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hi everyone im in this situation and things are getting a bit much now. if i tell the story and if anyone can give advice, or even maybe some re asurace its all going to be ok.
here goes....
in febuary my ex parntner told me that her son who was nine at the time (from a previous relationship) had been sexually abusing my 2 at the time daughter. social services where brought in and my ex had to sign a care agreement to keep them both apart 24 hours a day.
i didnt try and take my daughter at this time because i was assured that everything would be done to keep her safe and that she should be kept in a familiar enviroment.
in june we started having meetings as both children we put on a child in need plan and at the first meeting it came out that my ex had been raped when she was 15 by her stepdad. To cut the long story short both children were not allow any unspervised contact with both my exs step dad and mum.
at the meeting in july it was asked that my daughter come stay with me for the 6 weeks holiday as my ex had lots of issuses to sort out including attachment issuses with her son. while she was staying with me more stuff had happened to her and that my ex allowed my daughter to sleep in the same bed as her step dad. i was then advised to take out a residence order to stop my ex trying to take my daughter from me, the social worker even wrote to the judge saying how important it was for her not to go back. my ex didnt turn up at court and i was given the order but to return to court in febuary for a review.
from when i got the order until now my ex is really trying to play dirty, shes making up lies about me, she twists everything i say and what my daughter says to make me look bad, one of the most recent was i had a letter from her solicitor saying i am causing my daughter psychological and emotional damage. my ex even took an over dose while looking after her son then told the police it was my fault she done it because i "took" our daughter
social services have closed my daughters case saying that she is safe living with me, shes doing really well at nursery and shes growing up well.
i dont have a solicitor because i donmt quaify for legall aid and i cant afford the £240 an hour i have been quoted where as my ex doesnt work and gets it all paid for.
she seems to think that she will be getting my daughter back but she cant go back after what shes been though already and if she went back it could happen again
thats pretty much everything sorry if it comes across mixed up
what im really looking for is advice whether the lies my ex is making up will count for anything as they have only arisen since i got the order and also anyone else who has been in similar situations and how it went.
also what sort of chance do i have without a solicitor and my ex having one?
thank you for reading this i hope it makes sense. 🙂
Hi Mart1n,
Thank goodness your daughter is now safe with you and being looked after. This must have been so upsetting for you and even though you now have your daughter, I can understand why you are feeling insecure.
As upsetting and worrying as it is dealing with your ex's accusations, I honestly dont think that the court will give your daughter back to her. The Social Services have backed you completely and are happy enough with the care your daughter is receiving that they have shut the case. As you say your daughter is happy and doing well at nursery, its all good!
The fact that your ex has attempted suicide since you got custody and is blaming you, is a good indication that she is unstable. The courts will see this too. When you return to court in february your daughter will have been with you for about 7 months, is happy and settled and doing well in your care, this will be taken into account and I'm pretty sure that they will grant you full residency without further reviews. The courts are very experienced and will see that her accusations have no substance and are just a ploy to try and get custody back.
The fact that you dont have a solicitor isnt an issue, as Residency has already been granted, I see the next court hearing as more of a formality really. It might be a good idea to keep a diary of any incidents and communication between you and the ex. Dont put yourself in a position where you are alone with her, and if she does anything that is inappropriate in any way, then keep a record of it and have a word with the Social worker that has been involved with your daughters case. Just try and stay calm and dont react to your ex, just rise above it....
Does your ex have contact with your daughter? How is that handled?
Good luck with it all Mart1n and try not to worry too much, the worst is over, your daughter is safe 🙂
thank you you dont know how much better that has made me feel 🙂
the residence order also included a contact order which said that and contact that we both can agree on has to be supervised by me
i first offered every other weekend that i meet her half wayand we will meet for 4 hours. that was fine until she demanded every other weekend on a saturday for 8 hours. i got some legall advice ( i could get legall help at the time) and they said it was really unreasonable because i also have a 1 year old with my current partner and i also work six days a week so i offered her every three weeks i would meet her half way and inbetween these times if she gave me enough notice she could come local to me ( she lives in clacton and i live down in kent) we stuck to this for a couple of times although she would never come local to me, then i started getting threats and abuse from both her and her mum and on two occaitions i called the police. im now offering more or less the same but every three weeks she can come to a meeting point nearer to me and inbetween if she gives me enough notice and we arent busy she can come and see her local to me.
she has refused this saying she now cant travel because of her depression and anxiety and she has panic attacks if she travels to me. she hasnt seen my daugther now for nearly 9 weeks and she says its all my fault
i have spoken to lots of different people and they all say that the child shouldnt be put out by the travelling and the other parent should come to the child but my ex insists i have to take my daughter to her.
Hi there
It might be advisable for you to set up supervised visits at a contact centre. This would be at a set time and she wouldn't be able to move the goalposts in the same way, or accuse you of anything. You have very good reasons, because of the accusations, to arrange supervision by a third party and the court will understand that, especially as you have been subjected to threats. As supervised contact is part of the residence order then by arranging a contact centre you are still fulfilling the terms of the contact order.
The other thing you could do would be to write to the court and explain that as you are being subjected to threats and false accusations, you would like to be permitted to organize a contact order at a contact centre, or return to court to vary the contact order to encompass this change. .
Hello,
For my money I would take the initiative, and be proactive and as the last person said organise a contact centre mid way between both parties. Reasons being:
1. You are clearly demonstrating you are the person most concerned with the childs welfare.
2. Well all know that a child has 2 parents, they need to know both.
3. We would all like to put some of our past behind us, but what your daughter has been through, that would be difficult. It needs to be considered in terms of how the contact will proceed with your ex. and a Contact Centre with Supervised Contact would certainly be the way forward for the medium term until the relationship with daughter mother is re-established. Then thoughts can turn to the future.
Kindest Regards,
Brian
thanks brian that will really help. 🙂
i did write to the judge asking for the contact order plus i asked for a non molestation order but she wrote back saying i had to go through the proper channels and apply for both of them. the court has already changed our date once and i was told if you keep going back to court inbetween review its gives the judge the hump and its not recommended to go back. i think i can deal with my ex until febuary (i hope) then bring it up then.
i really do appreciate all the help your offering, and its so good to talk to people about this and have feed back. thank you 🙂
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