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Hi all,
Just looking for some clarity about the next steps in my situation, here's the story so far:
Me & my ex have a 3 year old daughter, lets say her name is Kate for the purposes of anonymity. We were together for around 4.5 years and lived with each other for around 4-5 months. As is the case with any relationship we had our ups & downs. I could have behaved better and done more for my daughter, I admit that. Anyway, long story short we split up and she kicked me out.
At this point she changed her phone number etc. so I had no way whatsoever of getting in contact with her or my daughter. Eventually I'd had enough and spoke to a solicitor, when the case got to court my ex (quite surprisingly) began to lie through her teeth. She said I domestically abused her and Kate. So, that was me, contact centre for 1 hour per fortnight (I hadn't seen my daughter for 4 months). After a couple more hearings in court, she told her solicitor that I'd been turning up late and leaving the contact centre early (this is not true and the contact centre had actually taken note of the times I had arrived/departed). She also said that after Kate had visited me in the contact centre she would wet the bed etc. (The visits went brilliantly and we had a great time). Strangely though, after a little while my ex seemed to have been calming down. (She gave Kate a picture of her to give to me in her new nursery uniform).
On the run up to Christmas I made a huge mistake. I wrote a letter to my ex saying that I hated going through court and still loved her and that I understood why she was angry at me, I put my number at the end of the letter and asked if I could speak to Kate on the phone on Christmas day, the next day she called me. We spoke away as normal and she asked if I wanted to come over and see Kate. I duly accepted.
One thing led to another and we ended up back together. (Weird considering I was a domestically abusive mentally ill druggie as previously she had described to her solicitor). After a week or so we both contacted our solicitors to let them know about what had happened and that we were back together. The court process was put on hold.
Low and behold after living with her and Kate again for a month, I went on a night out with friends from work and when I returned she would not answer the door and I had to return to my dads. I got a message the next day saying I could collect my stuff from my ex's mothers, which I did.
This was about a month ago, since then she wont answer her phone. I went to my solicitor the other day and she said I should get a hearing in the next few weeks but in the meantime the previous court order (contact centre access) was still in place (thankfully).
What I'm looking to know is; given her history; is my ex likely to lie again about the reason we split up? Further accuse me of things she has in the past. Or does the fact that we got back together completely blow her lies out of the water?
Confused isn't the word
Cheers
Hi Fasttrax,
Welcome.
This is a tough one to answer as you are asking us to predict what your ex will do, If I could do that then I'd be much better off with my own ex 😉
I would imagine that a judge would take into account that she let you back, however bear in mind that if she was claiming abuse then she may continue this and say she felt threatened into allowing you back.
Do you have all the letters, do you have any txt ect still that could show how she was towards you while you were back together for the short spell as i would have thought these may help, if they show normal life type conversations.
Darren
Hi fastrax and welcome
I would say that the fact that you have been allowed back is almost totally irrelevant - I know someone who works with domestic violence and it's certainly not uncommon for an abused person to repeatedly go back to the abusive relationship (and then if the relationship does break up for good, to go into a new abusive relationship) - this applies to both men and women BTW. The courts will be well aware of this so the fact that you went back cannot be taken as a guarantee that she was lying about the relationship. At best, I would say that you mention it in passing, but don't make a big issue of it - if the judge wants to question your passing remark, then that's their decision and you can expand further at that point.
Thanks for the replies,
Sadly I don't have any txts or emails of the sort to prove the way the relationship was when we were back together. Surely the courts will see her for the lying vindictive person that she is? Or do they just deal in black & white?
Unfortunately there are no places in the contact centre at the minute so it looks like I'll need to wait another while before I see Kate again.
I cant help but feel she will drag this out to be as long and painful as possible, which is sad considering Kate was so happy to have her Dad back, I just wish my ex would see it this way.
Cheers
Hi Fastrax,
The courts will err on the side of caution, so it's not uncommon for an ex to make up allegations of abuse to slow the process down. However, over time, a court will usually be able to see the inconsistancies in unfounded allegations.
I'm afraid you're left playing the waiting game for the moment 🙁
FM '70
Hi guys,
Today was my first day back at the contact centre to see my daughter. My ex never turned up and when the people at the centre tried to contact her they were not able to. She did not contact the centre whatsoever. I've since been told that she was out drinking lastnight. Any ideas how this will affect my plight, if at all ?
Cheers
Hi
It's your ex will certainly have to explain her refusal to even notify the contact centre, so it doesn't do your case any harm. How did you find out that your ex was out drinking, and to what level?
Hi there,
Thanks for replying. Long story short, another father who is in the contact centre seeing his kid is in a relationship with my ex's sister (who her family have disowned somewhat). Thats who told me she was out drinking the night before.
Was at my solicitors today and yesterday, up at court on the 19th, my solicitor mentioned that sometime down the line there will be a BAR report. This is an independent solicitor visiting my daughter in her mothers home, and also coming out to my home to see how things are, and also monitoring the contact between my daughter and I (when it does eventually start again).
Anyone ever had a BAR report before?
Yeah I'm in Scotland, I told her I'd been researching online and asked her if it was possible that someone monitors contact etc at the minute as I feel this would be best for me as it would speed up the process (my daughter is brilliant with me and each time I've seen her at the contact centre in the past she's ran straight into my arms).
Hi Fastrax,
Family law in Scotland is different to that of England and Wales. We have something called the Coram Children's Legal Centre that offers free advice to parents, but you'll need to liaise with The Scottish Child Law Centre ( http://www.sclc.org.uk). They offer a very similar service and will give you free legal advice on how things work in Scotland.
Give them a call and they'll be better able to advise you on how to proceed and on what to expect.
Cheers,
FM '70
Ah, not sure that the scottish child law centre will beable to help, cclc can't if you have a solicitor - worth a call anyway though.
From what I've seen quickly on google, sounds like the bar report is the scottish equivalent to our cafcass report, so isn't unusual.
Thanks guys, I genuinely feel that this bar report (cafcass report) is the best way forward in my situation, my ex is saying that my daughter is afraid of me etc. But I find that strange considering I seen her for the first time in over a month yesterday and when she seen me she ran straight to me and into my arms (as she ALWAYS does).
If an independent solicitor seen the way we were together I think it would soon swing in my favour.
Im not asking for my daughter to come overnight with me straight away, but to get out of the contact centre quickly is my main goal for now, then when my daughter wants SHE and only SHE can decide wether she wants to stay overnight with me or not.
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