[Solved] How do I get main custody

Burtondad - Sounds like a really tough situation.

Would she be willing for you both to go to counseling to work some of the issues through e.g. Relate? Obviously i don't know much about your situation but i would encourage anyone to do all they can to try and save the relationship they are in - it will be better for you son and if you can make it work both of you. Would it be worth a shot?
There are a number of popular articles on our relationships section of the site which you might also find helpful : http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/categories.php ... k=articles

From the way you write the post she seems quite distant / lost even depressed? Has there been something that's triggered her recent behaviour? Are you able to get her some help?

Regarding the debt's, do check out our resources in the Finance section of the site including http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/categories.php?cat=Finance including the article on budgeting which has so really helpful links if what goes out is always more than what comes in. But i wonder if it might be worth a call to the consumer credit counselling service - we're working hard to get them doing advice on the site - but for now either try their Debt Remedy Tool or call 0800 138 1111 or visit their site http://www.cccs.co.uk/

I hope some of this is useful - let us know what you decide to do and how it goes.

I've forwarded the post to our friends at the children's legal centre to see if they can answer the main question about custody.

Buzz

Thanks Buzz, I know what your saying about getting her help, and seeking advice. But I can not force her to go to see someone, just as much as I can not force her out of the flat. Making it work would be the best option, but unfortunatly its like trying to tell an apple it should be an orange, The apple just doesn't listen.

I would suggest that you attend Al Anon - this is attached to Alcoholics Anonymous and is for those people affected by or related to alcoholics - you will learn quite a lot in a few weeks. I'm not suggesting you do this to help your partner - that's a decision only she can make if and when she's ready - but it may be very helpful to you to understand and to move on.

I have been where you are, any my personal opinion is that ou shouldn't put up with a rubbish life. If you can get her to seek help, then it's worth a shot, but in the long term, if she's intent on self-destructing, then it's a situation that could drag you and your children down also.

Actd - good idea on Alcoholics Anonymous - it looks like you can find a nearest meeting of AA on their website http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/ ... s/[censored].html

Hear what you are saying Burtondad and kinda agree with Actd too... i just know when a family breaks down there is pain for many years to come and so if at all possible try and save it... but not everything is salvageable and therefore for some its more damaging staying together... Its a tough call, but at least you are doing something about it.

\ Buzz

Just to clarify - Al Anon is not actually Alcoholics Anonymous, they are separate meetings. There is also an organisation attached called Alateen which is for children of alcoholics. There are fewer of these around, but if you can find one, may be very useful for your children.

Don't think just because you're a dad then you will automatically lose your son. I know that's how it mainly looks when a family breaks down - mum gets the kids - but if it goes to Court it is the Judge's job to decide where the safest place is for your son - and who he is mostly attached to. Also, depending on how old he is, his feelings will be taken into consideration as well.

But I agree with the other guys, if you can find Al Anon then it may be very helpful. I went to Alateen when I was growing up and I found it really good. My dad went to Al Anon and he said it was helpful as well. It just helps to know there are more people out there going through the same thing.

Good luck.

Don't think just because you're a dad then you will automatically lose your son. I know that's how it mainly looks when a family breaks down - mum gets the kids - but if it goes to Court it is the Judge's job to decide where the safest place is for your son - and who he is mostly attached to. Also, depending on how old he is, his feelings will be taken into consideration as well.

I can confirm this - I left my children with their mother when we divorced as I believed that that was where they belonged. When I removed them from their mother about 3 years later, the courts agreed that I could give them a far better environment for them to grow up in and awarded me custody.

Dear Burtondad,

Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, an independent charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people.

If you have Parental Responsibility then you have the exact same rights regarding your child as the mother does. You will have parental responsibility if you were married to the mother, are on the birth certificate of a child born after 1st December 2003 (this does not apply to children born before this date), have a parental responsibility order or residence order from the court, or have entered into a parental responsibility agreement with the mother on the prescribed form and witnessed by a court official.

If you do not have parental responsibility then the mother is the only person with any decision making power over the child, and you would not be able to remove the child from her care without her consent or a court order.

If you do have parental responsibility, then both you and the mother have the same right to have the child with you. This would mean that if you chose to leave you would be able to take the child with you legally, however the mother would also be able to keep the child with her legally and this can become rather difficult as the police often refuse to become involved and it can be very unpleasant for the child.

You can not force the mother to leave the home if her name is also registered on the deeds/ tenancy agreements unless the social services, police etc had been involved and removed her.

Mediation may be an option for trying to reach an agreement with the mother, however she is able to refuse to attend this if she wishes and any agreement made is not binding and can be altered by either party at any time. The contact number for National Family Mediation is 01392 271610.

You do also have the option of applying to court for a residence order (whether you have parental responsibility or not). A residence order is an order that states that your child lives with you and that he can not be removed by any individual without your consent or a further court order. Usually this is applied for after the parents split up when they can not agree on which parent the child should live with, but you are able to apply for this at any time.

You can apply for this either yourself or with a solicitor, it is your choice. If you wish to apply yourself the forms you require are the C100, CB1 and CB3 and these are downloadable from www.hmcs.gov.uk . There is a filing fee of £175 when making this application.

The court would alert you and the mother of any court dates and would hear all the circumstances. They would then make a decision based on what they believe to be best for the child regarding which parent the child should live with. The court can also grant shared residence arrangements in some circumstances.

The courts decision will be based on what is in your son’s best interests, which is their paramount consideration. If you were successful in gaining this order, and do not have parental responsibility, then this would automatically be granted with the order.

This order will remain in place until your son is 16 years old or thought mature enough to make his own decision regarding this matter.

We hope this information is useful to you, should you require further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help you.

Kind Regards

Children’s Legal Centre

really helpfull advice from everyone who has replied, many thanks, I will follow up straight away on some of these options.

Re Al-anon - found this really helpful summary on the netmums site (PLS DONT ASK WHY I WAS ON THERE!!)

For information Al-Anon is the 'partner' of Alcoholics Anonymous and provides local support groups for wives, partners, parents, siblings of people with a drink problem. You can find more details on their website: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Alateen, is part of Al-Anon but aimed more at young people aged 12 - 17 whose lives are affected by someone's drinking. http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/index.asp

You might also find it useful to have a read through the 'Big Book' on the AA website, it provides an insight into Alcoholism and has a really good chapter called 'To Wives' but applicable to anyone supporting an alcoholic. You'll find the contents page here: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/BigBook/toc.htm and it links to pdf files.