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Hi all,
I have a shared residency agreement with my son's mother. I have him alternative weekends and two nights each week. Over a 14 day cycle I have him 43% of the time. On top of this I have him for additional overnights inc bank holidays, a share of school holidays, some special occasions,etc.
All-in-all I would say that when I tot up these additional overnights it means that I have him around 50% of the time throughout the year.
A few months after a fairly amicable split matters became very acrimonious between his mother and I and she stopped all contact with my son. I was able to restore some contact through negotiation between our solicitors and I ultimately managed to regain full contact without the involvement of the courts. This wasn't by design, as by the time my legal aid certificate came through (nearly 6 months after applying for it) my ex had been dumped by the father of her unborn child and wished to resolve the issue amicably. I had a solicitor at the time and she advised that court action was unnecessary, as there was no longer a contact issue and the courts couldn't intervene if there wasn't a problem to deal with.
Things have been ok for nearly two years, but in recent months I have become concerned about her attitude towards our son. She asked me to increase my overnights with him, which I was happy to do! A few weeks later I received a phone call from her whilst she was in tears telling me that our son's behaviour was out of control. I haven't had an issue with my son's behaviour, but went to see her and told her that I'd monitor the situation. I also asked her if she needed any more support from me, but she said she was fine. Two weeks later I got a text message off her telling me that his teacher had raised an issue with her about my son's behaviour and how she'd noticed that he only misbehaved after he'd had an overnight with me. When I asked his teacher what her concerns were, she played the whole thing down and was puzzled as to why I thought she had any concerns with my parenting skills. In essence my ex had exegerated the whole thing.
A couple of weeks ago my son was injured and received a very deep laceration to his forehead that needed the attention of a plastic surgeon whilst he put to sleep under a general anaesthetic. It happened on her weekend to have him, but she'd left both children in the care of their grandmother. It was a genuine accident and I don't blame anyone, but she didn't exactly rush back to be by his bedside. The accident happened at 4.45pm on the Saturday and she still hadn't arrived back by the time the hospital had given me the all clear at 4pm the following day. She took him to school the next day against my wishes. I spoke with his teacher again on Thursday and she mentioned that she and the headteacher had discussed whether he should have been in school at all the previous week. I told her that I agreed completely and then went onto explain about the extent of the injury. She looked genuinely shocked.
My son's mother works two and half days a week giving her plenty of time to be with her 18 month old daughter, but not my son. On Thu evening when I picked my son up she told me that he wouldn't be at school the following day as it was a staff training day. When I said I'd return my son to her at 8am before I went to work ,she looked absolutely aghast and told me that was far too early. I had to agree to bring him back at 9.30am????
Anyway that's the back story!
My reason for posting is that I've discovered that these weekends away have been quite frequent in recent months and I understand that her new partner lives out of the area and they are having something of a long distance relationship.
My son's mother makes rash, emotional decisions. She places more importance on her own emotional wellbeing than anything else including, in my opinion, our son. It would not be a suprise if she turned around tomorrow and said she was taking both children and moving to wherever her new partner lived. I don't actually know where he lives, but it must be some distance away if she can't get back to be with her child within a 24 hr period of him having an accident.
There is no residency or shared residency order in place, but I have my son 50% of the time. I'm not sure how much contact her 18 month daughter has with her biological father, but I he lives in the immediate vacinity.
I'm not panicking and don't think I'm overreacting, but I'm long enough in the tooth to see that there is a possible threat to the level of contact I enjoy with my son.
I know that I could possibly apply for a PSO to prevent her from leaving until after a residency hearing. I would argue that he spends 50% of the time with me already and is settled into a routine. I would cite her history of self-harming and the more recent issues with my son as reasons to why he should stay with me, but I also know how courts are loathe to split siblings 🙁 One assumes that the biological father of my son's little sister wouldn't be overly impressed with his child moving away, but from what I'm told he sounds like a responsibility dodging scumbag and it wouldn't suprise me if he didn't care less.
This whole thing has made me realise that the relationship that I have with my son has very little protection. If I had the shared residency agreement enshrined within a court order, I would have considerably more peace of mind. If I had such an order, am I correct in thinking that my ex would then be required to apply for a full residency order to remove him from the area?
Any thoughts guys? Will a shared residency order afford me and my boy a little more security?
...I think it would. From the sound of it there is a possibility of a move happening and so I think a pre-emptive strike is necassary. Theres no point closing the door once the horse has bolted is there!
As you have your son for 50% of the time with no formal agreement it seems to me making it more official will afford you added security.The last episode with your sons accident does ring some alarm bells, even the schools response indicates that....Have you thought of involving CAFCASS or childrens services, perhaps a chat with them about your concerns wouldn't go amiss.
My son has residency because the mother wasn't capable of looking after my 5yr old grandson. The court decided it was in his best interests to be with his Dad and although there was discussion about splitting the siblings (he has a 9yr old half sister) it didnt outweigh the concerns for my grandson. The Social Services actually stated that she was ok caring for 1 child but having care for 2 was too much for her!! I do feel sorry for my grandsons older sister because the mothers house still has cleanliness issues and the same problems with hygeine etc still exist... but at least we dont think there are the same issues with drink and drugs that there were when my grandson lived there.
Good luck with it but I get the feeling you already know, deep down, what you need to do.
I would have to speak to children's services, as CAFCASS aren't an option until I make an application to the court. The problem is compounded by the fact that if I apply and just send her a summons, she could just stop contact again and drag the whole process out for months.
I was rather hoping to take some of the sting out of it by asking her to come with me and be totally transparent about it to help ensure that it goes through uncontested. I was going to suggest to her that we really need the order in place to ensure that there are no doubts as to who he should be with in the event that something should happen to one of us. If I tell her it's actually to make it as difficult as possible for her to take my son out of the area, I doubt that she'll be as agreeable 😉
I think I may speak with my son's teacher again. I guess it's always an idea to have a secret weapon up your sleeve in the event of a possible war?
I hear what you're saying but wont she get on the real agenda when you're in court? Or would you apply for the PSO after the shared residency has been established.
If you take her with you and are transparent during the process are you going to suggest she self represents too?
I truly understand your need "not to rock the boat" , but I think it will be quite difficult to achieve. Its a tough call for you, theres a lot at stake and you have already experienced the pain of denied contact....once bitten etc.
All I can say is think everything through in detail, picture every scenario that may occur if you apply for residency/shared residency, so that you can be prepared for every eventuality.
I was hoping to avoid solicitors altogether, but I'm sure a court would advise her to seek legal advice as a matter of course.
The only way this could be done with the least amount of fuss would be through mediation, but that's a pointless excercise unless it's a form of court appointed mediation and we can agree that an official shared residency order is what we both want. I guess there would be requiremnt for all the usual checks and balances from CAFCASS prior to the order being made, but I think that's the best case scenario.
I don't think I've got enough of an argument to justify full residency at the moment. That may change, but I would prefer for the sake of my son that it didn't.
I sincerely wish that I'd have carried on with my application and obtained shared residency, but my solicitor (and hers) advised that there was no longer an issue that needed the attention of the court.
I will probably contact the CCLC tomorrow to see what level of protection a SRO provides - ie, would it mean that she would need the permission of the courts to remove him from the area. I'm aware that it may only be a delaying tactic and that she could ultimately convince a court to allow her to take him away, but I want to put up as many obsticles and make it as difficult as possible for her to do something like that.
If something's going to be a hassle, she usually can't be bothered and drops the idea...
Spoke to the CCLC and I could apply for a shared residency order, but whether I get it depends on the judge.
They could issue an order at the first hearing if it were uncontested 🙂
However the court may also adopt the 'no order' principle, which means that the judge doesn't believe there's a problem and isn't convinced that it would benefit the child (my son) to be subject to a court order. Any order 🙁
So I would have to raise my concerns regarding recent welfare issues to legitimise the application, which I know will be met with an immediate thermo nuclear explosion on the part of his mother and she will make contact difficult or impossible as she did before :boohoo:
My advice to any other dad who has gone through a period of not seeing their child and has had to go through the process of getting a solicititor, or the expense of having to arrange a course of mediation, or the frustration of waiting for a Legal Aid certificate, is this; if the mother suddenly wants to resolve matters amicably to avoid court, go ahead with the application anyway and insist on a programme of court appointed mediation so that an agreement can go back to court and be enshrined within the relevant order. If you have had allegations made against you and mediation isn't an option, then go ahead with your application and don't stop until you have the contact/residency order.
If you've been through it once, don't invite a second opportunity...
I'm sorry that the advice isn't as positive as you would have liked FM. It looks like you have some tough decisions to make....
Have you any idea what you are going to do?
I'm seeing his teacher tomorrow. Whilst supportive over the issue of his injury, I doubt that there's much she can realistically do...
... I can't express how much I regret not progressing the court application for a shared residency order. I was talked out of it by my solicitor. I remember saying to my solicitor at the time that we should proceed as the order would offer a modicum of security in the future, but she suggested that a court may very well make a 'no order' ruling and persuaded me to drop it.
So the fear of a 'no-order ruling' means that one parent can deny contact, force the other parent to hire a solicitor and endure a 6 month wait for Legal Aid, but can suddenly turn around and agree to reinstate contact right at the 11th hour, thus negating the issue at hand and avoiding court altogether. To be honest, at this stage, you're usually just so relieved to have matters 'resolved' that you don't think about any future consequences.
Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life.
...Try not to beat yourself up over it. You're a nice guy and you listened to your solicitor, which is what most poeople would have done... With hindsight you would have done things differently, but you didn't have that...this is one mistake I know you wont make again! But bottom line its not your fault.
Its a mighty pain in the [censored] for you, but you'll work it out I'm sure.
Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life.
No it wasn't - the solicitor may have been right in what she said, it's something you will never know. But it wasn't the biggest mistake of your life because you were doing it for all the right reasons. It's just a fact of life that things don't always go the way we want, but you can look back and know that you did your best - that's all anyone can ever expect of themselves.
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