[Solved] Main carer rights

Hi Mambo75 and welcome to Dad.info!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and it's something that clearly needs to be resolved. Unfortunately I'm not an expert on this subject, but some of the other Dad's have more experience in this area and I'm sure one of them will be around shortly to offer an opinion.

Do you have legal representation yourself? If not, perhaps you could contact our legal experts at the Coram Children's Legal Centre directly? There's a link to their website at the foot of this page.

FM '70

Thank you fm70 I will use the link. I have had a solicitor at the collaborative law session but my wifes lawyer was more domineering so it was I that had to back down and I felt I let my son down because he does not like doing breakfast club and he likes to know who is taking and collecting him from school. I felt the meeting was all about what was best for my wife and not my son and certainly not for me. When I fill my evaluation forms at the end I shall mention that I and my wife were represented but there was no representation for my son which I feel is wrong as I was trying to do what I believe is right for him. Thank you again for your reply m 75

I've not heard of this situation before and I'm assuming that the session you describe was more about your seperation and the property that you share? Are you based in England?

A family court would actually represent the interests of your child and only seek what's best for your son. Do you get any benefits for caring for your child? Child benefit? Carers allowance?

Should you speak with the CCLC, explain that whilst you had a solicitor representing you for the divorce you don't currently have representation regarding the isue of residency. The CCLC can only advise those who don't have a solicitor.

Sorry for all the questions! I'm trying to build a better understanding of your situation, so I can advise you more accurately 🙂

FM '70

Hi I am in England . My son gets disability living allowance and after my wife told me she wanted to separate. I claimed carers allowance and have just been accepted for this . The child benefit is in my name as my wife earns very good money. I gave up my career 3 years ago as my wife was on good wages and we were not sure about needs at the time for our son. It was suggested that we go to mediation but I was advised by my solicitor that as my wife was very confident and my confidence was at a very low that collaborative law route would be better. This is where My wife and I talk around a table with our solicitors present. The first session was to sort out child care arrangements. My wife who worked 7 til 7 most days suddenly was able to work 5 hour days for half the week so as to take and collect our son . This I don't believe could continue for long . It was also said that as i could not afford the mortgage on my own that i move out and rent and i have our son from sunday night til taking him to school wednesday morning and my wife has him wed afternoon tillfriday night and we alternate weekends. They are expecting me to move out but I have since found out that if I move out and the arrangement falters I would not be able to have my son full time as my wife would be considered to be in the family home. My wife is preoccupied with other things at the moment and is often getting stressed with our son shouting at him and telling him I'm on the phone. She also talks to friends and family painting a bad picture of me and being echenomical with the truth in front of him . I have tried so hard to protect our son from negative talk and try to be as friendly towards my wife as possible but with all the lying and manipulating that she is doing it's becoming very hard and I feel I need to do something about this. I could pull out of the colaborative process and go the court route but just want to know what my chances would be. I hear all sorts saying the mother allways comes out on top and that courts like it to be 50/50 care now but I feel i am in a better position to care for our son but my wife disagrees as she does not see that it's fair she has to pay child maintenance and spousal maintenance . I only found out about maintenance side of things after or first session where has her solicitor is not bothered about what might be best for our son he is paid to do what is best for her sorry to go on m75

Thanks Mambo!

I don't know too much about divorce law, so I won't be able to advise you too much on this issue. However I think you're being manouvered into a position that potentially puts you at a great disadvantage. And, yes, I think you're right; this seems to be about protecting your wife's financial interests and reducing her liabilities to both you and your son.

You need to take further legal advice on this. Why hasn't your solicitor argued that she move out and continue to pay towards keeping a roof over your son's head? I think you're in a much stronger position than you realise. I suspect that your ex knows this, hence the offer of a shared residency arrangement. At the moment you have parental responsibility for your son and you receive child benefit made out to your name. You are also recognised as being his full time carer and the fact that you receive state benefit is proof of that.

If she moves out you would become the resident parent and she will be liable for child maintanence. The spousal maintainence is a seperate issue and not one I know too much about, but as per current CSA guidelines she would be expected to pay 15% of her NET weekly earnings in child maintanence to you. This would be reduced by the number of nights your son stopped with her, so in the event that she had him three nights a week you would divide her weekly payment into seven and she would actually pay the equivalant of 4/7ths. The CSA may also change this calculation in the not-too-distant future and your ex may find herself being liable for maintainence payments based on 12% of her GROSS earnings, with the same division for the number of nights that she has him.

Hopefully some of the other Dads will have an opinion on this, but you're right in that your son needs to be the number one priority.

Hang in there!

FM '70

Thank you very much I know nothing is ever set in stone but my confidence is low and I feel I owe it to our son that I try to do what I feel is right for him and if it ends up still 50/50 then at least In the future I know that I tried to do the right thing. I don't want to stop my wife seeing him in fact I woul encourage it as I do believe she has a lot to offer him but just believe that I am able to put more quality time in with him and if my wife had her way she would have him at school plus school clubs from 8.00 till 5.00 which I think is too long for a 5 year old if there is a parent prepared to look after him full time thank you again for improving my confidence m75

Hi

As FM have said above, the CCLC can't give advice where you have a solicitor acting - can you clarify whether you currently have a solictor acting for you in any capacity, and if so, whether it relates to the residence/contact?

I don't believe Mambo has representation regarding contact/residence. Yet.

Hi actd As it stands at the moment I have signed into the colaborative process and do understand that I can't seek advice from another solicitor . I am thinking of pulling out of the collaborative process by informing my solicitor of my intentions and still won't be able to do anything for 21 days as this is a cooling off period where I'm sure all parties will be trying to get me back round the table. The problem I see is it is costing me at least £1000 per session which is money I have not got so see it as a waste if things keep going in my wifes favour just because she talks better and has the purse strings. I feel I should have gone the court route straight away but was talked into collaborative . The next collaborative meeting will discuss finances and what I am entitled too . I would be able to discuss how the child care arrangements have gone but my wife has already said she won't back down on what they are now so to me there is no point in going plus they will have expected me to move out by then. I have been told by a friend that if i move out I would lose any chance of getting my son full time and my wife would be able to do as she pleases regarding after school clubs etc m75

As I understand it at the moment my representation is for all things including divorce child care and residency finances and all things to do with the separation m75

Ah, I'm afraid the CCLC are not able to offer advice where you already have a solictor acting for you - this really is quite complex, so I would say that you need to have a half hour session with your solicitor to review the case and see where you go from here. The problem you have at this stage is that the child related matters are difficult to separate from the divorce matters, so representing yourself becomes more difficult. I agree that the mediation route may be a waste of time and money if your ex isn't prepared to compromise - that's what mediation is really about.

Yes I agree that there has to be willingness to compromise and I have over heard my wife saying things on the phone lately such as I have to keep him sweet or he could take me to court so I think her solicitor has told her to get me out and advised her on other things. It just seems my solicitor has not informed me of the whole picture in the first place. I think I will pull out of colaborative process asap to pursue other options as time may not be on my side m75