[Solved] How can I support a desperate dad?

Hi there and welcome 🙂

You have no need to worry here, you are amongst friends!

How lucky your boyfriend is to have such a supportive partner by his side....you are right, the emotional strain of what you are both going through is immense, and it can be a very slow process. There are some here that have been fighting for years to see their child. That said, there is hope and some excellent outcomes too!

I know it must seem never ending, but you already have two hearings under your belt and it wont drag on forever. Once this psychological assessment is done and you get back to Court, all being well there shouldn't be any more obstacles in your path and you should be granted PR and contact.

As your boyfriend hasnt met his son yet I would think that the first contact will be supervised at a Contact Centre. This is usual and wont go on forever. If your boyfriend goes into Court with a timetable of planned access then it will demonstrate his willingness to do what is best for his son. For instance he could ask for supervised contact to start with fortnightly sessions at a Contact Centre for say 10 sessions. Then if that goes well he could ask for contact to move to supported contact at a Contact Centre. This is more informal and isnt monitored by the staff that run it. That could run for a further 10 sessions, but at the end of that he could ask for unsupervised visits to commence. That might start with a saturday or sunday every fortnight for say 3 months and then move to saturday and sunday for a further 3 months. After this, then an overnight stay could be included, picking his son up on saturday and returning him on sunday. Another 3 months and he could ask that he have him from friday evening to sunday afternoon every fortnight with a mid week tea time visit weekly. This is the average level of contact that might be expected, a full weekend every fortnight plus a weekly mid week visit. Things like shared birthdays and christmas and extra time during the summer to go on holiday can also be written into the order. This is called a defined Contact Order and it helps to avoid having to return to court to have these put in place as the child gets older and becomes less dependent on the mother.

I think your're being too hard on yourself, of course you have the right to be affected by this, you're in it together and his pain is your pain. This is such a stressful process theres no getting away from that. When I've been to Court with my son I'm down for days after and cant tell you how drained I feel...I think everyone going through it feels the same. Just be kind to yourself, indulge in a little pampering...how about a spa day together, or a day out. Whatever you enjoy doing, just take some time out from it. I get over my stress by coming on here and trying to help other Dads that are struggling, it helps to know that I'm not alone and that I can do something about it....For me its a control thing, the court process makes me feel so helpless, as if I have no control over anything...this is my way of empowering myself.

Its a lovely idea, writing cards for the little one...you could extend that, get him a keepsake box and start to fill it with things that you can share with him in the future. Books and toys, photos of you both and his extended family. A photo with you all holding a sign with his name on and waving would be good... It will show him that he has always been in your thoughts and its something he can keep always.

Best of luck with everything, you can come by and talk anytime 🙂

thanks so much for the reply. You hit the nail on the head for me when you said about control, or rather the lack of it. I think we need a way of getting that back after each step we take with this, so thanks, we can think about a way we re focus ourselves afterwards. We have been filling a little box for him too, just with the odd little thing, not about buying his affection, just about feeling he's part of things too, especially as I have children alreeady and dont want to feel like my boyfiend makes the effort with them but i do nothing for his. I really love the photo idea too, thanks.

The info on contact was also very useful. Cafcass suggested something similar at the first hearing, and i work in a children's centre, so im familiar with how that normally works and we are fine with that. He'll take whatever he can get at first and move at little ones pace. I understand its about just the two of them to begin with too, and thats fine. We do have to write a position statement for the psycological report staing how we see things progressing at first with regard contact, so the information from someone who's been in your position is very helpful, thanks again.

The hardest thing is the time its going to take. The case has now been adjourned until October once the psyc report is ready, which my boyfriend is gutted over as he was hoping to have met him before his next birthday in September. I am trying to get him to focus on all the time there will be to come for them together, rather than what he's missed so far, but i know its not much consolation. We are reasonably confident the psyc report should be fine, but does anyone have any experience of undergoing them, so we can be prepared for whats ahead? I cant find any information anywhere.

Glad to help! 😉

If you need any help with the Position Statement when the time comes just give us a shout.

I'm sorry I cant give you any help with the psyc report... but maybe someone will drop by and advise you....fingers crossed!

sorry to jump in, but is it normal for the court to request a psyc assessment or was it something the bio mother requested? I haven't heard of that before? Good luck x

its something his sons mother has been alloowed to insist upon. She raised concerns over his mental stability at the first hearing. despite him having a letter from his GP stating he had no medical conditions affecting his suitability to be around his son, the judge ordered a full psyc assessment to put the matter to rest once and for all. i think he felt she would keep raising it if he didnt. Trouble is, first judsge said her legal aid would have to pay for it as shes the one raising issues. Second judge decided the cost is now going to be split so he has to find £1800. But we arent going to let that be a barrier. He did have a period of depression/ anxiety around 10 years ago when he lost a previous girlfriend to cancer and made a suicide attempt. He voluntarily sectioned himself, but was realeased without concern and has had no similar problems since, other than being prescribed sleeping tablets when his grandfather died. We have no idea how any of this will be viewed now though. So if anyone has any experience of psyc assesment and family court id really appreciate any thoughts.

Thanks

Hi

Can you confirm that he doesn't have a solicitor? If that's the case, I'll ask the CCLC to pop on - I would have thought that pending a psych evaluation, supervised contact at a contact centre could be considered even for a short period.