[Solved] issues not covered by courts HELP!

Hi Anon,

Welcome to DadTalk! I'm genuinely sorry to hear about your situation, but you're amongst friends here!

I've asked one of the moderators to move your post into the Legal Eagle strand, as I think you'll benefit from being in that area of the site and hopefully someone will drop by and give you a bit of advice in an hour or two...

FM '70

Thanks FM for that - moved now 🙂

Hi Anon

First question, can I ask how old your boys are - if you were divorced 10 years ago, I assume they must be older than that, and were you married to your ex at the time the children were born?

One change that may have occurred is puberty and a growing sense of independance - that doesn't, of course, mean that your ex isn't encouraging them to miss contact, she may be seizing the opportunity that she's been given.

I will ask our legal experts to pop on and give an opinion with regards to your rights and what you can reasonably do next, so keep an eye out over the next couple of days.

Hi anon,

As children grow up, they will have a natural tendancy to want to hang out with their friends more. Its part of growing up. Unfortunately, it can often mean that people such as yourself are going to get left out somewhat.

If they are aged 13 or over, its unlikely a Court will enforce the Contact, as they will most likely refuse to go anyway.

In my opinion, whats better at the teenage type of age is arranging trips here and there and inviting them along. A fantastic idea with the weather we've been having lately is inviting them round for a BBQ.

As actd has said, your ex may be rubbing a little bit of the situation in and could in all fairness be manipulating them a little. But focusing on some quality activities and regularish phone calls may be the way forward 🙂

Dear Anon,

At Coram Children’s Legal Centre I am afraid we can only advise on legal matters and it appears that you are looking for a more practical solution.

We would advise that if the mother is not complying with the contact order then you can take the matter back to court for enforcement.

If you do not wish to take the matter back to court and the mother will not attend mediation then all we can suggest is that you try and speak to the mother or your children to try and work out a new arrangement.

If you have any further legal questions please do not hesitate to contact us.

Yours sincerely,

Coram Children’s Legal Centre.

Thanks for the advice everyone, my boys are nearly 10 and 14 so yes I sadly realise the courts will simply say the boys can choose, my worry is that they, until very recently, never went against what I said as we sat down and spoke about changes and have continued our expectation...that if they do not wish to come on a court ordered day that they ask me and as long as we don't have plans or it doesn't mean we do not see them for long periods that we will move or forego contact. Trouble is when they ask their mum she says she has plans (then makes plans) for any time we want them and wont allow any change or simply says no and they accept this but when I say no (only for previoulsly given reasons) their mum supports their atttude of being allowed flexibility as they mature and not having to see us. Whilst losing time with my boys is devastating, I have always known it would happen..as it does to all parents whether or not the child lives with them 100% however my main worry is the emotional damage to my boys...they in the last year have really began acting as their mum: if someone says something they do not like or asks them to act in a way they do not wish they just shut that person off and refuse to communicate; perfect example my eldest child did not want to come see me in feb half term (as per court orders) he was happily texting me and my wife then minutes later my ex texts to say the boys did not wish to come and that she supported their decision. She then went abroad without them, told the boys not to say where they were staying and the boys went along with this; my youngest suddenly afraid I'd shout at him so would not call me (we have tried to casually ask why he thought this as I rarely shout at him and he could not explain why) my eldest would text to chat generally but refused to say where he was or talk about why he did not want to come for any part of the week. I am concerned that my ex who has a history of depression is passing on her coping mechanism that if you don't like something or someone that you pretend it's not happening or block them out. What will she do when they want to smoke, do drugs etc and they are not learning that what a parent says should be respected and discuss if unhappy about.

It is really worrying how in 12-18months my boys have gone from wanting to see me more to not wanting me at parents evenings, football events, come on holidays with us etc...I am concerned that the change is beyond growing up and is a result of my ex's manipulation and them "coping" as she does or doesn't!

Hi anon,

Sorry to hear of the situation.

Is something afoot at their home with their Mum as they don't want you at Parents evening?
Has Mum got a new boyfriend?
Have you got a new girlfriend?

In all honesty, it does sound like they are being manipulated. Mum is being seen to give them freedoms and a choice and while you are trying to be flexible, it always seems to be at your expense (aka your time) with relation to them.

Could you offer them both to go to the Cinema? Offer to call and pick them up this Friday and go and see Wrath of the Titans (12A so your 10year old will be fine (as you are an accompanying adult)). Its just getting your foot back in the door.

Be careful not to raise the subject of Mum, you don't want to put them on the offensive. You could really do with getting them over there and to coin a phrase "strike while the iron is cold" (while doing something mutually enjoyable) on the issue of them not wanting to come. Something like "I've really missed you being here, we've done XYZ lately and it would be nice if you came along so we could show you next time you came over"...

Would there be any chance of working around the problem - possibly Skype or phone call with your children at a set time each week, starting off for a few minutes and building up from there?

Failing which, you could write to them each week - text to say you have dones so each time so your ex can't stop the letters getting there.