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Evening Chaps
I'm in a bit of a predicament at the moment. The easiest way to describe it to you is by copying in the letter I sent to my daughter's mother. It's a bit wordy but I'm afraid it's a long story. If you have the time, please have a read.
1st September 2013
Dear NAME REMOVED
Cessation of child maintenance payment to NAME REMOVED regarding NAME REMOVED
In early May 2012 our relationship terminated and I moved home to Plymouth. Having given up a job in the south west of England to move to the east of England, I returned unemployed. This meant that for some time I was unable to contribute any child maintenance payments.
During this period tensions began to rise and your father visited my mother and went about attempting to intimidate her in to contributing towards NAME REMOVED keep. He has since apologised but rest assured that any repeat performance shall not be looked on favourably. Shortly after that I received a telephone call from the Child Support Agency requesting a consultation which I willingly participated in. It was deemed that my case was given a zero assessment which meant I would not be made to pay any child maintenance.
This period was brought to an end when I was offered the opportunity of casual employment as a recruitment consultant earning £600 per month. When this began I made regular child maintenance payments of £82.50 which was 15% of my take home earnings. Along with this came a temporary visitation arrangement whereby I would be visiting NAME REMOVED fortnightly. I would leave on a Thursday evening and pick NAME REMOVED up on a Friday morning. I would then stay with her through to the Sunday when I would drop her back to her mothers house.
During this period I began to discuss the possibility of NAME REMOVED being allowed to visit her father in the south west of England. It was agreed that she would come down; accompanied by you and NAME REMOVED, in the weekend prior to Christmas 2012. You were going to stay with friends and NAME REMOVED would have stayed with me. In early December you called to say that you could not afford to make the trip. I made the offer of £5 travel for you and NAME REMOVED which I even offered to pay for but you rejected my offers and I was forced once again to travel to see my daughter.
In January of 2013 I gained employment with NAME OF FIRM REMOVED with an annual salary of £15,000. NAME REMOVED now receives £150 per month as is 15% of my take home pay. The temporary visitation agreement continued and some months later we began to discuss the logistics of NAME REMOVED coming to visit me at my home.
In May 2013 I put forward the suggestion that you could come down with your partner and stay in NAME REMOVED vacant property so that we could have all met and spent some time with NAME REMOVED together enabling us to get to know each others partners. I saw this as an ideal opportunity for NAME REMOVED to see that her parents are able to spend time together without animosity. I would collect you from London on the train and once again would offer the reduced rate of £5 travel from London to the south west. The idea was that NAME REMOVED could even stay with you and I would pick her up just to spend the day with her. Once again my offer was rebuffed.
Around about this point NAME REMOVED; NAME REMOVED father, fell terminally ill. It was a very difficult time for her and I asked permission to not see NAME REMOVED for a while until he had passed away because my support was needed at home. This request you kindly granted for which we are both grateful for your empathy.
Six weeks passed until I saw NAME REMOVED again and she was as happy as ever to see her Daddy. We had a great weekend together. During this weekend I discussed with my mother about having NAME REMOVED down in SOUTH WEST and she put forward that she could pick NAME REMOVED up on her way through and drop her off with me. I put this suggestion to you and you said you would give it some thought.
At no point up to now had I been intimidating or unreasonable in any approach made. I had taken your feelings as a Mother in to account at every step. I called you to see if we could have a chat about NAME REMOVED coming to South West England which you agreed to.
You visited my Mother's house in East England alone and we began to have a sensible dialogue on an adult level. It was then that you put forward the idea of changing NAME REMOVED name and; knowing that I wanted to have NAME REMOVED in South West England, this became your bargaining chip.
Your reasoning was that she would never have the same surname as you and it would be difficult for her later in life at school. My objection to this viewpoint is that some day you will meet and marry someone and perhaps take their surname. At this point; even with a name change now, NAMED REMOVED would go back to not having the same surname as you again. During this conversation an agreement was reached about NAME REMOVED coming to South West England with my Mother driving her down from East England.
Two weeks later I had begun planning what weekends I would be visiting East England and what weekends NAME REMOVED would be visiting South West England. I invited you over to finalise the dates. You arrived with your Mother as moral support. At this meeting; despite calmly agreeing to my request on the telephone, you categorically denied an agreement had been reached and; as tensions began to rise, it became evident that your Mother was not simply there to lend moral support, she was there to launch a scathing attack on my ability to be a Father. Despite the continuous barrage of sharp remarks, I remained calm and did not once lose my temper, I offered considered and contrite objections to the points being made.
Once again I found that a reasonable offer to take NAME REMOVED to South West England was being rebuffed and I began to consider what options were available to me. I could just walk away, pay no maintenance and become the Father you were making me out to be, but then that would give you the satisfaction of holding court with your friends over how my Fathering characteristics were inept. I could have gone to East England and taken NAME REMOVED to South West England without your consent, but then that would go against me because of the unique way the law operates in this country. I decided it would be best if I visited a solicitor to ascertain just exactly what I can and can't do.
I went to see a solicitor and we began to talk about what would happen with a potential case and what I would need to do to ensure NAME REMOVED comes to South West England once in a while. She mentioned if it were to go through court; with all the documentation I have of the reasonable offers of accommodation, then a court order would be passed that I would get to take NAME REMOVED wherever I wish during the time that I have with her. Although in order for it to go through court I would need to obtain an FM1 form which can be obtained through mediation.
Shortly after this I received an invitation to mediation which I accepted and went to the first meeting. During this meeting the mediator made clear to me that at no point does a mediator take sides or involve themselves in the conversation, they are simply there to take notes to be signed at the end and perhaps intervene should the need for social services be required. Since this visit to the mediator, I am yet to hear as to how we go forward from there or even anything at all.
Now I was beginning to think about what I could do on my own to obtain the right to see my own daughter in the home that I live in instead of the temporary accommodation in East England. I came to the conclusion that I would make one last offer for NAME REMOVED to come to South West England and if it was once again rebuffed I would withdraw payments to you for child maintenance regarding NAME REMOVED. Instead these payments will be made in to an account and the money held until a suitable agreement is reached.
I had been planning on saying this to you before but we were unable to arrange a meeting. I dropped NAME REMOVED off today and mentioned once again about being able to have NAME REMOVED stay with her Father at his house in South West England. Once again this was declined and so I declared that I would no longer pay child maintenance to you. You took the view that by me taking this action I do not actually care for my daughters welfare and I can tell you it is quite the opposite. I would love nothing more than to be able to spend every day with my daughter but instead I must settle for alternate weekends in temporary accommodation and that is why I have had to take this measure.
This conversation was brought to an abrupt end when you went inside and shut me outside leaving me with no other choice but to leave. Ten minutes in to my journey, you called me to tell me if I was not going to be paying maintenance I might as well not bother coming to see her. I asked you to clarify as to whether you were going to stop me seeing my daughter so that there were no misunderstandings and you confirmed that without a maintenance payment, you would not allow me to see my daughter.
This now leaves us in a tight predicament. I have just paid the maintenance for September 2013 so I shall once again make the trip to East England on Friday 13th September and I will expect to be seeing my daughter. After that my next visit is due on Friday 27th September when I shall also be expecting to see her. The following due visit gives us a natural pause to take time and reflect on what has happened because; as mentioned today on your doorstep, I will be on a course with work.
I would like to point out that there are many cases like this one in this country whereby a parent lives a long distance away and although the parents may not get on with each other, they do their best to accommodate their child's needs by meeting at a halfway point. A child needs to spend time with both parents and it is not sustainable for me to continue visiting East England on alternate weekends. I am in a long-term and stable relationship with NAME REMOVED and we would have a lot to offer NAME REMOVED in terms of development and enjoyment.
I hope that this will now help you see that what you are doing by withdrawing the right for me to have my own daughter in my own home is just as unreasonable as me withdrawing child maintenance payments. Should it not, then I would hope to be hearing from your solicitors and for them to advise me as to how exactly you wish to proceed.
Sincerely
The Chap that made this post
Gents if anyone out there can help me see my daughter in my own home it would be much appreciated. I just want to know where I go from here. Would it be classed as abduction if I took her without the mother's consent? Hats off to all you other separated dads, we get an unfair hammering in the press and fathers4justice is seen as a joke organisation. It's about time our voices were heard.
Thanks for reading.
This is dangerous for you, you really should edit this post, edit out all names, places and any other details that can link to you and your situation.
I will read through your letter, but I have a guest at the moment so will have a look a bit later..I Just felt I had to warn you asap.
Hi
I have edited it again as you left a name in. I would suggest that when you send the letter, you delete your post as a google search on any of the phrases has a good chance of bringing up your post if it is left there - for now it should be ok though.
However, to answer your questions, I would not attempt to take your daughter away - without any court order, in theory you have a right to do so, but she has been resident with your ex for 18 months, so if you tried it, the police would certainly become involved, and you are getting into a situation that you really wouldn't want to be facing in front of a judge, with the likelihood that you would only get supervised contact in a contact centre for a long time, if you were given even that.
The situation you are in of her withholding contact and you withholding maintenance is not a good one, and again, it's something you need to think very carefully about - the courts will not take kindly to either of your actions, but you also have the added problem of the CSA chasing you - they are pretty much a law unto themselves, and again, it's not a situation you want to find yourself in, though having the money put aside does mean, at least that you will be able to pay the arrears. However, contact and maintenance are separate issues, so you cannot withhold maintenance because she is stopping contact, and she cannot stop contact because you are withholding maintenance.
The problem of the long distance is a tricky one many dads face, and generally (though not always), the non-resident parent is the one expected to do the travelling - meeting halfway is less likely to be imposed by the court generally, though I'm not saying it will never happen - you can knock off the cost of travelling over £15 per week from your takehome and use the resulting figure to calculate the 15% to pay - the CSA calculator should show this.
Ultimately, your best chance is still to come to an agreement via mediation as I have doubts that you will get any better than you already had by going to court.
I agree with actd....,as mediation has been initiated it would be a good idea to try and reach agreement this way. It can often take 3,4 or more sessions before problems can get ironed out and agreement reached.
If mediation is unsuccessful then court would be your only option. Again the distance is your problem, you can ask for the mother to do her share of travelling to facilitate contact, whether your request is granted is another matter....I wouldn't expect too much leeway to be gained though....as actd points out the onus is more often on the non resident parent, usually the dad, to do the bulk of travelling.
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