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Hi.......
So this website could save me. I've read some stories in here that i have great sympathy for and it is slightly comforting to at least see that there are other people going through a similar [censored] unleashed onto them by an unreasonable woman.
My girlfriend kicked me out of our shared rented flat in june and has been making my life pretty miserable ever since (although she had a good go at it for a long time before then......). It was not my choice, i did nothing to warrant being thrown out and having the locks changed on my own home, something in her calmer moments she has admitted.
Our son is 16 months old. I have been a hands on dad since he was born, getting fully involved with everything i could. The problem is my girlfriend has an explosive temper, and she would often lose it in front of our son. To the point of screaming abuse at me while our son cried, repeatedly kicking a door in that i was standing behind whilst holding our son trying to get away from her...... She would try to control and manipulate me, and would always threaten me, and still does. She is doing the textbook wrong thing to do uses him to get to me and will sometimes stop me from seeing our boy or make it difficult to arrange access.
We attempted to enjoy a peaceful christmas, at her request, which lasted a full 10 minutes of me arriving before she lost it and started to throw all of my presents at me, threw all the christmas dinner out of the fridge, told me to f@ck off to my fat c@nt family and punched my face in to give me 2 black eyes for christmas.
I went to the police who said if i made a statement they would arrest her immediately and bring her in to face ABH charges. But i didn't want to start the legal business because she would then stop me seeing our boy for however long it takes to get to court...... I know i might regret this.
So there is a bit of the back story. I need to point out that generally i have been looking after my boy once a week, it is just i have go through huge dramas almost every week to do so.
There are a million things i need to ask, but i will try to cut them down to start.
1. Am i allowed to take him away for a holiday??? There has been no agreement of access, as she is consistently unreasonable. I always try to come to an arrangement, and she never does, often changing at the last minute etc etc. I am on the birth certificate. She always says 'it is not in his best interests to be apart from his mum for 2 nights'. Will i be 'kidnapping' him if i do???
2. Will any court order for access take into account her unreasonable behaviour??? I have records of emails where she is being, at best 'difficult', and alot of texts of threats and her being emotionally abusive, but nothing from me as my phone doesn't keep my outgoing texts. Will this be seen as [censored] for tat, she said i said???? I have no records of her spitting in my face and only photos of my black eyes. She smashed up my stuff, which she may have admitted in an email. I had to get the police to help me retrieve my belongings as she wouldn't let me get them . She has been referred for therapy and prescribed anti depressants (they don't seem to do a lot!), i don't really want to mention this but i'm sure she won't worry about raking up false accusations (she told the police that time i was abusing her I WAS NOT)
3. Can she just take him to northern ireland where her mum lives or any other country to live, like she threatens to do all the time??? If not how can i stop her???
4. I ideally want to share custody (well deep down i would like to have full custody and make her get 2 buses to my flat and tell her to F%@K off and slam the door in her face coz she is 10 minutes late and make her go home empty handed like she did....) as i think he needs us both. Is this likely??? Is this something to go for now or do i have to play the system and wait until a basic access order is in place???
Wow. Sorry to have gone on and on but there is a lot on my plate and i am in despair.............
Hi and welcome,
As you are named on the birth cert you have good rights to see your child.
You will need ti try and gain an agreement for longer contact though as if you just keep him longer than agreed you will be putting yourself on the back foot when and if it goes to court, or risk your ex stopping contact.
You will be able to take your son on holiday but again this would need to be agreed especailly if out of the country and equally your ex needs your permission to travel out of the country too.
I would suggest you try mediation first to see if you can reach an agreement of contact before looking at court, court isn't always the best way to go until you have explored the other routes.
I would maybe think about either checking your phone to see if you can set it up to save sent messages (pretty much all phones have this function now, or try and get one that can, or everything you have becomes one sided with no proof that it is un prevoked.
Darren
Thank you for your quick response!
Ok the phone thing is a problem, i got an iphone for exactly that reason but i couldn't get on with it.
She simply refuses to let me look after him for 2 nights in a row. Its all completely unfair as she has been to ireland with him several times. But i gave up on fairness long ago...
So mediation is the first step (i am not confident she will stick to any verbal agreement...) Then an access order? Can i apply for joint custody then? Or is that a separate issue?
Thank you
What phone are you using?
if you can gain an agreement in mediation you can have it written into a legally binding agreement either through the court as a court order or through a solicitor.
Darren
Hi
I use a nokia old school one. I used to transcribe the text conversations, then i just kept the old phone, then i have a newer [censored] nokia that keeps a few more of the sent ones but not enough to really show the full context of how antagonising and provoking she can be while i am trying to be reasonable. And i have genuinely tried to reasonable and not rise to any of her tricks, as i have had one eye on the fact that this all could be in court.
I have one or two recorded conversations and my brother recorded us on his phone when we attempted to get a few bits from the flat. She started to smash my possessions up and hit me and him all whilst screaming at us, while we stayed fairly calm. This is why i had to get the police involved to get more stuff, because she tried (and still tries) to say 2 big burly men went round and forced our way into the flat and intimidated her. Its amazing how she still stands by this, as the truth is pretty much completely captured on film......
Anyway. Mediation. What is the average cost of reaching any agreement???? I know it must vary, and it would probably take my situation the maximum possible time as she would argue long after everyone went home....
Do you just have a proposal for the future with regards to how much you want to see your son, and the mediator takes it to her and she agrees or not as the case may be (definitely a not!!!) ???
Mediation can work in one of 2 ways, the easieast is you both sit in a room with the mediator and discuss and try to reach an agreement, the mediator will keep things calm and promote calm discussion, and try to syggest compromises that might suit your situation.
The other isn't as easy, where the mediator will become a go between and you sit in different rooms with the mediator going between the 2 of you to again try to gain an agreement.
The main thing to remember though is that until written unto a legal order there is nothing stopping either of you changing your mind on something that was agreed to.
The cost will vary, the first bout of mediation I did was £150 an hour where as the second time was only £90 for an hour and a half
Darren
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