[Solved] Im losing my daughter

Hi,

It seems to me that yo are still in a position to speak to your ex and negotiate (before even trying mediation). I would consider having a couple of contacts at your ex's house, and assuming that goes well, see if you can speak to them both and tell them what you would like and ask them what they think you need to do for that to happen - and listen to what they say.

The problem you have at the moment is that if you go to court, you could alienate your daughter even more, and from what you have posted, I don't think your ex has behaved in a particularly unreasonable way, so you would have a lot to prove. I'm not saying that you shouldn't keep the option open to go to court, it's just that I think that you may have better options open to you that you need to look at first.

Hi laker75

Welcome to Dadtalk. I'm sorry that you are going through all of this with your daughter. It does sound as if she is being influenced by her mother, which sadly is very common. You managed to maintain contact with her as much as you could and she seemed to enjoy her visits to you. The language she used and the reasons she gave as to why she didn't want to stay over were likely to be those of your ex. It's so sad when parents use their children as pawns like this. Your ex should be putting the needs of your daughter first and not her own selfish agenda.

Mediation is a good move initially although if your ex is saying she won't attend then you may have no choice but to get a court order. I know you don't want to damage your daughter further by demanding she spends time with you, but if you read through some of the other posts from dads in similar situations, in the main they say it was worth it, to get contact back on a regular footing. I hope it will be the case with you should you decide to go down the legal route. I hope other dads will post their thoughts. Good luck.

OK so an update of sorts:
I have tried asking my daughter on a few occasions why she doesnt want to sleepover (I just want to point out that she still sleeps at her grandads house overnight at weekends) and she told her mum to text me and tell me she didnt want to talk to me about it anymore and I was not to ask her why she didnt want to sleep over, when I did ask she would just clam up and not say anything.
She didnt ring me on my birthday and didnt contact me on fathers day which made me very upset and if Im honest, angry too, though I have tried as hard as I can not to show my daughter how upset I was. My partner contacted my ex and asked if she had got me a fathers day card and was sent back a barrage of abuse on her phone and indirectly through facebook.
This year my ex did not tell me about a sing up assembly that my daughter had at school because I missed it last year and was told the reason for this was "I told (daughter) that I wasnt going to tell you it was on just in case you didnt turn up again" - now that sounds like promoting parental alientaion to me. I did point out that she neednt have said anything to my daughter and just text me telling me when it was on, luckily I happened to see her school newsletter and turned up and watched her all the same!
Things have ben getting alot worse lately and she will sometimes call me the day before telling me I can have my daughter the next day, which makes it impossible for me to do anything as Im always unsure of when I am having her next. This is making me angry and I (foolishly) exploded when I dropped off my daughter last night and stormed off without saying goodbye to her, and then she text me saying that she wasntgoing to come over on the prearranged Sunday because I had made her cry.
I rang my ex again today to plead for her to come to mediation as we both want the best for our daughter and both dont like seeing her upset which the current situation is doing but it ended up again in a slanging match and her refusing to go.
There are other things that have happened but too many to list here, Im going crazy with stress.
Im still going to mediation alone, dont know what this will achieve, but think the time has come to call my solicitor because something has to be done, I will not see my daughter upset anymore.
I also want my daughter to be assessed to see how she really feels about me because she seems to enjoy her time with me and is always stalling when I have to take her home, I have read this is possible but not sure how, where etc.
Just want some more views/advice on this matter, as my ex is not stopping me access but is limiting it and making it very difficult and is saying it is my daughter that is choosing it and Im not allowed to talk to my daughter about these subjects.
Thanks for listening!

Hi

Your daughters answers do sound like they are being influenced by her mother. But she is in the middle of it all. You do need to stop.
Do not force your daughter to take sides, she is still very young. Just try to make your daughters visits more fun, are there other children around when she visits? Kids like to be friends and play with other kids. Try and get as much info as posible from her school, some are better at this than others. End of year play next week?

I asked her mum when her parents evening was and I was at work she stalled me all day then 15 minutes before it was due she text me saying " it is at 4 o clock Courtney wants you to come" , 15 munites before and it was imposssible for me to go! I had to ring my daughter there and then to tell her I couldnt go, and her dance class (which i pay for) she wouldnt even tell me what time it was.
Im i the process of breaking up with my GF over this Im done so much personal stuff has been written about me and my family, she and her family have threatened to beat me my GF and my family up on facebook calling me a [censored] wanker my girlfriend an interfering [censored] (when she asked if Courtney had got me a fathers day card because I asked her to) my sister too has been threatened to be sorted out.
Too far Im going to court she is systematically destroying everything.

You need to keep a record of every event that takes place, save and record every text / email / letter / phone conversation etc...
if threats are being made to you in any form that you can prove - facebook you mentioned - contact the police and get them to issue an Harassment warning to her! she will either stop it or will end up in more trouble.

I've learnt the hard way and very quickly about that one! i never reported my ex for harassement because i never thought about it, i just thought i'd be laughed at....i was once n told "to be a man about it" which is why i never pushed it....
i asked my ex how my son was several times with no response, no bad language or threats nothing, but she reported me to the police claiming i was harassing her....i am now fighting the police through a the Professional Standards Directorate (Complaints dept.) due to them realising they issued them to me due to false allegations but failed to repremand my ex correctly which allowed her to look like she's not done anything wrong in court n show the warnings still against me putting doubt about me for contact with my son!
the i have a meeting next week with a local Chief Inspector to try and get this looked into and resolved before i return to court for contested contact hearing in a 6weeks time.

So if i have advice......record everything.....report everything no matter how small it may seem to you it'll help you show her for what she really is.

I wish you better luck than i am having with my ex

So another update!:
OK so I took my daughter swimming today and asked of she wanted to go on a bike rideon Thursday (I have taken 3 weeks off work to do stuff with my daughter) she was excited and wanted to go, so when I dropped her off I told her to go in and ask her mum if its OK, she told my daughter she is not discussing it and say bye to your father, to which I got wound up and said that I needed to know now because I had to book the bikes. She threatened me and I reacted and came home.
So now I get an email saying that I cannot see my daughter on my own as I cant control my temper ( I didnt shout just said that shes abig woman your mum and that she threatened me), im not allwoed to take her on Thursday and cant see her on my own and cant take her to legoland with her cousin (who is staying over) next week.
My question is does there need to be a reason that I can only see my daughter with someone else there? And how does this person get chosen, I really need a solicitor, and will sort one out tomorrow as this is going to court, as I asked the mum to sign a parental responsibility agreement and the answer was no.
It seems that in order to hurt me she is hurting her daughter too, this is not right and Im not going to allow this to happen.
Sorry need to get this off my chest and have a rant, thanks for listening.

Hi there

Before contacting a solicitor speak to the childrens legal centre - their number is on this site - they will be able to answer these questions.

It does look as though you may need a solicitor soon as you ex is clearly using everything against you and exaggerating too, If you havent already start keeping a diary of these events as they may well prove useful.

As for shouting - surely this cant be a reason for non contact!

Hi laker,

I would suggest you get a C100 completed, if you need pointers, contact us.

Loosing your temper is a simple way of an excuse stopping contact.

Too many women do this in my opinion, and it is nothing that shows a quality in an otherwise good mother, quite the contrary doing this it puts them on the slope of bad mother.

As for shouting - surely this cant be a reason for non contact!

Yes and no. It shouldn't be, but if the mother intends to go back to court for a variation of the contact order, she probably wouldn't be penalised by the court for stopping contact until the hearing if she argued that she has concerns for the wellbeing of her children.