[Solved] Making contact after 14 years

Hi basszebra, thanks for the reply.

I can't really regret giving up , of course I wish things were different then though. I wish I had a better support network and a better solicitor, I wish my ex hadn't lied through the courts and I wish it hadn't taken so long to go through the courts. I stopped seeing my daughter as attending the contact centre was awfull and my ex was making things too difficult. I found it emotionally traumatising and spent most of the visit in tears and I didn't want my daughter to have to go through it all either. I hope over the years her mother has matured and I hope my daughter has had a wonderful childhood. I just hope to be a part of her life going forward as she has so much ahead of her. I know it's going to be difficult , I can't even start the letter yet as I don't know what to say, I could be telling her that she's been lied to her whole life if she doesn't remember me.

I live in hope that she is aware if me and that she would like a relationship.

Hi there and welcome 🙂

I think you have to tread very carefully here...as I'm sure you appreciate, it needs to be handled with great sensitivity. There are a lot of unknowns involved...What your daughter has been told and how she feels about not having you in her life. As basszebra mentions she could be hurt and angry, she's still very young and turning up out of the blue will be a very big shock to her.

Do you have a contact address for her and her mother, or will you have to trace them?

I know that the Salvation Army help reunite families that have been seperated, often for many years. They are skilled and experienced in dealing with the delicate nature of reuniting people. It might be an idea to contact them for advice.

You could also ask an intermediary, perhaps a close relative to make initial contact and find out if an approach from you would be acceptable.

Good luck with everything 🙂

Thanks B. nice to have some support. It's strange as I've waited years to do this and now it's time I feel really stuck!
I never intend to bad mouth my ex, I'd rather say that our relationship just didn't work, we were both very young. I've had a whole life without my daughter so I don't intend on dwelling on the past no matter how much it still hurts. I just hope my ex has done the same. I want to be part of my daughters life not my ex's.

Hi Nannyjane.
Thanks for the reply.
I know where my daughter lives so that's not a problem, I shall definitely consider the Salvation Army as I think initial contact from someone else may be good. Just need to find out about any legal aspects first. I don't want my ex hounding me down from the start as my daughters only 16.

Hopefully it will all be ok.

Thanks again.

...If you need to find out about any legal aspects you could try the Citizens Advice Bureau, they have a legal department and their service is free and confidental 🙂

Hi im in the place you was 16 yrs ago right now i will never go through courts and contact centres and thats my right as it was yours you, if i dont get to see my son i will start contact when he is 12 as its a lot different now days and in this electronic age people can easily been found and with facebook etc its easy to make direct indirect contact at first. your child is 16 now so dont wait any longer, its time she heard your side of the story! good luck and i respect you for doing what i may have to do fact is you never really walked away did you!

Try Facebook twitter etc before writing or visiting address, important thing is stop thinking about it and do it!

Hi Jones75
I have been where your daughter is, but I was 10 when he gave up trying to see us (6 kids) I use to look out of the window praying he would come to see me, but I didnt know how hard my mother had made it for him to see us. We got on with our lifes. When I was 35 I went through the samaritans and traced him, I wrote him a letter asking if he would like to meet me, he did and when we met it was like we had never been apart, he was my Dad and we had 10 years together before he was taken from me with cancer, I regret the lost years but so happy I had the chance to get to know him. Now in your case she was 2 so at this very young age she proberbly wont remember you, Do you know if your ex got remarried, as she had a father figure in her life who she may think is her father. Like Nannyjane says tread very carefully as you dont know what she knows. As your daughter is 16 she is still under the legal care of her mother. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Thanks leelondon & ak57 thanks for your responses. Lee I'm sorry to hear yet another person is going through the same as I did. I'll never understand how a mother can do such a thing to a child and even worse have parents that go along with it . If this is a recent thing for you Lee I'd get to the solicitors straight away, don't wait for her to take charge you do it. Hopefully they won't take too long for you, it was because I had to wait so long for the courts that I ended up in visitation centres. I know what you mean about social networks, I've been checking for years but no joy so far although i did find some end of year school Merits that made me a proud dad. ak57 I'm sorry that you went all those years missing out on a life with your dad, it's so disappointing that one persons actions can dictate the lives of so many around them and not always done with the best interests of the children just selfishness. Thankfully you found the Salvation Army and got to spend some time continuing what sounds like a wonderful relationship with your dad. I was planning to go to the Salvation Army but can't unfortunately as they can't help on my particular circumstances! I'm still really unsure how to contact as its such a big thing to tell my daughter. I may have to go through a solicitor to inform her mum that I intend to contact to make sure that she tells her first, I'm really not sure. But I need to do it soon before its too late.

Thanks again for your replies guys and I wish you both all the best.

...What a pity the Salvation Army arn't able to help you. Have you got a family member that could make the approach on your behalf?

I shall have a look around and see if there are any other agencies out there that can act as a go between for you... 🙂

HI Jones75 please dont give up I wsh my Dad had tried harder, but I do know why he didnt . My mum is still alive and I know she loved him and him her they carried a torch till he died. When he died it was like a heavy weight had been lifted from her. He was no saint and was horrid to her, but he was never horrid to me but I was punished for his bad ways by both of them. I ended up needing /looking for love and ended up in two very abusive relationships so it does continue. I cant stand now any confrontation. So im now at battle for my sons daughter my beautiful grandaughter but im not sure im strong enough to go through the pain again x

I'm not sure whether it's their area strictly, but have you thought of speaking to Relate - if they can't help, they may know who can.