[Solved] Is there any hope for me ?

I'm afraid my opinion isn't going to be what you want to hear (though it is only an opinion). In order to force your ex to allow contact, you would have to go to court to get a contact order. The court are going to look very poorly on your record to date, and your ex would probably make the argument that if you constantly let your daughter down by not turning up to contact, then contact could be more harmful to your daughter (it's emotional abuse) than if contact was not allowed.

If you are genuine about wanting contact with your daughter, then I would suggest that you speak to your ex (possibly through your mother) and say that you want to be part of your daughter's life, and start off by sending cards or letters, and then after a few months, try to speak to her at least once per week by phone, and if so, then you'd have more chance of getting a contact order in court.

If you can show that you can keep this up for a period of months, then maybe your ex would be prepared to let you see your daughter - possibly at your mother's since she seems to be someone who you both trust.

If the above seems a little harsh and a long process, you have to look at it from your daughter's point of view - you have a lot to prove to her before she can rely on you.

Hi Fran

Mate thanks you for joing the dadtalk community and also thansk for being brave to say it as it is. ; )

I think, again as hard as this will be to read, Actd's is pretty much hitting the nail on the head ... sorry : He's right in encouraging you to talk to your ex and that if you really mean buisness then to expect that to be a long haul journey.

I think you need to look at what your reason is for the change of heart because the bottom line is that your ex, your daughter, your folks, the courts will all be looking at that too. Its great that you want to be involved and we applaud you in wanting to do so and will encourge you all the way, but i guess we just (like Actsd) want to paint a realistic picture for you. There are no magic wands to turn back the clock 7 years, so its all about showing people that you mean what you say. 😉

I would suggest that the legal route is not the best option its too "all guns blazing" you want the softly softly approach my friend. Actions speak louder than words and if you are still involved with you daughter in 3-5 year that will give you a starting place to talk about contact and shared responcibility.

Girls need their dads to show them how beautiful they are, to show them respect, self worth etc - these are the foundatios for maturing into women who are confident in who they are on the inside. 7 is a very important age and a very fragile one so please tread gently as you venture back into her life. Think about what you need to apologise for not only to your daughter but to your ex who is obviulsy aware that your duaghter needs contact with extended family members hence her invlovment with your folks.

What are your thoughts?

Fran - Well done for deciding to step up the plate and wanting to get involved in your daughters life.

Its going to be tough to convince your ex that this time its for real, as you yourself has admitted that on five or six occasions you have tried to get involved and then disappeared again. Don't even bother if you are going to disappear again, kids need stability and parents who are there for them no matter what.

I have always been pulled to other social events with girls, acohol and money

😡 you need to sort your priorities out - somewhere there is a 7 year old who needs to know that she is the most important thing in the world to you and needs to be put before anything else - if you can't do this then don't even try to get involved again.

However if you do really want to be involved and take on all that that involves then great, but you need to build some serious bridges. First of all with your ex - I would go through your Mother and your Sister in the first instance, try to talk to your ex face to face. Explain what has changed, explain that your realise that you have been in the wrong in the past and you would like one last chance to try and build a relationship with your daughter. Take things slowly and remember your ex is the one who has been there for your daughter for the last seven years, cared for her, supported her, loved her. Maybe try to arrange to meet your daughter when she is with your ex or Mother (supervised visits if you will). Build it up slowly and don't expect solo access for a long while. You have to build trust with your ex so that she is able to see you as something else other than an absent father. You need to prove your there for the long haul not a drive by. At the moment you have no moral right to be involved or be allowed access to a daughter - Legally I wouldn't want to comment but I don't think the courts are the right way to go.

You are incredibly lucky that kids are wonderfully forgiving and as long as you show love and genuine interest in her then, I'm sure in no time, you will get your daughter to trust you.

So basically I'm with harveys dad and actd on this one.

Please only get involved with your daughter if you intend to stay involved - no more drive by's mate you'll only end up screwing your daughter up.

Keep us posted on what's happened.

hi guys ... first of all thanks so much for all of your responces.

I think If I am as honest as I possible can be , would be the only way to truly understand my very difficult situation.

I understand that everyone advices me to be patient and to not expect to have my full parental right automatically... but that is what I want. I know I have not been there but as mother told my ex "He admits he has made mistakes but everyone makes mistakes and shouldn't be punished dramatically for it all the time " her response to this is simply that I have had one too many chances and have made one too many mistakes and that she feels that it's time for her to draw the line for the first time (which I admit she has never done this before). Does she have that right?

My ex has gotten on with her life she has a long term boyfriend (who my daughter has seen and lived with from when she was around 18mths) and two other children she has started uni this year and so says that she needs all the time she can have with all three children, my mother is quite upset because she hasn't seen my child for ages now and my ex has given her permission to go to her house and see her but my mother says it's not the same! also my ex will only alow my daughter to stay at my mothers house 2 days max during the school holidays as she also wants my daughter to be involved in holiday clubs and other activities. Is that fair?

My Ex says that my daughter is not a baby anymore and that she has a right to have a nice social life with other children.....Is that right ?

I have also moved on with my life I have a girlfriend of two and a half yrs now but we have had horrible fights in which my ex has become aware of which therefore has also given her more ammo to be a little afraid and hard for her to trust me 😳 .

My Ex in the past chances that she has given me has given me conditions to seeing my daughter such as : when I have my day with my daughter I should only spend it with her ( my child) and no one else not even my girlfriend ..... her reason is because she says that I dont know my daughter very well and neither does she and so therefore we should get to know each other first before invloving anyone else .... IS THAT RIGHT !

I dont see it as fair because how did she have a boyfriend ?

I am soooo confused .

Hi Fran

I'll ask our legal experts to come on and give you some free legal advice on what you can expect.

Mate - i appreciate that things are really confusing for you, your heart is pulling you all over the place, but it will be the same for everyone else too, you ex and your daughter.

I'm going to carry on with the frank and honest appraoch that you appreciate... Your ex sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. She seems to have given you lots of opportunity to get invloved and included your extended family in your daughters life. Mate this is very very rare, ex's don't always act so nicley! 😉

I know you want to get things sorted and i know that you want full parternity rights, and thats ok, but you really need to go gently.

"He admits he has made mistakes but everyone makes mistakes and shouldn't be punished dramatically for it all the time " her response to this is simply that I have had one too many chances and have made one too many mistakes and that she feels that it's time for her to draw the line for the first time (which I admit she has never done this before). Does she have that right?

I think after 7 years the answer is yes she does have a right, and i'm not talking legal speak here just parental speak. She has the right as a your childs main carer to say enough is enought. But it doesn't sound like she is closing the door on you just putting some firm boundaries/guidleines in place. She basically saying i've given you opportunities but you haven't stepped up to the mark , which you seem to agree with. But if you show her you can be a good dad, trustworthy, considerate, caring, helpful, selfless, compassionate,encouraging, understanding to name a few things off the job description then she will be more willing to expand those boundaries and give you more of a say and more responcibility.

I have also moved on with my life I have a girlfriend of two and a half yrs now but we have had horrible fights in which my ex has become aware of which therefore has also given her more ammo to be a little afraid and hard for her to trust me

Again honest responce to this is it's not more ammo for her to fight you with, its more things you need to work on in yourself. It will be hard for her to trust that you can be caring and considerate if she hears this kind of stuff.

My Ex in the past chances that she has given me has given me conditions to seeing my daughter such as : when I have my day with my daughter I should only spend it with her ( my child) and no one else not even my girlfriend ..... her reason is because she says that I dont know my daughter very well and neither does she and so therefore we should get to know each other first before invloving anyone else .... IS THAT RIGHT !

Again your ex seems to be happy to let you in, but is wanting to do that gently and carefully - she is considering your daughters feelings and that is good parenting. If you are wanting to build a relationship with your daughter then having 1-to -1 time is a great opportunity, many dads only get to see their kids with social workers along side and they are't dangerouse dads, its just the way the system sometimes works out. If your ex is offering you 1-to 1 time then take it and enjoy every moment of your daughters attention, she (your daughter) will value the private time you have together. Many dads i know take their daughters on date nights where they go out for a meal and spend time alone investing in their father daughter relationship. This is being offered to you on a plate. The truth is your daughter and you don't know each other and you need to invest in building that relationship over and above your girlfriend. It shows your daughter value and displays to her your full intention.

Re the boyfriend - if he has been around since you daughter was 18months then to be honest your daughter will currently think more of him then you as she will know and trust him more. He is going to be a strong role model to her and she will have built a bond with him. You just need to accept that.

Your ex sounds like a mum who is doing whats best.

I'll ask our legal experts to log in.

Fran - I do feel for you mate I really do.

This is a bit complicated I know and none of us here will have the complete answer....all we can do is talk from our point of view. The good news is that you both seem to want the best for your daughter which is a really great start.

The best thing for your daughter is to know that you are there for her, love her and is interested in her life. The worse thing for her would be to know that you and her mother are battling over her.

Your ex is right in that your daughter has her own life, while you have been away another male role model is in her life (your ex's boyfriend) who has been around through all the important parts in her life so far. Does she call him "Dad" ? she would have built a relationship with him and your Ex is going to feel like she needs to protect his part in her life.

I have rewritten this two or three times this is quite difficult situation to advise you on.

Basically kids are simple they want to know they are wanted, loved, safe and important to the people they care about most. Its us adults with our paranoias, agendas, fears and hang ups that cause the problems for them.

Somewhere along the line you and your ex need to sit down and talk like adults - no arguments, no agendas - really talk about what is best for your daughter. Family is important to kids so it is important that you Mother, Sister and yourself have a part in her life but just as important that her mother and partner are there as well. You need to remember that you ex is just trying to protect her daughter and wants the best for her and somewhere there will be a compromise that while may not be what you both want, may be the best thing for your daughter.

Good luck mate - I guess my point is that you and your ex need to communicate and really need to be honest to each other and to yourselves.

hope this of some help.

My advice, as before, is to start with writing letters. I would suggest that the first one is an apology and admission of your mistakes - and I would suggest that you consider handing this over unsealed to your ex (via your mother) so she can see that you aren't trying to lay the blame elsewhere. You have to get your ex to trust you before your daughter to some extent as she is the greatest influence on your daughter now.

Dear Fran,

Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, an independent charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people.

We apologise for the delay in responding to your query.

You mentioned that the mother is your daughter’s resident parent (the parent with whom the child lives) and this therefore gives her the right to control any contact that your daughter has with other people, including yourself.

The mother does have the right to tell you if you have contact, where, when and for how long. She does also have the ability to say that she does not wish for you to take the child away from her, or to see your girlfriend or anyone else until she believes an appropriate relationship has formed between you.

The mother is the resident parent and your daughter lives with her and knows her well, and as her main carer the mother can decide when it is suitable for the child to be introduced to her boyfriend.
It is not reasonable for you to expect immediate unsupervised contact between yourself, your girlfriend and your daughter as your daughter is likely to need time to bond with you and be comfortable with you prior to this. It is reasonable to expect that a parent forms a relationship with a child prior to new partners being introduced.

The mother is able to allow your daughter to see her friends and attend clubs etc as she sees fit. The mother is still allowing contact with your extended family, although she is not legally required to do so, and therefore it would be very difficult for anything to be done about this except apply to court, however as they are receiving contact on a regular basis it is unlikely that they would be successful in gaining a court order.

If you are not happy with the current situation the first option that you will have is to suggest mediation. This would give you and the mother a chance to discuss what you feel is best for the child and see if an agreement regarding contact can be reached.

As has been stated in other posts, your daughter’s best interests is the overriding factor, and you should both act in what you believe to be her best interests - which may not be the same as what you want to happen.
Mediation should always be the first step and often the court would refer a case to mediation instead of hearing it if this has not been attempted.

You do have the option of applying to court for a contact order if you wish. This will require a full court hearing and the judge will make a decision as to what is best for the child. This process can take between six and twelve months from beginning to end.
It is likely that if you are successful the contact would be supervised initially, as your daughter does not have a relationship with you and the court generally do not feel it is in the best interests of a child to be sent with someone she is not familiar with.
What is best for the child would be a decision for the court to make, however the previous circumstances will be a large factor in their decision making process.

It would be advisable that you attempt the mediation, as it is likely that you and the mother could agree something much more flexible and suitable than what the court would award.

At present, the best thing for you to do is to negotiate with the mother and try to agree something that you are both happy with. If you can show that you have formed a relationship with your daughter and you are reliable over quite a long period of time, the mother is likely to be more trusting of you and you are likely to have much more success if, in the next few years, you feel the need to apply to court.

We understand that you may want full contact and parental responsibility immediately, however it should be your child’s best interests that are the paramount consideration in the matter. It is unlikely that you would obtain the level of contact that you want without having shown prior commitment to your daughter.

The contact number for National Family Mediation is 01392 271610.

We hope that this information is useful to you, should you require further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help.

Kind Regards

Children’s Legal Centre