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Hi,
My story is a long one, and so I wont tell it all now. But will try to keep it brief..
My wife and myself havebeen married 3 years in April, we have 2 children, a boy who is 4 and a half a girl who is just over 2. Just before Christmas my wife told me she no longer wanted to be with me, for no real reason apart from we had lost our "connection" and she didnt feel the same anymore.. We had been busy with life, the children etc and had drifted, but nothing out of the ordinary. Since then it has become apparent that there is another man involved on her side who she is now seeing.
Through the whole time since she first told me she has been totally unreasonable, making me feel like the "bad" guy etc.. She left me with the mortgage and refused to pay it, moved out and took the children when I was out for the day at the end of January. She has shown no consideration for their stabilty or for my feelings as a dad to the children.
Up until she left I was always the one who kissed them goodnight last at night, I gave them 99% of their baths.. I always led the way with how to get them in routines, how to settle them etc. Although I work full time and my wife works part time, my job is very flexible and so I have been able to support her fully with the children, often coming home early when she couldnt cope. She has been on anti depressants for a year for OCD's and low self esteem, caused by previous relationships and lack of support from her family and her behaviour has been very unpredictable, and recently it is even worse. She came off of her antidepressants during our break up, which seems a strange thing to do.
Through the whole situation, I have been reasonable, I have had angry upset moments as anyone would who is loosing all they have, but we have managed to work past this.. The past few weeks we have actually been getting on ok and almost like old friends again, however, she is always only one step away from being nasty to me and using the children against me. She wants the children to meet the new man, even though their relationship is not "official yet" and the children are struggling to settle in her new home. The past 2-3 weeks she has rung me, emailed me and texted me asking for my help with the children as she couldnt get them to settle etc.. To which I have been supporting for the sake of the children. Without my supprt i do not think she would have got through those tough times. When the children stay with me they are totally settled and happy, and I am extremely close to them.
This weeken just gone I had the children and my wife sent me a message on sunday demanding that she wanted a wardrobe from the house, which I had already agreed weeks ago I'd let her have. Oon sunday I was busy having a nice day with the children so I couldnt let her come round and get the wardrobe.. Since this she has turned nasty and is refusing to talk to me and is saying she wont agree to my proposals with regard child residnce arrangements etc..
So.. My question is this.. If I take her to court to sort out residency, what are my chances? Currently I have the children every other weekend (fri, sat, sun night) and every Wed night. I also do half of the school runs for mmy son and have him for tea often. My daughter though isnt at schoool so her routines are different. this means that on the weeks that are my wifes weekend, I dont see my daughter from wednesday to wednesday - a week, which is too much for me to bear, as an "equal parent". So I have proposed to my wife that I would like 2 extra days in every 2 weeks (the tuesday night aswell during the week) which would mean we both have the children 7 nights in every 2 weeks - so 50/50. I have worked out the routines, my work, her work, shcool, nursery and it all works out without impacting on their status quo.. She has now rejected this and is being very nasty to me again even after all I have done for her. Her resoning in an email is that when my daughter goes to school (in 2 years!) we can have 50/50 then as my wife will be able to work more and have more money.. so there it is her reasoning comes down to money and the fact that if we are 50/50 she would get less maintenance and maybe other things... This to me is just twisted and wrong.. My main priority is the children, and I'd do anything to have my share of time with them equally. I am concerned about my wifes state of mind and I have many bits of evidence to back this up. the problem is how to go about this in court. I am a professional and well paid, however my wife leaving has meant that I have £30 a month left over after all bills etc.. which is shocking, she has literally taken everything from me to be with someone else and then make me out to be the bad guy!
What do the family court take into account? I am worried that because the default is that men get every other weekend I wont get much sympathy or my case ont be heard properly. I really do feel that 50/50 is the ideal situation for the children and it doesnt mean any diruption to them. What does court cost and how should I go about this? I do have a solicitor already but really came on here for some support and advice from people who have been there etc.
Any advice much appreciated
Tom
I'll leave the technical stuff to the Childrens Legal Centre on this, but in my experience of the courts, there is no such thing as a default position and even though sometimes the judges may look old and/or stern, they are very sharp thinkers and don't miss anything, and their judgements are intended to be in the best interests of the children.
I think you have a very good chance of getting a lot of access from what you have said, and it's definitely worth going to court as it's the only way that your children, and you, will have certainty of contact.
I was wanting to know this too,
I only get to have my kids from 2pm sat till 2pm sunday on "my weekends" ............Thats 24hrs or 2 days a month. I would love to have them fri/sat till late sunday but i wouldn't have a clue how to go about it. my ex is a very strong minded person and seems to dictate what i can and can't do even 2yrs of being apart.
A mate im work says i have every right to have them longer on a weekend (you already have yours a full wk end) but i would like to know how to go about it.
I have recently been billed by my solicitor £599 to discuss the removal of some of my property without my concent and for longer access...........i had no luck with my property and she agreed to agree to 2 extra hrs (was previously 22hrs i had them)
Total [censored] joke this country and those who pay there way get shafted and seem to have no say. yet she's quite happy to spend my csa on [censored] for herself.
[censored] fuming!!!
HI pete-c,
Welcome to the forum, it sounds tough to have such limited access to your kids especially when they mean so much to you. I will pass your query over to our legal partners the Children's Legal Centre for some expert advice.
In the meantime I'm sure some Dadtalkers would be happy to give you some advice
Hang in there mate
Gooner
Hi Pete - That is shocking! My situation sounds alot better in comarison, but it doesnt feel like it, I guess like you I just feel that an time without my children is just lost time, as I have been so so involved in their upbringing.
The access you have though is very very little, I really couldnt cope with that - Part of my reason for gfoing for more than I have is that my wife is unstable and I am concerned that they need me in their lives to enable them to be balanced etc.
I though the minimum legal access was 2 nights so fri and sat every other weekend - surely your solicitor can take this to court with you and at leat get that?
I really do sympathise with you and your children as it is the children that suffer as well.
the world is an injust place!
I used to be in the position of seeing my kids every alternate Sunday from 11pm to 6pm, and having to drive a 400 mile round trip to do that (my ex-wife moved 200 miles North almost immediately after the divorce settlement, but hadn't told me she was planning this before then). This went on for 2 years until it became apparent that she wasn't coping (alcoholic) and was neglecting the kids, at which point I took them back and went to court for custody, which I won - fortunately, I had a lot of support from my family, plus the children were quite clear that they wanted to live with me, and not their mother.
I'm not aware that there is a legal minimum for contact - it's done on a case by case basis and the paramount consideration is what is best for the children - in my case, my ex now gets supervised access (now relaxed a bit to allow the to leave supervision during the contact period) to my youngest daughter for 4 hours, once a month.
Sorry if this doesn't sound too encouraging, but I suppose it's useful to have an opinion from the other side. Having said that, in my case, contact is so restrictive because it's best for my daughter both for consistency (used to be twice a month, but her mother was very unreliable at attending, so we went for a variation to reduce it) and for my daughter's peace of mind.
However, unless there are factors as above, I don't see any reason for you not to be able to have your contact increased - you already have an overnight stay, so I don't see why that couldn't be increased to two nights (ie a whole weekend) every couple of weeks plus some school holidays.
As for child maintenance, it's unfortunate that the mother can spend the maintenance on whatever she choses - my ex certainly did not spend much of the money on our children.
Dear tomtom80
There is no set amount of contact that the court grants to non-resident parents. Contact or residence is decided on a case by case basis and the court takes into account what is in the best interests of the children rather than what either of the parents want.
It is possible for you to apply to the court to resolve the residence situation however you do always run the risk of the contact being lessened from the current amount that you have. The court considers maintenance and contact to be completely distinct areas of law however the court are not naïve when it comes to maintenance being a consideration for the resident parent when deciding how much contact to grant the other parent.
A shared residence situation is not appropriate for every situation. The court will want to see that you and your wife can get along for the benefit of the children and for practicality reasons (school etc). There will also be practical considerations such as the geographical distance between the parties. This being said, there has been an increase in shared residence being granted in recent years.
The court has to look at both parents on an equal footing and the judge will make a decision based on the evidence presented to court. As stated previously there is no set amount of contact that the court will grant as standard as every situation is different. What suits one non-resident parent may be completely unacceptable to another however. crucially, the decision is based on what is best for the children and the court may not make a order in line with what the applicant wants.
In this situation we would suggest mediation rather than application to the court. The benefit of mediation is that you and your wife still have control of the situation and the matter is not being taken out of your hands for a third party to make a decision. You can find out more information regarding mediation by contacting National Family Mediation on 01392 271610.
We hope this information has been useful and if you would like to discuss the matter further then please do not hesitate to contact the Child Law Advice Line on 08088 020 008.
Kind regards
Children’s Legal Centre
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