[Solved] How much weight does a 9 year old wishes weigh?

Hi again,

As you are unemployed, you are entitled to legal aid, but the system is getting reformed and legal aid will no longer be available after April. This doesnt leave you much time to get the ball rolling, as obtaining a legal aid certificate can take weeks, depending on the area you are from.

When the non resident parent is seeking custody, or Residency as it is now called, there has to be serious risk to the child. Neglect, although shocking, is not usually enough to remove the child from the resident parents care. When Residency is sought through the courts, both parents and the child will be interviewed by CAFCASS. This stands for the Children And Family Court Advisory Support Service and their role is to compile a report for the judge, this carries a lot of weight in court, and any recommendations that the report makes will usually be acted upon.

The older the child the more likely the courts are to listen to their wishes, at the age of nine your daughter is still a little young to decide with whom she wishes to live, but she will be talked to and her wishes noted. Obviously if she makes accusations of abuse, then this will be investigated.

If there are concerns about your daughters well being and you have issues with the quality of her care, then you can take it up with Social Services, but unless your daughter is at risk of harm, their response is likely to be luke warm. However this shouldnt prevent you from voicing your concerns and asking them to log your contact with them. You should bear in mind that if the Social Services pay your ex a visit, this may provoke her into denying you contact with your daughter.

I'm sorry I cant be more positive but from my experience the courts are loathe to remove a child, even when there are good reasons to do so! In my case, the mother of my 5yr old grandson, neglected him and used physical violence against him, was known to police and Social Services, and he was on the at risk register...with all of this they werent going to grant my son custody! It was only when she tested positive for cocaine and lied to the judge, that they reluctantly awarded residency to my son! She has another child who was left with her and is 9 yrs old, recently she has accused her mother of physical and psychological abuse with Social Services involvement, and her mother has just been caught with a cannabis farm in one of her bedrooms! Guess what, she still has custody of her daughter!

Hi nannyjane,

WOW, after reading your post and the part about the cannabis farm, I cannot believe she is still allowed to have any children living with her! Its very annoying to read so my heart goes out to you and your son.

As for the neglect there is only one thing i can think of that has put my daughter in serious harm and that would be the fact that she allowed a full grown man to share a bed with her. he had his daughter in the same bed so it wasn't just my little girl and him in the bed but none the less this to me just seems outrageous and it was very hard for me to keep control of my emotions when i found out about it. I always make the travel arrangements to pick up and collect my daughter but because she lives in a town 20 miles away this is not always possible as i do not have a car at present and rely on help from family members. I was then blamed for this incident by the mother who said it was my fault for not being able to get her!! (ridiculous)
On almost every occasion that i have not been able to get my little girl she had ended up in baby sitters hands whilst mum goes out on the town! I am almost certain she would not pass a drug test as she was always that type of person and i see no signs that anything has changed.

But there are many other issues that i feel drop into the neglect category. I will mention a few, even if there is no point i can at least get them off my chest!

For more than a year my daughter was riddled with nits and her mother WOULD NOT go through her hair, it was always left to me and it was this that really stared to annoy me the most because of how embarrassed my daughter was feeling at school and around friends. i was fighting a loosing battle here as i could never get rid of all the eggs and she wasn't with me long enough for them to hatch. I nagged and nagged for the mother to keep up with it and even asked her school to send her home, To which they replied they could not send kids home for nits as they have poor enough attendance as it is, Again (Ridiculous). The mother even told my daughter to lie to me and say that she had gone through her hair, My daughter will not lie to me so that was just more fuel to the fire.

My daughter also needs to wear glasses and was actually sent without them for more than 6 months. i was told she kept forgetting them! But then i bought her a laptop and told her she could not use it if she didn't bring her glasses. it was then that i found out that they were lost and her mother hadn't arranged new ones for all that time! I see that as neglecting your child's health needs and mum should know better as she herself needs to wear glasses but does not because she is to concerns with her looks.

Then there's this one that really gets me, When we split up we were living in my dads 4 bed house and it was me that asked her to leave, i would not let her take my daughter and told her that as soon as she had a place sorted for herself i would give Caitlyn back to her as i believed at the time that she needed mummy love more than daddies but was unwilling to let her drag my daughter from place to place when she had a stable environment already. This ended up taking almost 2 years, so from the age of around 3 - 5 Caitlyn was with me and i learned about all her dietary needs. I had to provide pack lunches for Caitlyn as she will not eat most of the schools food and would simply go without. When ever i ask my daughter what she has had for lunch she tells me that she didn't like what the school served and only ate the carrots or other piece of veg, she loves healthy food but is a fussy eater and her mother knows this but still refuses to provide packed lunches. WHY? Kids cannot concentrate on empty stomachs so to me this again is a form of neglect.

I could go on but there are so many issues here that i would be here all day,unfortunately!

I find it very discouraging that mothers can get away with so much abuse and the courts are still un-willing to consider what's best for the child. I feel that there is no question that she would be better of with me and i could nurture her in a far better way than mum is doing. I think my daughters knows this too and although she is 9 the intellectual conversation she is able to hold and contribute to surprises me. Whats more is i know her mother is incapable of holding such conversation and it was this that broke us up over time as i could not stay with a person for the sake of my child if there was no form of communication whatsoever.

After reading your response i feel that seeking residency, although unlikely, is my only option here. I have talked with my daughter about the possible difficult questions she could be faced with if this situation goes any further and every week she come to see me the first things she says is that she is still 100% sure that wants to come back to live with me, even thought i have explained to her the consequences of moving schools, loosing friends etc.

Even if i am unsuccessful the interviews that will be conducted will hopefully raise enough issues to actually make mum consider all the forms of neglect she is inflicting on her child and attempt to change them!

Sorry for ranting on but it really does help to get some of this off my chest so thanks for listening.

I guess my only questions here are how do i start the ball rolling in terms of legal aid and a residency order?

Regards

Nick

Hi Nick

As I said I wish I could be more positive.... Before my son got Residency of his son, there was a catalogue of neglect. Her house was party central, bags and bags of empty cans and bottles outside. Inside the house was filthy and utter chaos reigned. Their bedrooms looked like a dump site with filthy bedding and animal feaces. No food, lack of personal hygiene, piles of dirty clothes and none to wear...the list goes on, but this was not considered enough to remove them, they were on the at risk register, but there was no monitoring. It was only the drugs and the lying that tipped the balance. The fact that we highlighted to the judge that the Social Services dealing with the Mother were under an Ofsted report for failing the children in their care may well have helped them decide to do the right thing....we were on the ball!

You would need to find a solicitor that handles legal aid cases, and look for one that has links to children and family panels and family mediation if possible. It is the solicitor that applies for legal aid on your behalf and it would be helpful for you to take proof of benefits etc when you attend so that they can get the ball rolling.

In the meantime, it would be helpful for you to start a diary, and make note of everything that concerns your child or your ex. Keep a log of all conversations, txts, emails etc., in fact anything and everything that is relevant!

You could call the Social Services with your concerns, especially mentioning the incident with the shared sleeping with an adult male and the fact that the mother saw nothing wrong with this. Ask them to make note of everything you tell them and to log your contact. If you state that the child is at risk, they have a duty to investigate.

Once you start down this path, it can get pretty nasty and often the resident parent will stop all contact and may start making accusations of harrassment and even domestic violence, so be very careful not to place yourself in any situation where this could happen. Just be aware!

Good luck with everything 🙂

Thanks for all your advice so far, I just have one more question.
At what age will a child's wishes be taken into account? another words if i go down this road and i do lose contact how long will it last before she has her own say?

Thanks again

generally, the age is around 12 or 13, but there is some weight given to childrens opinions before then.