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Hello all
I have a 4 and a half year old son and since my breakup with his mother 2 years ago I have had lots of issues which I have tried to deal with out of court.
I have parental responsibility as I am on the birth certificate and I have also paid child maintenance to his mother since the day we broke up, In the two years since the breakup I have missed 1 day with my son when all the public transport was stopped due to snow for a full day. This was a Saturday which I said if it was still the same I would walk to see him on the Sunday. About a 9 mile trip luckily the weather had cleared up enough for busses to run by the Sunday.
I have always tried to be fair with the mother and have always helped her out when I can eg paying maintenance early and buying extra that she said my son needed like clothes etc.
For the first 6 months after the breakup she was fine and things went smoothly until I met my new partner and well it has been a nightmare ever since. A few months ago my son was in hospital overnight with a chest infection and whilst I was there he was asking for my new partner to look after him. Obviously his mum wasn't best pleased and she had a face like thunder.
I am considering starting mediation but before I do I would just like to know where I stand on a few things.
1st issue is she refuses to let me take my son on any trips in the Uk or abroad because she says he is not allowed to share a double room with me and my partner. Yet she is quite happy to send him on holiday with her parents while they share a double room. Can she stop me from being able to take him? I only wanted to take him to the beech for a weekend when I had him but would also like to take him abroad when he is a little older.
2nd issue and the latest one is on this weekend when I have my son overnight a friend from work is leaving and will be going overseas who I have worked with for 8 years. He is having a few drinks to say goodbye to everyone. Obviously I can't change the day that has been chosen. I informed her that on Sat night once I have put him to bed and he is asleep I will be popping out to say goodbye for an hour. I will not be getting drunk or staying out and my mother who my son knows very well will be at my house for the hour or so whilst I am gone. She has kicked off saying I don't care about him etc etc and it's my own fault for abandoning him etc etc The same story I have had a million times before.
She is refusing to let me have him overnight and says I should have him after I finish work on Friday instead. I refuse to do this as I don't finish work till his bedtime and he is always exausted at the end of his school week. Dragging him to my house at night to put him to bed just seems unfair on him to me. I would loose 7 hours of time with him whilst he is awake yet with me popping out on the Sat I loose 2 hours whilst he is asleep yet.
When I spoke to a solicitor when I first started having problems she told me that whilst it is my sons time with me as long as he is safe that it is non of her buisness where I take him (within reason of course) or what we do.
Is there anyone that can give me a legal viewpoint on this if I was to take these issues to mediation or court?
I have just run out of energy to fight her anymore it's just a neverending nightmare it seems. She is taking my son on holiday in Oct and asked if I would pay towards it last week which I said yes I will closer to the time once I have some spare cash. Due to her not getting what she wanted straight away she then slagged me off to our mutual friends saying I was a lousy dad and my son is scared of my new partner. If it is not the constant slagging me off to people I know she is on her fb putting vile rants about me on there. Both of which I refuse to retaliate to and go to her level.
Thank you for any help it's much appreciated. I just keep hitting a brick wall of abuse everytime she is in a bad mood.
Hi Jonjo, basically what the Solicitor told you is right.
What was the cause of the break up ...I mean was it you or her. If it was you and you have moved on, she is probably full of jealousy. If her, well its probably a case of I don't want you but I don't want anybody else to have you!
Does she have a new partner?
Whilst strictly speaking contact is for you to have quality time with your child, an hour out for a friend leaving is a special occasion and if your mother is to babysit...she is being very unreasonable. Its shame you told her about it and I wouldn't do it again!!
You pay maintenance which includes his holiday...so asking you to pay extra is a bit of a nerve really, although I do appreciate you saying that you are happy to give her more money, but it seems you suffer financially too.
I would keep printouts of the comments she puts about you on Facebook (the bane of every solicitor's life.! 😆 So many people do that now!)
I would strongly suggest you go for mediation. If you decide to take court action, they like to see you have attempted mediation anyway, even if she does refuse to go. It will also be a lot cheaper than court. Also if she does not want to attend mediation then you know the game that she is going to play and you will have to consider court.
Thank you very much for the response... The special occasion would be the first time in the 2 years that I have ever gone out or anything like that.
I broke up with her is the short story... Long story involves her saying she was on the pill when infact her friends told me too late she was lying. I tried to make a go of it and moved in when she got pregnant and was there three years but was just miserable and couldn't take it anymore. Was only ever suppose to be harmless drunk fun but oh well I got a beautiful son out of it so I will never complain.
Unfortunately she doesn't have a new partner which I have always thought would make my life so much easier. She doesn't work and spends all her time now sat infront of a fb screen. She has 2 friends that I know of who are also single mothers. She had lots of friends but she has lost all of them with how she has been since.
I thought letting her know what I planned to do was the right thing to do rather than someone telling her after or her finding out some otherway and I didn't feel like it was something I needed to hide.
I wouldn't say I suffer financially it's just when she asks for more I work overtime which takes a while till it's actually in my bank. If she tells me he needs new shoes I buy new shoes.. If his clothes are getting small I will go out and buy him new outfits. I don't mind as long as I know it's for him. The day she gets his maintenance money ever month she tends to go out the same weekend so no guesses for where his money goes.
I really appreciate the reply. Thank you for taking the time.
Jonjo
Hi Jonjo...
Aaha..that's the crux of it isn't it...she has not moved on 🙁 I totally understand why you told her...but having done it once, I certainly would not be doing it again! 😆 She and those friends all winding each other up too.
I suppose the risk you run is if she finds you out in something she is going to stop contact isn't she.
However, you have handled things properly but it hasn't worked, so now you have to choose the other path!
haha so it would seem....
Do you know if she has any case to say that I can't take my son away overnight if he has to share a room with me and my partner?
Also I ran the legal aid calculator for mediation just curious if anyone knows if that is based on just my income or myself and my partners? I know the first time I went to solicitor they said I wasn't entitled to help but I can't remember if that was joint income or just me alone.
Always annoyed me whilst handing over my first £500 to the solictors that my exs sits on her [censored] and gets everything for free. She gave up her 2 nights a week job saying she didn't have time because she had to look after kids. She has a daughter from a previous relationship. Yet when we broke up for the first few months I would still babysit for her daughter too whilst she was gone but she just didn't wanna work and now lives the life of luxury!
Heres a fact sheet put out by Gingerbread Jonjo, perhaps you could print it off for her.
www.gingerbread.org.uk/uploads/media/17/7222.pdf
I really don't think she has a case to dictate about holidays with you and your partner...she is implying that you would behave inappropriately when sharing a room, which is just ridiculous.
It might be worth trying Mediation and failing that going to court for a Specific Issue Order, which would allow you to take your child on holiday... and you could encompass future holidays abroad in the Order. too.
I think the LA for Mediation would take into account your partners earnings too, if she lives with you. The sum of £2657 before tax is the threshold so if you and your partners income exceed that then it doesn't look like you would be eligible. As your ex is on benefits she would be entitled to free Mediation.
Thank you that was a very interesting read!
Yes together we earn more than that so no luck there. I think mediation is going to be the next step as she constantly says I have no rights.
On reading that PDF I noticed it says if both parents have parental responsibility which I do then when it comes to taking the child abroad the parent needs the other parents written permission to do so? Is this the case? I ask because she will be taking my son to Gran Canaria in Oct and hasn't requested anything like that? I would make sure I gave her this because I wouldn't want him to miss out on a holiday.
Thank you
..Yes it is the case, And perhaps before you give her the written permission you could use it as a way of opening a dialogue with her about your rights to take him on holiday too! 😉
I think its wrong that they take a partners income into account, my son encountered the same problem, even though he was a student his girlfriends wage took it above whats allowed, why should she have to foot the bill!
Very interesting 🙂 How does it work thou? Would she get stopped? I know when we went on holiday together with her daughter from her previous relationship she didn't get stopped or anything?
Possibly because she has her mums last name not her dads whilst my son has my name? Which the cheecky mare also thought she could change without my permission. That was a big shock for her!
Also yeah it does seem a bit unfair but oh well! I have a lovely fiance now and she is incredibly supportive of me 🙂
Yes, it could be the name being the same in her daughters case, and as your sons has your name passport control could pick up on it...that's what you can tell her anyway! 😉
This could be fun. I think I will try find some more information about it. God can't wait to see her face when she finds out 👿
Permission to take a child abroad has come in a lot over the last few years and many time I have had to prepare a document that the non-resident parent or grandparent etc could take a child abroad. Its all to do with child abduction and making efforts to prevent that. As you said, probably your ex' daughter has the same name as her mother, so there were no difficulties.
£2567 is the monthly figure and yes, your partner's income will come into it, providing you are already living together. I agree with NJ, that is so wrong!
Have fun! 😆
Yeah a friend told me they had a similar problem but also found quite alot of mothers who also didn't bother and have no problems. Scary what sort of spiteful mothers you can find on google... Also ones that I can completely agree with two in terms of violence and other issues. Seems strange how it works.
Big thank you to Enyamachaela and NK you have both been great!
Jonjo
I have tried to do a little digging regarding her taking my son on holiday and although it says she is required to get my permission first unless I go to the courts specifically then she would not be stopped at the airport. Seems a little silly really if a mother or father was planning on leaving the country for good it sounds like as long as they don't mention it to the other parent it would be no problem to take the children!
I have no intention of stopping my son going on holiday but it would of been at least nice for her to know she had to get my permission before leaving! Especially given I can't even take my kid to the beach for a night...
Ha! Well I am blowed, so what is the point in parents having to get a declaration too?!! 😆 The left hand doesn't know what the right is doing and child abduction continues! !
The Gingerbread fact sheet I gave you a link to just states that permission is required from the non resident parent who has PR before the resident parent can take a child abroad. So theoretically she does need your permission, just call her bluff anyway! 😉
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