugs and dosage were changed numerous times by the doctor but eventually i just gave up on them and somehow pulled through it on my own until we split.
After splitting up, I moved back to my parents, I gave my ex the house and everything in it as i couldn't live with myself if i took that home away from them, but at the same time i lost myself for a while. I started smoking again, spending money on things i didn't need and started to feel the depression creep back in..
One evening i came across a documentary on netflix, it was called 'the secret' it referred to getting everything you wanted by using the 'law off attraction' i watched the program though (numerous times) and i think given my depressive state at the time i really bought into the idea. I was particularly taken with the story about a gratitude rock, basically it was a small pebble that this guy found on the beach, he used that pebble which he always kept in his pocket to remind him off the things he was grateful for and with that he shifted his mind frame to positive thoughts and actions.
A few days after watching the program i was digging at the side off a road (at work) and i found a one penny coin from 1944, it became my gratitude coin.. now the program refers to allot things, in all honesty you would need to watch it but the other thing i found interesting was asking the universe for what you want. The things you think about you will bring about is a cut down version..
In November off last year i went to visit a friend who lives 200+ miles from me, we got talking about my breakup, the future, all sorts off things, in particular he started talking about a friend who was planning to split from his wife for another woman he had met and been seeing, a teacher from Canada. (no, not the same girl as i met !)
I joked at the time that i would like to meet someone like that as in my job each off my work colleagues seem to be married to women in either a medical or teaching profession. Maybe i needed someone like that who would challenge me intellectually.. so there it begins.... I didn't ask the universe though, I simply prayed to God that my life would turn around and i would find someone with the personality, interests, hobbies, dress sense, hair colour, body shape and hoped she would have a medical or teaching profession...
Mid December on the xmas night out.... a friend started talking to this girl at the bar and pushed us together to chat, he had no idea, i had never told anyone, and i simply couldn't believe it. I still cant and i i think that's the reason i am finding things so difficult to deal with. Lots off things can be attributed to coincidence, I'm sure most would say that's all it was.
I do have religious beliefs, i wouldn't pray otherwise, so to have what i asked with descriptive precession appear more or less instantly. Its Surreal to say the least. I wrote her a poem to tell her how I felt, I had never done anything like that before but she really liked poetry so i thought that would be the best choice to really show her i cared, there was some very subtle references to this story in it as i hoped to tell her one day.
I suppose none off that matters now, you cant make someone love you but i can and want to give this child a full life.
Thats really interesting and it has reminded me of what happened to me....What your talking about is called Cosmic Ordering, at least thats what I'm familiar with. I too asked the Cosmos for help, I had been trying to lose weight for years and one day I asked the Cosmos to help me to achieve this... Shortly after I began to lose weight, my work colleagues noticed it and I thought it was fantastic! However after a little more time I began to feel ill, with nausea and fatigue...I thought I had cancer! I went to the doctors and lots of tests were done, no cancer but they discovered a virus that I must have caught many years before in the 70s when I was living abroad with my parents. I was at deaths door but luckily there was a treatment for this, 18 months I was on this treatment I was stick thin by the end of it but I had cleared the disease...
Afterwards I thought back to my request to the Cosmos, coincidence or not, who knows.... but I guess the moral of my story is be very, very careful what you ask for!
I have asked for things since but never for myself just for others!
Hi Will 123
Unfortunately as you live in Scotland this not something we can advise on as we can only advise on English law and the law in Scotland is slightly different.
I would advise you to contact the Scottish Child Law Centre on 0131 667 6333 and they should hopefully be able to advise you on the law in this situaiton and help you in regard to your options.
Regards
CORAM Children’s Legal Centre
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.